


The Plight of the Lycia Alliance Army

by MetaDash



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuuin no Tsurugi | Fire Emblem: Binding Blade
Genre: Gen, Roy/Harem, Too Many Characters to Tag, You've been warned lol, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 42,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7264024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaDash/pseuds/MetaDash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliwood had tasked his faithful servant Merlinus to guide and watch over his son and his army, but little did he know, he would end up being the only sane one there. A series of warnings and comments to each member of the group after every battle. FE6, spoilers for both Elibe games. Total crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dawn of Destiny

**Attention all – So begins the war against Bern! Best of luck to us all! You'll be able to swap out your equipment anytime if you find my cart on the battlefield.**

**Alan** – It is very impractical to target three brigands by yourself, weapon triangle or not. You are not a "super special badass".

 **Bors** – Just because you are a knight does not mean you can or should tank axes with your face.

 **Lance** – It is also very impractical to turtle along, and let Alan weaken brigands for you. He'll just try to kill them before you do.

 **Marcus** – Maybe we should let the younger generation fight first. It doesn't seem fair to gut every brigand and archer you see, then declare "you all fight the rest" when there's only one left!

 **Roy** – Master, please don't hide behind Marcus and expect him to do all of the work for you. Even if he offers. Even if you command him to.

 **Wolt** – Master Roy does not need _another_ knight willing to get themselves killed just to protect him. Marcus and Alan seem to fill the quota just fine, thank you.


	2. The Princess of Bern

**Attention all – now Princess Guinevere has joined up with her party for the time being. I expect all of us to behave properly, and that includes you four mercenaries.**

**Alan** – Yes you should bow when addressing royality, but please take the time to clean the blood from your hair first! Some of it splashed on the princess' dress!

**Bors** – Stop beginning sentences with "I do believe….". It stopped being cute the second we left Castle Pherae.

**Dieck** – Your swordplay is quite formidable, and you will be an excellent ally to the cause. Lord Eliwood was right to hire you. Does…..he know you don't mind walking around with a shirt?

**Elen** – We are in the middle of war. Asking us to pray to St. Elimine for a solid hour before combat is pushing it, don't you think?

**Lance** – Javelins are not a good way to remove gum from your shoe.

**Lot** – Stop trying to throw a hand axe at the fleeing brigands in the mountains. That makes them more determined to kill us. No I don't care if you're "quicker".

**Marcus** – I get it, Marcus, you are still skilled from our travels 20 years ago. Stop showing off and defeating brigands with the blunt side of your sword. You're making our knights self-conscious.

**Roy** – Marcus's horse isn't there to "give you pony rides". You're 15, milord.

**Shanna** – It only serves to make our enemies laugh at us if after making a big dramatic entrance and speech, you miss with your lance. Don't do that when an archer is involved.

**Ward** – Use your axe to fight, not your fists. What on earth do you think this is?

**Wolt** – No you may not be Master Roy's butler.


	3. Late Arrival

**Alan** – Letting those soldiers follow you just so you could fight them on your own was very irresponsible. Yes I know soldiers are "easy as pie to beat", but tell that to the big lance wounds in your torso.

 **Bors** – It is recommended you use the bathroom before the battle. Stopping to take off your armor and use the bush didn't make the enemy swarm us, but they did laugh at us.

 **Chad** – We routed Castle Araphen. Please put the various stuff you found in the castle back. The customs of war say we are only entitled to keep the things we find in chests, not loose lying around. The portrait of Marquess Araphen and his wife will not sell well.

 **Dieck** – Flipping for your attacks is starting to become a hindrance. You're not aware people in this army seem to be extremely impressionable and think they can be as "much of a badass as you". Alan keeps hitting his head and Lance is dizzy now.

 **Elen** – You are our only healer. Fainting when you see everybody soaked in blood isn't exactly ideal. It's not my fault half of the group eagerly lets themselves get into fights.

 **Lance** – It's nice that you have the polite attitude fitting for the knights of Pherae, but that doesn't mean you can or should let the enemy go first.

 **Lot** – No I don't know why hand axes can go through walls. Do I look like a wizard to you?

 **Lugh** – Lance is not your long lost older brother. I knew your mother, she would've had to have him when she was traveling with Lord Eliwood 20 years ago! ….that wasn't a "yes"!

 **Marcus** – I _get_ it, Marcus, you are still skilled from our travels 20 years ago. Stop showing off and defeating brigands with your bare fists. You're making our knights _very_ self-conscious.

 **Roy** – If you're supposed to be the strategist, than you need some lessons. Letting Alan, Lance, and Marcus rout everything just leaves everyone else out. Yes I'm aware our foes seem to be mostly hand-axe based, putting many at a disadvantage. And no, you do not throw your rapier like a javelin.

 **Shanna** – Your pegasus keeps eyeing me. Do you feed it often?

 **Ward** – Stop whispering to Lot that you wonder if Princess Guinevere's carpet "matches her drapes". We have children in this army now.

 **Wolt** – Congrats on that well-timed shot against that fighter. Not so congrats for screaming like a little girl when he chased you through the castle halls.


	4. Collapse of the Alliance

**A moment of silence for Lord Hector….**

**Alan** – See, cavaliers are not as brain dead as soldiers. They have strategy. And the fact that three boxed you in and stabbed you proves _you_ should stop charging first.

 **Bors** – Why does _everything_ double you?

 **Chad** – Hiding in the bushes to avoid the pirates was well done, but being cheeky and tripping them with your foot only made them angry. Angry enemies are the worst.

 **Clarine** – I understand your status, but I must protest at everyone bowing down whenever they see you and addressing you as "Supreme Lady Clarine, Princess of Reglay". Reglay is a noble house, not a country.

 **Dieck** – I am aware Lady Clarine is the daughter of Lady Louise. That doesn't mean you should start wondering if the latter looks "as banging as she did 20 years ago". Have some tact.

 **Elen** – You are right to be nervous around Clarine. She insists you "stole her thunder", and she's already forced Lance to be her servant.

 **Lance** – Take the collar off. You are not a slave! A servant is different.

 **Lot** – Axes do not beat swords, no matter how hard you wished they did.

 **Lugh** – Control your aim when it comes to your magic. You burned Dieck's pants, and it's frightening to know how much indecency does not faze him.

 **Marcus** – You are right in insisting the daughter of Lord Pent receives your best protection efforts. But that doesn't mean you should sweep her off her feet and put her on your horse! It will only inflate her ego!

 **Roy** – Maybe you shouldn't sit back and watch Chad trip the pirates, how matter how funny you think it is. Their hand axes almost took your head off.

 **Rutger** – Princess Guinevere is not our enemy. Please stop glaring at her and touching your sword whenever she walks by. She is starting to have panic attacks.

 **Ward** – You are to never challenge a cavalier with a sword ever again. Ever.

 **Wolt** – No I am not going to call you "Sharpshootin' Tex."


	5. Fire Emblem

**Alan** – You and Lance will stop referring yourself to each other as "bro" and high-fiving each other. You are testing my patience now.

**Bors** – It was smart to hold down those forts for defense, but not so smart to not flee when brigands came. You are aware their axes really mess up your armor?

**Chad** – Do not rob stores just to see if you can. We have plenty of gold. That shopkeeper wants her fire tome and scarf back.

**Clarine** – No, Marcus will _not_ carry you and your horse in his arms, even if he insists he can.

**Dieck** – Other mercenaries are not copying your stance and style. They all look the same.

**Elen** – Stop declaring Rutger is going to go to Hell for scaring Princess Guinevere. Do not forget you are from Bern as well. Do you want me to tell him?

**Lance** – Stop letting Alan corrupt you. Between him and Clarine, they are destroying every notion of sanity you have. I consider you to be the "normal" one from Pherae.

**Lot** – I thank you for worrying out loud so much, you made that brigand hesitate in destroying that village. Although it was horrifying to have him shrug and burn it down anyway.

**Lugh** – No Princess Guinevere and Elen are _not_ here to burn down more orphanages. Please stop cowering in the trees. They are nice people.

**Marcus** – Can you stop talking about the "good old days" already?

**Roy** – This is why you need to check for reinforcements milord. It took us five more hours just make it to the castle because you were paranoid.

**Rutger** – You are starting to make me uneasy, when you lick the blood from your sword while looking directly into the princess's eyes. Do you need some mental help?

**Shanna** – You are not allowed into anymore battles until you feed your poor mount. It tried to bite my head off! Yes I _know_ it's not a wyvern!

**Ward** – You are not allowed into anymore battles until you _stop_ missing with your hits.

**Wolt** – You didn't know the story of Miss Nino, so it was understandable when you didn't think before bragging about how great your mother is to Lugh. I still insist you apologize for making him cry.


	6. The Trap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also each chapter corresponds to a chapter in the game, so yes, we are going to do gaidens too, but the route split order will be Ilia chapters, then Sacae chapters, due to geography. Sacae is closer to Bern. Western Isles chapters will have Bartre AND Echidna too.

**Alan** – Banging on doors with your lance is not an alternative for picking the locks! I have door keys in my wagon!

 **Bors** – It's great that you're very cautious when fighting mages, but that doesn't mean you should tell them "Can you lower the temperature….I um…..have a baby in this armor." You underestimate the world of sociopaths we live in.

 **Chad** – No you don't get to keep everything you unlock in chests. What the hell would you do with a Silver Lance anyways?

 **Clarine** – Smacking that soldier with your staff for calling you "girlie" was amazing, but you're still a healer, and you need to stay behind the rest of us. Insulting his mother and spitting on him was pushing it, though.

 **Dorothy** – Please don't waste battle time by helping Elen make St. Elimine pamphlets.

 **Dieck** – The last thing Rutger needs is a rival. Do not tempt him.

 **Elen** – Stepping forward and launching into a long preach about the virtues of non-violence against our foes was profound, but it was undermined by the five people on our side not bothering to clean up the blood on their faces. Does _any_ healer not know to stay back in combat?

 **Lance** – Your politeness needs to stop. That thief girl robbed you blind!

 **Lot** – Cheer up. We could always use a fighter regardless.

 **Lugh** – Do not help Elen's presentation by singing "Kumbaya". At least you aren't fearing her anymore.

 **Marcus** – Hold back with the skill, please. Lot and Ward were crestfallen to see you take a hand axe and gut seven soldiers with ease. Yes I know soldiers are a joke.

 **Roy** – It was smart to insist we plow through the castle to stop Wagner quickly, but you do realize that girl, Cath, stole 5000 gold from under our noses right?

 **Rutger** – Do not attack anyone who says you are "the edgiest edgelord". Your blade is just proving their point.

 **Saul** – Please don't hit on Princess Guinevere, and do not think you can use "preaching" as an excuse.

 **Shanna** – No, you may not flash your opponent to knock them out. Your cup size is almost nonexistent. Alan, Lance, and Marcus thought you were a boy when you joined. ….no don't flash me to show you have breasts!

 **Sue** – Welcome to the team. You know, you don't have to sleep outside just because you're from Sacae.

 **Ward** – Cheer up. We could always use a…..a _bench_ could always use a fighter who never hits anything. You're still banned.

 **Wolt** – Don't wipe the blood from Master Roy's face by wetting your finger. That is extremely unsettling. You are not his mother or his caretaker. No I am not doing it Instead!


	7. The Rebellion of Ostia

**Attention all – We have made to Ostia, the capital region of Lycia. Let us free it from the rebels! Be on the lookout for the knights from Ilia.**

**Alan** – Do not spend battle time arguing with Lance over who gets to use the armorslayer to take down the knights. Dieck has called dibs on it.

 **Bors** – Watching you waddle around to strike that mercenary then missing _twice_ was embarrassing. Be glad he only laughed at you and didn't take advantage to kill you.

 **Chad** – The Lycian Alliance Army does not visit houses and demand they hand over their stuff as payment for defending them.

 **Clarine** – You will not make Dorothy a servant as well, no how matter how unattractive you think she is. What's _wrong_ with you?

 **Dorothy** – You do not have to listen to Lady Clarine's demands just because she is nobility. Stop letting people take advantage of you.

 **Dieck** – You and Rutger will not have a "who can kill more" competition, our healers are working hard enough as is.

 **Elen** – Clarine is not going to Hell with Rutger.

 **Lance** – Excellent idea to hide in that tree and throw your javelin at the enemies passing by. Although it backfired when the wyvern rider picked you out and throw you to the ground, allowing a bunch to swarm you.

 **Lot** – You will not challenge a mage anymore. This is not a suggestion.

 **Lugh** – I do not think we will be using your idea to make fire-covered arrows, no matter much our bow users are interested in the idea. I do not trust Wolt with fire, Dorothy keeps burning her fingers, and Sue's horse is very scared of them.

 **Marcus** – The "bench" is a metamorphical term, do not force Ward to sit on a wooden plank far away from the battle. That is adding insult to injury.

 **Noah** – Welcome to the army. No we do not comp your family if you get yourself killed, you are a mercenary. You chose this life.

 **Roy** – I understand you wanted to save Lady Lilina, but loudly declaring "prepare your destruction, scum rebel of Ostia" while standing on Marcus's mount only served to make everyone target us.

 **Rutger** – Oh gods, please don't behead people right in front of Elen. She now thinks you are the reincarnation of Satan himself.

 **Saul** – The next time you let a female archer charm you into telling where the rest of us are hiding, we will kick you out of this army.

 **Shanna** – Throwing the….waste of your Pegasus is not an efficient weapon, no matter how germaphobic our enemies are and how deranged _you_ seem to be.

 **Sue** – Excellent shot, killing that wyvern with your bow. However, the funeral service for the wyvern itself was not needed, even if it "is a creature of nature".

 **Treck** – Please don't take naps when we are briefing for attack planning.

 **Ward** – You can get off the plank, but promise me you will hit _something_ ….no, get away from that cavalier! He has a sword you dolt!

 **Wolt** – Screeching like a maniac to support Master Roy's loud declaration was not ideal. You are encouraging his behavior.

 **Zealot** – I understand he is your subordinate, but smacking Treck with the lance was a little cruel.


	8. The Reunion

**Alan** – You are not to lead the pack down the halls of Castle Ostia. You've never been here and you keep getting us lost.

**Astol** – I can't believe I have to say this to another thief, but you cannot keep the treasures you find for _yourself._ Even if we're in the castle where you are employed. Especially not then! This is a team effort!

**Barth** – We don't have time for you to scold every traitor that attacks us.

**Bors** – Don't worry, we promise we won't kill every enemy while waiting for you to catch up. We'll leave a couple, okay?

**Chad** – You are insane if you think you're going to ask Lady Lilina for money for freeing her. You didn't even unlock her cell door. No, not even if she offers….milady! Put your change purse away!

**Clarine** – I insist, Lady Lilina is not trying to copy you by "being royality and being cute". Please don't terrorize her now.

**Dieck** – Oujay will not be your protégé.

**Dorothy** – There is no need to apologize to soldiers you shoot. They attacked us first, and we need to seize the castle back.

**Elen** – Rutger is not the dark lord Satan and Clarine is not his unholy mistress. Please consider taking time to rest and relax your nerves. We need at least _one_ healer to be sane.

**Lance** – I don't think it's a good use of your time to trick enemies using riddles and tongue twisters. Sure they may be book dumb, but they certainly don't mind aiming for your throat.

**Lilina** – Milady, Marcus does not need _another_ lord asking him to kill everything for you. You need to exercise your magic skills yourself.

**Lot** – Stop with the excuses, the fact of the matter is, that thief managed to steal your vulnerary pouch. How he stole your _shoes_ too, I don't know.

**Lugh** – You and Lady Lilina may not switch hats.

**Marcus** – You know, your mount could've picked up some of the people who are forced to walk.

**Noah** – I would advise you stay far away from Lady Clarine. She does not need another doormat in her midst.

**Oujay** – Please, for all that is holy, do not start copying Dieck. We do not need another him in our ranks.

**Roy** – Where did you get that thunder tome you gave to Lady Lilina? ….Forget it, I'd rather not know.

**Rutger** – Debating whether or not you should kill the bleeding to death archer was cruel, especially when you changed your mind at the last second and stabbed him anyway.

**Saul** – Declaring Dorothy defend you out of the "whim of God" is abusing your rank, don't you think? Don't make me tell Bishop Yodel.

**Shanna** – Lady Lilina is not your rival just because she also has blue hair and fancies Master Roy as well. Put the lance down.

**Sue** – Using your arrow points to pick locks only breaks them.

**Treck** – I would advise you stay far away from Lady Clarine. She does not need another doormat in her midst.

**Ward** – No you shall not streak to blind our enemies and distract them. Some of us prefer using our eyeballs.

**Wendy** \- Your idea for a knight triangle attack seems to work well, the only problem is the enemies only found it cute _once_ and wasted no time attacking the three of you when you finished off that cavalier.

**Wolt** – Cease your singing this instant.

**Zealot** – I recommend you stay heavily involved in our battles, as you are one of the few people in this army that isn't arrogant, psychotic, idiotic, perverted, or a deviant. _Please._


	9. The Blazing Sword

**Alan** – I understand the cavern is very hot, but that does not mean you should use my sleeve as a cloth to wipe your face.

 **Astol** – No there's nothing to steal in this place, especially not the clothing of our enemies because you think it'd be funny.

 **Barth** – You the other knights shall stay out of this place. Bors keeps rolling around in circles and Wendy has passed out now. Armor gets hot because it is _metal._

 **Bors** – Try to calm down and drink some water before you leave this place.

 **Chad** – You and Lugh will not throw rocks in the lava pits. Watching the fire rise up in response is quite the sight, but some of us are not paying attention. Oujay has lost his eyebrows now.

 **Clarine** – Myself, Dorothy, and Lance are NOT in charge of fanning your face constantly and giving you mineral water.

 **Dieck** – I don't care if it will cool you down, you are not taking off your pants too.

 **Dorothy** – Put the palm leaf away.

 **Elen** – Okay, you need to rest to end your delusions. We have not all sinned and gone to Hell, this is just the place where the Durandal lies. No Lycia is not where the devil was born!

 **Lance** – No using my horse is not a better alternative to wiping the sweat away!

 **Lilina** – I'm glad you took my suggestion to be more proactive in battles, but declaring those fighters "get a load of Lord Hector's daughter" while shooting out rapid thunder spells was unbecoming of a lady. Still cool, though.

 **Lot** – Did you seriously use tree bark to replace your shoes? Are you daft?

 **Lugh** – I have a fear of heights, please stop saying the pits are very far down.

 **Marcus** – Are you sure this heat is nothing? Your horse keeps hitting walls in dizziness, and your hair is soaked with sweat.

 **Noah** – Where did you get that tropical drink? You are aware ten of us keep looking at you angrily. Saying "I found it" is a bad excuse and it's making people angrier.

 **Oujay** – Stop with the moaning. Your hair will grow back.

 **Roy** – Stop saying we have "double the Marcus now". Zealot is offended you think he's identical to your teacher. I am aware they fight similarly and both are the only sane ones left. ….actually, that is debatable for Marcus….

 **Rutger** – Creeping up on Elen and whispering "boo" is going to give her a heart attack. _Stop it._

 **Saul** – Stop being disappointed none of our female enemies have stripped due to the intense heat…and stop suggesting our female comrades do the same. Are you _sure_ you're a priest?

 **Shanna** – Smart idea to fly us over the pit, but the time it took for you to go back and forth made every enemy catch up to us anyway.

 **Sue** – It seems you can handle the heat, which is a good thing, but please note the sweat stains on your armpits…what? You say you know they're there and don't care?

 **Treck** – I have no idea how you managed to fall asleep on hard cobblestone and under intense heat. At least your mind is calm.

 **Ward** – _No_ you are _not_ streaking.

 **Wendy** \- …are you okay?

 **Wolt** – You will not replace me as this army's adviser just because you think I'm being too strict with my regulations. You can't even advise our lord correctly, and he's one person.

 **Zealot** – Master Roy didn't mean it like that.


	10. The Misty Isles

**Now begins our adventure on the Western Isles! Let's keep a look out for bandits, and everyone should be careful in the fog…no, stop, we're not rushing through like animals!**

**Alan** – The bridges do not fit multiple people at the same time, stop trying to push forward with Ward to see who can fight first. Neither of you should be leading, and if this continues, I am banning you from battles.

**Astol** – You can see further in the fog, so please tell us when enemies are coming.

**Barth** – I understand the three of you wish to protect Lady Lilina, but forming a three-sided barrier around her will prove a hindrance in tight spots for passage.

**Bors** – You and Ward, switch positions. You're better at tanking bridges.

**Chad** – You may not go for a swim because you're getting bored, this is still war. Pay attention and warn us about the fog!

**Clarine** – None of us have moisture or lotion for your skin in the island's humid air, so stop asking us. Especially not Marcus, you're going to inspire him to make his own product just to satisfy your whims.

**Dieck** – It was slightly funny to let that arrow hit your already scarred eye, scaring the archer. Not so funny when you threw it back into _his_ eye.

**Dorothy** – Now is not a good time to ask if your stew last night was good. …..fine, it was, stop moping about it.

**Elen** – You seem better. No I am not going to make Rutger and Clarine wear crosses "just in case"

**Fir** – Welcome to the army. Please don't blindly challenge people to try to be like the other half-Sacaean we have on our team. He scares nuns.

**Lance** – I don't want to how "someone stole my horse". You cannot be serious.

**Lilina** – Considering you screamed and starting crying when you got a _paper cut_ on your finger, I really don't advise you to be at the front of the pack.

**Lot** – Control your wild friend, please.

**Lugh** – Give back Lance's horse, I told you that you are not his brother, so stop trying to be a cavalier just like him.

**Marcus** – Do not make your own lotion.

**Noah** – When someone jokes that Fir is your girlfriend, we would expect you to get embarrassed, not whisper "you're damn right". That's creepy.

**Oujay** – Put your shirt back on. You are _not_ being like Dieck.

**Roy** – When General Cecilia left with the princess back to the mainland, the last thing you should've said, with an amazed face, was "senpai noticed me!". Of course she did, she was your teacher!

**Rutger** – Fir is not going to be your second rival. Please no.

**Saul** – General Cecilia is not a cougar. Yes I _know_ which definition you mean. She's in her 20s.

**Shanna** – If your Pegasus really is in its mating season, you'll need to do something about its behavior until we find another. No I am **not** suggesting what you think I am!

**Shin** – Please don't bow down to your knees in front of Sue. It makes her uncomfortable, and it makes Clarine jealous. You do not want the latter.

**Sue** – Have any tips for occupying the mind of a lustful Pegasus? No we are **not** doing _that!_ What is with you people and suggesting horrible things?

**Treck** – Fishing is not a good activity to do in the middle of a battle, even if you catch a bunch and offer to share.

**Ward** – Don't make me ask Marcus to get the bench for you again.

**Wendy** – Stop saying Oujay needs to "know the basics".

**Wolt** – Your aim needs some work. You launched five arrows, and how did all five miss the pirate? He was only 20 feet away!

**Zealot** – You keep some lotion in your pouch? Give some to Lady Clarine, hurry! ….what do you mean, you need it for your elbows? You're wearing armor! Who can even see them?


	11. Caught in the Resistance Forces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since Chapter 10-11 vary depending on the route, but both routes lead to the same chapter 12 ingame, picture 10A/10B and 11A/11B to be fused, in a sense. Both routes involve the army routing bandits to free the villages, so nothing is too different in that regard.

**Alan** – Ballista hurt. You cannot tank them with your body just to be cool.

**Astol** – Stop calling Wendy fat. It makes her angry enough to try to attack you, to which you easily dodge and make her fall to the ground, trying to get back up, and your laughing makes her angrier.

**Barth** – Stop with the wild conspiracy theories. Etruria has not allied with Bern.

**Bors** – You will put the kitten back where you found it. We are not keeping a pet for this army.

**Chad** – We are not going to counter the pirate attacks by building a warship with cannons. Do _you_ want to be stuck with half of these maniacs at sea?

**Clarine** – Glomping your brother and showering him with kisses was not becoming of a lady of Reglay. No I am not jealous of your "pure love"! It's anything but!

**Dieck** – No we are not eating that kitten.

**Dorothy** – I would recommend you stay far away from General Klein, if you think he's "kinda cute". Do you not see his obsessive sister?

**Elen** – Clarine is not going to Hell for incest. Please stop with this.

**Fir** – It was cruel to cut off the pirate's hand because you thought he was trying to grope you. You're not exactly well-endowed.

**Geese** – Stop getting mad every time someone asks you about your parrot or eyepatch. That's what you get when you say you were a pirate.

**Gonzales** – Just because I said we're not eating that kitten, that doesn't mean you can offer rocks instead.

**Klein** – Welcome to the army. Please keep up the good aiming, as Wolt is starting to become a hinderance.

**Lance** – We are not naming Alan "Sword" just so that you don't feel uncomfortable.

**Lilina** – Please teach Gonzales how to speak better and write. It will make things easier for us all.

**Lot** – Please get new shoes already. The smell is getting unbearable now.

**Lugh** – Hiding in the water was a clever way to avoid the ballista, but we had to spend another hour getting you back from those pirates.

**Marcus** – I do not think you should tell Lord Pent his daughter overly adores his son. He doesn't even know the two are involved in this.

**Noah** – You are a talented artist, but you will stop with the drawings of Fir.

**Oujay** – We are not replacing you with somebody else, so do not worry. You're one of the few competent people left.

**Roy** – Just because we enlisted the help of a pirate does not mean we should start dressing up like one. Release those parrots, milord.

**Rutger** \- …..are you seriously _jealous_ of Klein?

**Saul** – I understand you want to make Elen relax, but I do not think a date is appropriate. Yes I am aware she said yes, but she thinks it's a dinner discussing God and the virtues of prayer.

**Shanna** – If, in the future, we encounter any more ballista, hide instead of screaming loudly and flying around in circles in panic.

**Shin** – Your skill with a bow is truly remarkable. You, Sue, Klein…..even Dorothy…..okay, Wolt's benched.

**Sue** – You are not to keep those parrots.

**Tate** – Please tell me you are the sane sister.

**Treck** – It's impressive that you seem to have excellent writing skill, evidenced by your poems and short stories. …..so why have you decided to write erotic fanfiction about all of us? I don't care if you were bored, I am not going to "gently grasp the underside of-" I refuse to read this out loud!

**Ward** – Stop wondering if General Cecilia's carpet matches her drapes. I will kick you out of this army.

**Wendy** – Everyone is not out to steal Lady Lilina's virginity. Put the….where did you even _find_ a chainsaw?

**Wolt** – Hand over the bow and arrow, since you can't even hit enemy priests correctly. You can be Master Roy's butler instead.

**Zealot** – Yes I think I do need mental help. This army is utterly mad.


	12. The Hero Escaping to Freedom

**Alan** – Do not try to use yourself as bait for the bandits attacking the village. We've been down this route before.

**Astol** – Do you just enjoy pissing Wendy off? Standing next to Lady Lilina and winking at her is going to get you murdered with a chainsaw.

**Barth** – Stop saying there's "evil afoot". I know. We all do.

**Bartre** – My word, it's been 20 years! Welcome…and please don't hug Fir so tightly. You are breaking her bones now.

**Bors** – No, I do not think finding Wendy a man is the solution to making her less irritated. ….Oujay is a terrible solution, you have been warned.

**Chad** – Hiding in the houses will not get you free stuff this time, only angry mothers chasing you out with a frying pan.

**Clarine** – Throwing a temper tantrum when the bandits didn't know who you were was highly childish. And please stop holding Klein's hand.

**Dieck** – I would not recommend charming the new hero in our group, even if you think she's "smoking hot and a badass like me".

**Dorothy** – It was just an accident that you wet yourself seeing the bandits come out of the bushes, please stop crying and hiding from the action.

**Echidna** – I would say beware the craziness in our group, but you just ripped out a bandit's large intestine for his attack. ….oh dear.

**Elen** – Stay away from Saul. You're literally going to sin if he gets his hooks in you.

**Elphin** – You do not have to play a victory tune everytime we defeat a bandit. There's so many people in this army that should not start gloating.

**Fir** – Bartre is still your father, please don't attack him in embarrassment when he starts to tell stories of how you used to wet your bed.

**Geese** – Congrats on stopping those bandits with your own axe, but now everyone wants you to wear the eyepatch Master Roy made.

**Gonzales** – Please don't save houses on your own. That woman thought you looked like a bandit, and was in her right to attack you with a mace.

**Klein** – I would suggest you talk sense in your sister. She is not "just playing around". She keeps a shrine of you in her tent.

**Lalum** – No you may not marry Master Roy. Not even if you show me the pictures of your future children that you drew. I don't care that he's "super yummy".

**Lance** – I am not going to call you "George" now. Where is this name self-consciousness coming from?

**Lilina** – I am pleased to see Gonzales learning well, but please do not teach him tongue twisters. It literally pains him.

**Lot** – fine, take those bandit's shoes. I can't believe one actually had a pair.

**Lugh** – It is not recommended to take on a group of fighters by yourself, despite Marcus's intent to whip you into shape.

**Marcus** – Please do not use the children of our old allies to start your own badass army. Even if they don't mind calling you "senpai".

**Noah** – You….I have no words for how much I hate you now. When I said for you and Treck to adjust your talents, I did not mean the two of you work _together_ to make an erotic picture book with vivid descriptions and nearly everyone in this army (thankfully barring the younger ones) in sexually explicit positions. I will be telling General Zealot about this. No I don't care you only drew him having sex with his wife!

**Oujay** – Do not attempt to court Wendy just because Bors asked you to. For the record, she is allergic to roses.

**Roy** – You do not have four future wives now, please don't encourage-…Sue, too? Oh gods I thought she had some sanity.

**Rutge** r – Slashing up a tree carving that looked suspiciously like Klein is not subtle, you know.

**Saul** – If you try to ask Echidna out, chances are she will beat you up. With an axe. In your face. She's not scared of the clergy, you know.

**Shanna** – Your brother-in-law has a mount and so do you, please stop asking Zealot for piggyback rides.

**Shin** – Stop saying "this hurts me as much as it hurts you" then smirking when you kill people with your shots. I do not need another psychopath!

**Sue** – When I ask you, seriously, why you have a crush on Master Roy, I do not want to wear the phrase "majestic form" in your answer.

**Tate** – Clarine is not your love rival for Klein. Yes I know you have a crush on him, stop denying it.

**Treck** – I should bench _you_ for using the phrase "wiggling in ecstasy" too many times. And you are to stop writing, period.

**Ward** – No you may not trade shoes with Lot.

**Wendy** – Blushing bright red and smacking Oujay while answering "I d-don't like you, idiot" is textbook tsundere. You're giving Astol another reason to laugh at you.

**Wolt** – Where did you get that butler's outfit?!

**Zealot** – Stop giving your sister-in-law piggyback rides and then complaining about your back after. You can say no, you know.


	13. The True Enemy

**Alan** – Please do not attack enemies by having your horse charging them, shouting "Attack, my noble steed of justice!". You have no idea how many people this will corrupt.

**Astol** – Clever stealing Cath's lockpick to neutralize her and make it easier for her to join us, but I think you should pay attention to the nasty glares she keeps giving you. Something tells me she has anger problems.

**Barth** – Stay. Away. From. Shamans. You are the worst person in this army to fight a magic user, and that speaks volumes.

**Bartre** – I seriously cannot believe you actually picked up my horse and threw it over that wall, crushing those archers and shamans. Be glad no one else is physically strong enough to replicate that insanity.

**Bors** – Stop nudging Oujay and playfully asking him "when's the wedding" with a stupid grin plastered over your face.

**Cath** – We will not direct 80% of our gold to rebuilding your village. Yes I know Master Roy promised, but there's a reason why he doesn't get an allowance. We will put a small amount on the side for now.

**Chad** – Stop referring to you, Lugh, and Ray as the three ami-bros. You keep saying it, and it's not funny, how matter how tsundere Ray keeps getting about it.

**Clarine** – You may not marry Klein, even if you insist your children will be "golden gods of perfection".

**Dieck** – I would advise you continue being Rutger's rival, and not keep trying to ask Echidna out. We need him focused on other things. I don't care if she agreed to be friends with benefits.

**Dorothy** – I told you to stop letting people take advantage of you. Letting Cath steal your money was your own fault.

**Echidna** – Please stop saying "I love the smell of murder in the morning" whenever you gut a bandit. No you may not take a "fuckbreak" with Dieck during battle.

**Elen** – Chad, Lugh, and Ray will not sing hymens while you heal. I don't want more singing in this group.

**Elphin** – You shall be our new strategist. You seem calm, smart, rationale, and collected…..so please don't leave my sight. Stay away from everyone else.

**Fir** – No you don't want to be "edgy" like Rutger is. Wipe the blood and stoic look off your face. You have _Bartre_ as your father, edgy is literally the last thing you can be.

**Geese** – When you tell pirate stories, do not get all giggly whenever you say "poop deck". You're in your 30s, for crying out loud.

**Gonzales** – Put that poor horse down! It seems I was wrong.

**Klein** – Clarine marrying you is not a joke. She claims to have picked out the dress already.

**Lalum** – It is fine that you want Master Roy to yourself, but handcuffing yourself to him and swallowing the key was going too far. We will hold you down if we have to get it back.

**Lance** **–** Do not listen to Alan, must I repeat myself? Go find a healer to heal the nasty kick your horse gave you.

**Lilina** – The solution is not to handcuff yourself to Master Roy's _other_ hand.

**Lot** – No I don't know why arrows can go through walls! Didn't you ask me this already?

**Lugh** – Take off the choir boy outfit.

**Marcus** – Master Roy, Lady Lilina, Klein, Clarine, Lugh, Ray, Sue and Fir will _not_ wear the ridiculous T-shirts you made for them, even if they're your "Jeigan pupils".

**Noah** – General Zealot has punished you and Treck, and if I see you drawing again, we will confiscate your weaponry. I do not believe your claim that he secretly wanted you to draw a naked picture of his wife.

**Oujay** – Wendy is not out to kill you, she's just being difficult with her feelings. Don't worry, I had Marcus destroy the chain saw. …..what do you mean she found another?! _How?!_

**Ray** – You will cease your attempts to curse people. If you want to be in this army, behave.

**Roy** – I understand you still want to fight, but you have two girls handcuffed to your hands. Just let Lilina attack with her magic.

**Rutger** – If you wish to kill something out of anger, please do not make it a defenseless cat.

**Saul** – Do not ask Noah to draw you a nude sketch of somebody. I will send a letter to Yodel, I'm serious on this!

**Shanna** – Put away the handcuffs, you will not attach yourself to Master Roy's legs. I know you're jealous, but you don't see Sue attempting that.

**Shin** – Manaketes need more than a volley of arrows to go down, even if the one we faced did not move to attack us.

**Sue** – Stop aiming your bow at Lalum's face. She is not your target practice, and I promise we will remove her handcuffs.

**Tate** – There is no point in scolding your sister's stance or form. This is the same girl who drew pegasi feces as an attack.

**Treck** – No, you may not draw instead while Noah writes nstead. Your sketches are horrible.

**Ward** – Do you see how competent Echidna is with axes? That's how you hit things, not missing wildly. Although, perhaps it is a good thing you're not as nonchalant with gore as she is….

**Wendy** – Put away the chainsaw or I am benching you. _Now._

**Wolt** – Master Roy could and would try your tea if he didn't have handcuffs. No you may not pour the tea down his throat, even if you vow to do it gently.

**Zealot** – Stop telling Noah to draw things. Have _some_ dignity about these things.


	14. The Axe of Thunder

**Alan** – Yes I am equipping every cavalier with a torch to cover more ground in this cave. You are not to use it as a weapon.

**Astol** – I don't know _what thief_ would be stupid enough to lock a lockpick inside of a chest. Just keep hunting for treasure and guiding us.

**Barth** – Clean up all of the bat droppings from your armor. You really have awful luck, don't you?

**Bartre** – Do not say you'll take on this entire cave by yourself. We need the younger members to get some experience.

**Bors** – Stopping Lady Lilina's path just to keep moving pebbles out of her way was and still is a giant waste of time. You keep doing this.

**Cath** – Cackling insanely when you found that white gem makes me very very worried for your mental health. Especially when you held it like a baby and whispered "my precious….."

**Chad** – Throwing a sheet over your head and making spooky sounds was not amusing, and you deserved Lugh attacking you with fire because he thought you were a ghost.

**Clarine** – Stop with the romantic poetry. You are the last person that should be writing about "supple young bodies". This is still your _brother_ , you know!

**Dieck** – The next time you and Echidna rush to the battle after hastily redressing yourselves, armed with your weapons, maybe you should check if you put your pants back on.

**Dorothy** – Zombies are not going to rise up from the ground and attack us. Put the holy water away.

**Echidna** – I understand you wanted to help Lalum win Master Roy's heart, but shoving the two of them into a dark crevice so they could be alone within the cave was irresponsible. Find them now. And put your pants on!

**Elen** – Ghosts have not invaded! It was Chad being an idiot! Stop praying rapidly and begging to be raptured!

**Elphin** – Do not ask if anyone has any suggestions for your battle plans. Half of our army will ask if they can kill everything in sight.

**Fir** – See, you cannot be edgy. You kept whimpering and clinging to your father during this exploration. Edgy people are not scared of the dark, they embrace it.

**Geese** – I understand you dislike brigands, but imitating their dumb voices and mannerisms will only make them target you.

**Gonzales** – We are not playing hide and seek. Where did you go?

**Klein** – Your sister does not have "excellent writing ability", please stop encouraging her in this. Find her another man immediately.

**Lalum** – I will be telling your "love rivals" about the mark on Master Roy's neck. I know you did that. It took hours to find you two. You have no morals, don't you?

**Lance** – Finally someone using fire responsibly, but why is always _you_ that gets surrounded by multiple enemies?

**Lilina** – I understand you wish to be Wendy's female friend, but everytime someone brings up a man of her fancy, she keeps shouting and blushing like a fool. Talk about hair products instead.

**Lot** – A thief seriously stole your shirt. I…..what? _How?_ How in St. Elimine's name does that happen to you? Not so quick now, are you?

**Lugh** – Screaming very loudly when you found that skeleton only served to draw attention to us. You need a rest, I feel. Also, don't tell Elen.

**Marcus** – Cease your plans to write a war song. Do you honestly want this army to be singing en masse? They either can't carry a tune to save their lives or their voices become grating.

**Noah** – Stop casually saying one of us might get our skulls crushed by falling rocks. You are a menace to this army now.

**Oujay** \- …..do I have to ask who gave you all of those neck marks? Either Wendy is truly psychotic or she really does have a crush on you.

**Ray** – I have no idea how you animated that skeleton your brother found and made it dance to a song you called "Spooky Scary Skeletons", but I am about to tie your hands together and rip up your tomes.

**Roy** – Snap out of it, milord. A fanatic dancer gave you a hickey. Cover up your neck and stay far away from Lalum. …..what do you mean, she whispered that she wants you to "make her _super_ pregnant"?

**Rutger** – See you are the true edgelord, you blend into the shadows and rise up to kill our foes…..wait! Please! Stay back or drop the sword!

**Saul** – Don't let Clarine inspire you to make poetry of your own. You are thankfully more subtle, but not when you keep winking at Elen.

**Shanna** – You will not train your Pegasus to attack Lalum on sight. You underestimate her devilish nature.

**Shin** – You will not keep all of those bats just because they flocked to your shoulder.

**Sue** – You will not keep all of those rats just because they flocked to your horse.

**Tate** – I don't care how much of a perfectionist you are, do not waste your time on correcting Saul's poetry for spelling errors, you'll just make him flock to you instead. Good job on ripping up Clarine's poetry, though.

**Treck** – Noah is just being a bastard. Stop covering your head.

**Ward** – Good for giving Lot your own shirt, but we all do not wish to see your massive chest hair. Cover up or shave it.

**Wendy** – Just admit you like Oujay already.

**Wolt** – Lalum _is_ out to steal Master Roy's innocence. But I am not giving you your bow back to stop her. You'll just miss.

**Zealot** – I think we need to take away Noah's weapons now.


	15. The Rescue Mission

**Alan** – I don't care how amused our enemies were, we will cease this conga line you started on the bridge.

**Astol** – Do not make bets on who will "get fucked or get murdered" next.

**Barth** – It was admirable you offered to block the incoming cavaliers, but it became depressing when they kept knocking you down with a shove.

**Bartre** – Do not dive into the water to get to the castle faster. Put your shirt back on…..and tell all of those people that followed we're not here to swim around.

**Bors** – It was admirable that you wanted to assist Barth, but not when the paladin kept moving to block your path. People are laughing at us now.

**Cath** – You are banned from thievery until you stop hissing at everyone who gets near the gem you found, which is _gold for all of us,_ and stop treating it like you are its mother!

**Chad** – Do not use a slingshot to blind the horses of the attacking cavaliers, even if you seem to have better aim than Wolt and Dorothy combined. You'll just make them stagger around and hit us.

**Clarine** – Stop clinging to your brother's arm. He needs to aim at enemies. I don't care if you want to cheer him on and kiss him for every shot he makes. Also, you are disturbing.

**Dieck** – It was not funny to make that cavalier run around the same village for hours. You're not supposed to be wasting time like that, you actually know how to defeat people!

**Dorothy** – Congrats on seizing the ballista, but please don't point it at our allies just to get payback for their treatment towards you.

**Echidna** – It was amazing to see all of the cavaliers scream like little girls when you crushed one of their horses with the halberd. At least pleasure of the flesh makes you motivated.

**Elen** – Get out of the water, I don't care how badly you want to save the princess. Most nuns don't make rash decisions like that.

**Elphin** – We are not starting a gold star system for hard work.

**Fir** – Do not tempt paladins by holding up the heads of their comrades on your sword. Also _, PLEASE DO NOT be like Rutger!_

**Geese** – Get out of the water. I don't care that you want to prove your manliness.

**Gonzales** – Get out of the water. I don't care that you want to eat some fish.

**Klein** – Do not let your sister get handcuffs. This is an order.

**Lalum** – You may not give Master Roy a lap dance. It does not mean what you think it does. …..actually, knowing you and your behavior…..

**Lance** – Clever scaring off that wyvern by saying you had a Wyrmslayer, but they are swords, not lances.

**Lilina** – I admire you for coming to me personally to express your displeasure, but you are not going to get even at Lalum by marking up our lord's neck yourself…..get back here!

**Lot** – You and Ward are to give me your weapons until the two of you stop sharing your shirt and shoes. Both of you seem to sweat like pigs.

**Lugh** – Miledy's wyvern is not here to burn down orphanages. Wyverns don't even breathe fire! I thought you moved past this?

**Marcus** – Get out of the water, you are over 60 years old! We don't need you to race Bartre to prove who is the "greatest knight of Lycia"!

**Miledy** – Welcome to the army. You seem polite and hard-working, but considering that you dove into the water with Elen, despite the fact that _you have a flying creature_ -

**Noah** – We took away your weapons because you're a smart ass. Stop watching everyone and telling them when they miss. They have eyes.

**Oujay** – Heroes typically have shields and armor, and you need to be experienced to be one. Using a sheet of cardboard was not fooling anyone.

**Ray** – You may not use the corpses of our fallen enemies to make your own personal army. That is wrong on so many levels. Why can't you be like your brother?

**Roy** – You are to never be alone with Shanna, Lilina, Sue, or Lalum ever again.

**Rutger** – Put the hexagram away. I don't want to know.

**Saul** – We are not going to have a wet T-shirt contest just because there's water. I officially despise you now.

**Shanna** – You think I didn't notice you ripping your shirt to show your midriff and taking off your underwear? Why are teenage girls such deviants?

**Shin** – Do not encourage Sue by snatching Master Roy away from the front lines and using your horse to gallop over to her, holding him out as a trophy.

**Sue** – I thought you actually had modesty and integrity. That massage was not just "casual". I saw you smell Master Roy's hair! Put him down!

**Tate** – I have no idea how you managed to train a group of alligators in 15 minutes, nor do I not know _where you found them_. You will not use them to attack Clarine and Master Roy for "trying to seduce the ones I love".

**Treck** – Congrats on defeating that sniper with your sword, then cutting off his hand to ensure he couldn't fire at anything. It seems a nap gives you motivation.

**Ward** – Sit down on the plank and do not say another word.

**Wendy** – You may not run back to Pherae to tell Lord Eliwood his son is corrupting Lord Hector's daughter. You've got it backwards. And you are an armored knight. It would take you _ages_ to get from Etruria to Lycia on foot.

**Wolt** – It is a smart idea, but pretending you're gay and kissing Master Roy will not work; Lalum has already gotten her trance on him and three other girls are doing the same. …..no you can't kiss him anyway.

**Zealot** – Where did you get that sunhat?


	16. Arcadia

**Beware the spiraling sands of Nabata, everyone. Enemies wait in all corners of the desert, and there is a sandstorm around us. Be cautious! …..or just ignore me and walk off in different directions. We can do that too.**

**Alan** – Cavaliers are hindered in the desert. Trying to push your horse will not make it go faster, it'll only irritate it and try to kick you.

**Astol** – You are in charge of hunting for desert treasure, since Chad gets distracted easily and Cath is still hugging that gem. ….fine, you can keep ONE thing you find for yourself. Go.

**Barth** – Yes I know Etrurian advisors have overthrown the king and allied with Bern. Stop rubbing it in my face.

**Bartre** – You will not wrestle attacking wyverns, even if you cracked that one's neck. Stay away from Miledy's mount.

**Bors** – You are NOT in charge of making sure sand doesn't stick to Lady Lilina's clothing! Put the duster and apron away!

**Cath** – _Stop_ kissing the gem already. I am about to kick you out this army and keep your village fund.

**Cecilia** – Thank goodness you've joined the group. Please talk some sense into Master Roy…also, why did you bring a horse to a desert?

**Chad** – Do not start a stickball game with a bone and rock you found in the desert. Even if you promise to make me the ump.

**Clarine** – Good to see you realize your movement would be limited, but jumping on your brother's back was not a correct solution. Your poor horse is going to die out there!

**Dieck** – Do not have a kill competition with Echidna. Gore only makes her horny…actually, she is honestly the most competent fighter when she's had her fill. Good luck, and have fun.

**Dorothy** – You are not the Anti-Wyvern Goddess, the ballista glory has gone to your head. Trifinne is going to bite you, so wipe the wyvern blood off your face. Miledy keeps giving you dirty looks.

**Echidna** – Put the glove away. We don't have time for a stickball game. Just keep killing people.

**Elen** – You are in charge of the Torch staff. This does not mean you can use it for condemning unholy behavior and smiting our foes.

**Elphin** – When someone wonders out loud how many grains of sand exist in Nabata, that doesn't mean you should offer to count, no matter how helpful you wish to be.

**Fir** – You and Rutger are in charge of stopping the brigand packs that show up to attack us. Please do not _compete_ for kills, because the desert will be painted red and Elen will faint again.

**Geese** – Can't you hit wyverns correctly? You have a weapon triangle advantage!

**Gonzales** – It is remarkable to see that you do not need a weapon to attack, but a few people threw up when they saw you rip a wvyern's head off.

**Klein** – You truly are Lord Pent's son, being able to aim flawlessly with your sister on your back and hugging you. But I _insist_ you find her another man. Or find some way to make her lose interest.

**Lalum** – You will not go topless, no matter how many times you insist it's hot and "Nabata is an exotic place". Three girls see you as a rival and it is far too easy to seduce Master Roy.

**Lance** \- Cavaliers are hindered in the desert. Trying to push your horse will not make it go faster, it'll only irritate it and try to kick you. You're still missing a tooth from before.

**Lilina** – Lying and saying Lord Hector married you off to Master Roy at a young age will not be tolerated, no matter how easy it is to fool him.

**Lot** – If you want to fight again, get better clothes ASAP.

**Lugh** – Don't ask how many grains of sand exist, that is a ridiculous question.

**Marcus** – Yes I know Rose and Maggie look like Jasmine and Paul, the two bandits that were in our way during our last adventure. I don't think they're stupid because "they all hail from a bandit family that actively supports incest". Thank you for putting that horrible image in my head.

**Miledy** – Trifinne is a mighty wyvern, but it is confusing on how much she acts like a dog. She sniffs the ground, hisses at other animals, buries bones…..what do you mean you even have a whistle?

**Noah** – Cavaliers are hindered in the desert. This does not mean you pull up a chair, put on a pair of sunglasses, and watch the sand fly by. You really are a bastard, aren't you?

**Oujay** – Put on sunscreen. Your neck is starting to burn, and I think the soreness of your hickeys are just going to make it worse.

**Ray** – Please do not taunt the brigands attacking by actively insulting their intelligence. We get it, they don't know what 2 + 2 is.

**Roy** – At first I was worried for your safety, but it seems with Sue and Lilina around, wvyerns don't stand a chance of touching you. Also don't let Shanna hold your hand. She has no morals, just like Lalum.

**Rutger** \- …so you wish to woo Clarine away from Klein? Please do. I don't care if you have to threaten her to do it, I cannot keep watching blatant incest unfold before my eyes.

**Saul –** When someone says how hot it is, please do not respond with "how hot _is_ it?" That joke is stupid.

**Shanna** – When I ask you what you plan with do with Master Roy, answering with "making him into a man" is _not_ an acceptable answer. Don't make me tell your sister. She has alligators. Actually, I'll tell Lalum. She carries a _knife_ in her pants. The stabby kind.

**Shin** – Yes, I don't mind calling _you_ "Sharpshootin' Tex". _You_ clearly are the most skilled with a bow in this army. Keep it up.

**Sophia** – Welcome to the army. Your dark powers will come in handy, but I must ask….you say you healed General Cecilia in the castle? But you are a shaman. They do not heal. …..you used natural herbs and bandages? Is that why blood has leaked through her clothing and she keeps getting dizzy? Just let Elen do the healing from now on.

**Sue** – You will not give Master Roy a lock of your own hair as a gift. That is insane. Especially if it's from your pelvic region! I don't care that it's "all natural"!

**Tate** – So alligators can eat wyverns whole, I had no idea. Congrats for making those riders flee in terror, but Miledy has threatened to desert this army if you don't get rid of them.

**Treck** – Cavaliers are hindered in desert. So you may not use the time to take another nap, you realize brigands and Bern's army surrounds us?

**Ward** – I _told_ you to not say anything. Saying it's so hot is too general of a comment.

**Wendy** – When you said your skin burns easily, you weren't kidding. You look like a tomato with a pink stem now. Go find Elen and ask Zealot for his sunhat.

**Wolt** – It is amazing you aren't fazed by the heat even in your butler's outfit, but none of us want to try your cookies at a time like this.

**Zealot** – Spit out the cookie and focus on battle, please.


	17. The Infernal Element

**Alan** – You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff.

**Astol** – I see you chose to keep the Silence staff as your own prize. It is meant for magic users, not to smack people when they're talking. The "silence" is to nullify magic!

**Barth** – You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. Your luck is also abysmal.

**Bartre** – Stop with the swimming craze. It circumvents the tiles moving up and down, but it allows wyverns to attack you, and you DO know Bolting conducts with water right?

**Bors** – You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. Just iron Lady Lilina's spare robes until then.

**Cath** – Good to see you've jumped out of your stupor. I understand you wish to distract the boss for us to close in, but waving your hands and shouting "nanananana, you can't hit me, you old coot!" is and was a very stupid move. If you get electrocuted to death, it is your own fault.

**Cecilia** – You are in charge of the Barrier Staff. How did your talk with Master Roy go? ….."boys will be boys?" No! That is not a valid solution! …wait, why do you keep staring at his behind when he walks past?

**Chad** – Finally you and Cath are combining your efforts, but pointing at her when she shouts at the boss is NOT teamwork.

**Clarine** – We have limited pure water. Stop allowing your brother to get it all first, when he is used to magical spells!

**Dieck** – I thank you for stopping this Clarine/Klein nonsense, but I have no idea why you bent _both_ of them over and kissed them for a solid minute each. You've made them frazzled now, and Echidna looks a little jealous. …..please don't say it was because "they're both hot like Lady Louise".

**Dorothy** – Bolting spells are not God's wrath. It is recommended you dodge them anyway, but not when you keep waving a cross around.

**Echidna** – Kissing Lot and Ward is not going to make Dieck jealous. Now those two will be more unfocused than usual.

**Elen** – You and Miledy are to not write personal letters to Princess Guinevere in the middle of combat.

**Elphin** – It is evident that you are not to be scared or bullied in anyway. Stabbing that berserker with the bent string of your harp was extremely badass. But you should run now, they get murder-y.

**Fir** – Even if the Eclipse spell is a joke, you shouldn't laugh extremely loudly and clap sarcastically, no matter how many times that druid got flustered and kept trying. This army needs to learn the element of _surprise,_ for crying out loud!

**Geese** – If you miss _again_ , Gonzales is getting your axe….to clean his toe gunk out.

**Gonzales** – Who needs a weapon with you? Just keep punching people to death. You deserve a gold star.

**Klein** – Clarine is to not be with Dieck just because he kissed her. Go find Rutger and say she's available now. And no, you are not "apparently homosexual now" just because you enjoyed _your_ kiss!

**Lalum** – I know you're planning something devious, because you and the other objects of Master Roy's "affection" keep looking at him and running when you see me. I WILL find out.

**Lance** – I will push you into the water the next time you calmly tell the enemy they missed you when firing Bolting.

**Lilina** – When I ask you what you and your "cohorts" are up to, answering with "securing the future of Pherae" will only make me suspicious.

**Lot** – Just sit over there, in that corner. Your resistance sucks anyway, and you're too distracted by the taste of Echidna's tongue to be useful.

**Lugh** – When the enemy misses with Bolting, please do not encourage them to try again, even if you're just being polite. Good god you're worse than Lance.

**Marcus** – Do not rip off your shirt, point to your bare chest, and shout "go ahead and try, you knaves!".

**Miledy** – Using an enemy's ripped off arm as a toy to play fetch with your wyvern did succeed in scaring the enemy, but not when you started cooing and rubbing Trifinne's belly.

**Noah** \- You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. Looking at Fir and smiling like an idiot is unnerving, please stop that.

**Oujay** \- You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. Just go treat your neck burns.

**Ray** – Good job on stealing the Eclipse tome, but you're aware it's an awful spell, right? …..oh, you want to use it as a blunt weapon, carry on.

**Roy** – I will send Marcus to watch over you. Your love interests keep giggling and looking at you. This cannot end well.

**Rutger** – Dieck is not your enemy now just because he kissed Clarine. Either tongue her yourself or focus on battling.

**Saul** – Why do you keep mentioning you're a certified member of the clergy? I know that! ….what the hell are you planning?

**Shanna** – Tattoos are allowed, but not when you mark up your poor mount as well. Yes I _know_ the Roy tattoos match on both of you.

**Shin** – It is clear you strike fear in the hearts of wvyerns and riders alike. So there is no need to train your horse to "show which animal is superior". I really, _really_ do not want to know what that means.

**Sophia** – Why do you keep talking to Lalum and Sue? Why do you look so fondly at Master Roy? Oh no. Nonononono.

**Sue** – You and Master Roy will not switch clothing. I don't care that you wish to "feel his essence around my presence".

**Tate** – Launching into a 32-part song just to say goodbye to your alligators was really not needed. I can't believe you trained them all to bow their heads and that you named every single one. "Muffin" looks a lot like "Crackers".

**Treck** \- You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. Don't hold out pieces of raw meat and shout for the Bolting users to fry it for you.

**Ward** \- Just sit over there, in that corner. Your resistance sucks anyway, and you're too distracted by the taste of Echidna's tongue to be useful.

**Wendy** – You are one of the select few chosen to NOT move until we best the boss of this chamber. Your resistance is garbage even with the Barrier Staff. No you may not be Lady Lilina's shield anyway, Bolting electrocutes metal armor, you fool!

**Wolt** – The funniest number is not "69". You are climbing up my hate list fast.

**Zealot** – Clearly you've still got it. Throwing that hand axe in such a way that it smacked into five different pirates, boomeranged around and returned to your hand was inspirational. Not when you told Treck and Noah to do the same, because do you really trust _them_ with ranged weapons?


	18. Dragon Girl

**Alan** – I told you your resistance was garbage! Get away from that valkyrie! She has Aircalibur for crying out loud!

**Astol** – You insist you have no memory of your past, so why do you keep staring at Igrene? Is there something I should know?

**Barth** – Wow. Just wow. Only _you_ would miss against three different opponents, all of which you had a weapon triangle advantage against, and get doubled each time. I should bench you!

**Bartre** – Stop saying you're "Team Sophia" simply because you want Lord Eliwood's son to marry a half-dragon like he did! Take off that t-shirt!

**Bors** – That's it, you're more skilled at housekeeping and maintenance than actually hitting things. You shall be the army's nanny now. Make us sweaters.

**Cath** – Give back Chad's money. He's not one to be easily tricked like Dorothy, Wolt, Master Roy…..like the other 70% of this army.

**Cecilia** – When I ask you what are your intentions are with Master Roy, I do not want you to blush and stammer like an idiotic schoolgirl.

**Chad** – Stealing Cath's shoes as payback for stealing your money pouch was not funny, even if she kept slipping in mud and falling. She has declared a vendetta on you now.

**Clarine** – No you may not set up your brother and General Percival. They're not gay. …..no I am not homophobic! I don't want to see the sexual drawings you made of them! And besides, Percival would top anyway, have you seen him?

**Dieck** – I get you wanted your friends to be useful, but shouting "Lot! Ward! I choose you!" and having them wrestle those swordsmen to the ground while they shouted their own names was utterly ridiculous.

**Dorothy** – Stop helping Clarine with the gay porn. Are you aware the St. Elimine church disallows pornography, even if you insist "but it's really hot".

**Echidna** – Geese, Lot, Ward aren't your "fuckbois" to do whatever you say. I get you are more accurate and skilled with the axe, but have some integrity. ….you've already forced them to help with that village, huh?

**Elen** – You aren't fooling anyone. Telling Clarine to draw a picture of you and Princess Guinvere has only made Miledy jealous and ask for the same thing. At least the church doesn't disallow homosexuality…

**Elphin** – What do you mean, General Percival is _yours?_

**Fir** – Stop using handicapping yourself just to get a fair fight out of other swordsman, even if you're not impressed by their skill. They still have silver equipment, which hurts.

**Garrett** – Be glad we're allowing you in this army. Destroying that village beforehand and killing one of General Percival's squadron out of boredom was not appreciated. Lady Lilina is charge of watching you now.

**Geese** – Hit the bench, I've seen enough. Go sing us sea songs now. I recommend "A Pirate's Life For Me".

**Gonzales** – Garrett is not your teacher.

**Igrene** – Welcome to the army. You're very skilled with a bow….and considering you killed that cavalier with an arrow that pierced him and his horse…..that's it, Dorothy or Sue is going to be benched now.

**Klein** – When you wanted to help Rutger, you shouldn't have launched into an entire dialog about Etrurian culture and what it means to be a lady from that country. He's fallen asleep now.

**Lalum** – Do not give everyone in this army a wedding invitation in the middle of battle. You are not marrying Master Roy. …..not even when some of the enemy cavaliers wanted to come.

**Lance** – It was utterly brilliant to light your javelin on fire and use it to scare off the valkyrie's mount, but please put it out already. We have to pay for the village that was torched.

**Lilina** – Here you go, go watch over _another_ brigand attacking villages. You certainly pick the roughest-looking people to recruit. Also why do you have a ring around your finger?

**Lot** – Your special attack is not "Tackle".

**Lugh** – I understand you love your brother, but handcuffing your hand to his to make sure he doesn't do anything reckless has only irritated him. Especially when you stopped to hug him.

**Marcus** – Yes I wish Geese was half as skilled as his brother too. Sadly not every relative of our comrades can be a badass.

**Miledy** – Trifinne does not "eat cavaliers for breakfast". Shin kills more wyverns per day than you do to horses.

**Noah** – As much as it made our comrades laugh, Geese is not a "butt" pirate. You will be explaining to the younger members of our army what that is.

**Percival** – Welcome to the army. You are by far the most talented and skilled of this group, so please….just kill every enemy in our path. But _please_ put your shirt back on. I don't care if the prince told you, most of the girls are starting to drool now.

**Oujay** – You do not have to be Lalum's slave just because she threatened you after you saw her practicing a special dance in the bushes. Take the….. _gag_ out of your mouth already.

**Ray** – It's not my fault the Eclipse tome is so bad, you can't even kill people with it. Just throw it at our enemies' netheregions.

**Roy** – When Sophia offers to help you learn more about your dragon heritage, get far away. I don't care if she sounded innocent, she's been with Lalum and Shanna far enough for me to think that's a euphemism. …. _Euphemism._ It means an expression. …..you didn't pay enough attention in your lessons, did you?

**Rutger** – Well, it seems not even sleep can stop you from easily killing our foes. Good job.

**Saul** – I _know_ you did something. And get Dorothy away from Clarine, or I will tell every church official when we get to the capital about your behavior.

**Shanna** – Do not equip a javelin against bow users, that is Pegasus 101.

**Shin** – Well it seems Sacaeans are truly scary warriors. I have no idea how you managed to get all of those woodland creatures to attack the cavalier reinforcements, but it really worked. ….and apparently rabbits can be carnivorous. Who knew?

**Sophia** – Stop predicting doom for everyone. I _know_ this army is going to Hell, so stop rubbing it in. ….also why do you have that necklace?

**Sue** – Either you focus more on enemies, or you're hitting the bench. It's either you or Dorothy, so choose wisely.

**Tate** – When your sister makes a mistake in battle, the solution is not to shout, call _every_ one of our enemies over and all of us, use her as an example for poor weapon choices, and make everyone recite the words "I will follow the weapon triangle and effective might" over and over.

**Treck** – When you saw General Zealot nodding off, the answer wasn't to smack _him_ with a lance as revenge. He only fell asleep because Tate is a boring teacher.

**Ward** – Your special attack isn't "Mega Punch".

**Wendy** – I will investigate Lady Lilina's ring. So please don't grab every male in the army and accuse them of violating her. Put the nunchuks away.

**Wolt** – Have a maid costume for Dorothy or Sue?

**Zealot** – You were in your right to punish Treck for making him do 10000 sit ups, but come on, it's getting late now. We really need to get to the capital to free Etruria.


	19. Retaking the Capital

**We have reached the capital of Etruria, otherwise known as Aquelia. We must make haste to free the king from the enemy!**

**Alan** – I understand you wish to be like General Percival, but I don't think dying your hair blonde is a very good start. I think you've developed an allergic reaction to it, judging by your hives.

**Astol** – Igrene was well in her right to slap you after you grabbed her behind. She claims you are lying about your identity, and while I understand it is probably for safety concerns…get back here! You are _not_ going to seduce her!

**Barth** – You should've tried to dodge that Bolting shot better. You will stay like that until we have the time to heal your wounds. Oh, and give me your weapons. You're benched.

**Bartre** – You are not to make holes in walls with your fists, stick your head in, and shout "Heeeeere's Bartre!" in a menacing voice. It has only scared half of the enemy, not all of them.

**Bors** – This sweater is very itchy. What material did you use?

**Cath** – You are supposed to be hunting for treasure. Tying up a sleeping Chad before the battle, shouting "eat this, you little brat!" out loud, and throwing him into that bishop was extremely irresponsible. Now we have to get him back.

**Cecilia** – Go talk to General Douglas and tell him to stop swinging his axe at us. …Yes I _know_ he's an armored general, they're still really tanky.

**Chad** – It was a smart idea to quickly get up and start running, but your cursing Cath's name just keeps making the enemy hear you and hunt you down. I'll send someone to save you.

**Clarine** – Well done. When Narshen tried attacking us, he immediately directed his attention to you…..where upon remembering how he treated you in Laus, you tackled him to the ground and started strangling him. _And his wyvern._ I've never seen two creatures look so afraid.

**Dieck** – No Shanna will not do the same thing you made Lot and Ward do. She _bites_ people.

**Dorothy** – You will be our new maid because your missing is starting to become dreadful. …why not Sue, you ask? As much as she drools over Master Roy, she can aim better and has a horse. Sorry. You're still useful, just not in combat.

**Echidna** – Quit telling Master Roy "stop being a pansy and have sex with Lalum already", because I know she's done something evil. My lord is not pure anymore.

**Elen** – Those manaketes are not going to move. Dropping to your knees and begging for God to save you just made you look an idiot.

**Elphin** – You, Klein, and Percival are not the "Blond Boys of Righteousness". Klein is too nice to refuse and Percival is too loyal to refuse. Make them take off the t-shirts already…. _Prince Mildain._

**Fa** – Welcome to the army, little one. I understand you like to have fun, but asking people for piggyback rides only takes up their time. ….actually, just ask Marcus, he's dutiful like that.

**Fir** – It seems no one taught you about reaver weapons. That fighter certainly wounded you. Go find a healer….no do not ask for "best 2 out 3"!

**Geese** – If you're trying to annoy me enough to give your weapon back, it's not going to work. Having you end every sentence with "arrrrr" is worth not having you miss everything in sight.

**Gonzales** – I have no idea how you made that hammer out of stone, but when it completely crushed that fighter's head, I am certain 10 people dropped their weapons and pissed themselves.

**Hugh** – No we are not paying you 10000 gold for your service, you're lucky you're getting _anything_. Lilina is extremely powerful and Lugh is much faster than you. Just give me your member card and start fighting.

**Igrene** – If you say Astol is your husband, you may have to jog his memory. No I didn't mean for you to flash your breasts at him! That'll only encourage him!

**Klein** – Yes your sister "may have an anger problem". That is the understatement of the century. But anything's better than having her drool over you.

**Lalum** – Spill it. What have you done? Do not think you can distracting me by flashing _your_ breasts. Your father is around these halls.

**Lance** – I understand you wish to be like General Percival, but trying to talk all calm and to quote you directly, "seductive like him", has only made some of our female members pepper spray you.

**Lilina** – Because our thieves have the attention span of a small child on a sugar rush, you are in charge of using chest keys for our treasure. You are responsible….now stop squeezing "good luck kisses" from Master Roy and do it already!

**Lot** – No, I am not giving you your weapon back. Either do what Dieck says or what Echidna says. It's your call.

**Lugh** – When a fighter grabs you, the answer is NOT to scream loudly that you "need an adult".

**Marcus** – It is good that putting a manakete child on your back does not hinder you, but that doesn't mean you should put more people on your back to prove your mettle. You can only take so much.

**Miledy** – It is good you managed to make your brother join the cause, but when he made an offhand comment about Princess Guinevere before he knew the story, he didn't deserve to be _spanked_ in front of our comrades. That was emasculation of the highest order, even if you are his older sister.

**Noah** – When Fir asked you to help her get to a healer, she did not mean to carry her bridal style. Now she keeps blushing and babbling like an idiot. _Thanks._ …..no you are not welcome, you bastard! I was being sarcastic!

**Oujay** – Help Lady Lilina with the treasure. You're not the best fighter, but you can at least follow orders correctly.

**Percival** – Just keep killing things, ignore everyone's stupid comments and requests. And if you have time, try to stall Douglas from attacking us.

**Ray** – No we are not selling Fa for money, she is a Divine Dragon. I don't care that you think "lots of people will pay to satisfy their Lolita fetish", she is a _child._

**Roy** \- …..where did you go?!

**Rutger** – You are not a magic user. Stop trying to curse people, even if they're scared by your scowl and the massive amount of blood you never clean from your person when you kill things. And stop speaking in tongues, that's f**king _creepy!_

**Saul** – Dorothy will not wear the sexy maid costume you made.

**Shanna** – Don't throw your Pegasus….. _waste_ at Tate just to get back at her for embarrassing you. Even if you offer some for me to throw. The list of people _I_ want to throw feces at is alarmingly long.

**Shin** – Well done killing Narshen's wyvern, but for all that is holy, _make your horse stop humping it!_ Are you insane?!

**Sophia** – Get off Marcus's back. I know Fa wanted you to join her there, but you should be fighting properly.

**Sue** – Don't make your horse join Shin's. I know Sacaeans still have a grudge on Bern, but this is madness.

**Tate** – Clean up the poop from your hair, the smell is unbearable. No you may not murder your sister now. _I'll_ do it.

**Treck** – I get you want a girlfriend as well, but asking Noah "can I share?" was idiotic.

**Ward** – You may not use rocks as a weapon. Sit down, fuckboi.

**Wendy** – You can't be jealous of Lady Lilina for being with Oujay _and_ be hostile at Oujay for being with your lady. Pick one, you insane girl.

**Wolt** – The maid costume was fine, adding the eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick was not. Dorothy looks frightening now, help her wash it off.

**Zealot** – It's about noon now.

**Zeiss** – Have _some_ backbone. Miledy shouldn't have spanked you, but running away screaming "I'm so telling Mom!" was childish. Just go buy stuff for us at the Secret Shop.


	20. The Pinnacle of Light

**Alan** – Stop with the constant knock knock jokes. They're not funny, and you have poor comedic timing. It seems the blonde dye is starting to seep into your brain.

**Astol** – Your charade is starting get undermined by the fact that you and Igrene keep having constant and passionate "hate-sex" in the middle of the battlefield. Just reveal your true identity already so we can move forward.

**Barth** – What should you do now, you ask? …..You can hold everyone's cloaks and coats.

**Bartre** – Well, it seems the years have only made you smarter…and more dangerous. The Tower of the Holy Saint is a sacred place for those in the St. Elimine church, so when you managed to make members of our army dress in red and black, with demonic face paint and hexagrams, making some female members strip to their undergarments, dressing _yourself_ to look like the devil, it _terrified_ the living daylights out of those attacking us over the Aureola tome. Although, I regret to inform you you've been banned from every church in Elibe.

**Bors** – Polyester? I wanted silk!

**Cath** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should go off and bite people.

**Cecilia** – Congrats….. _Duchess of Pherae._

**Chad** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should start urinating on everything you see.

**Clarine** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should chain yourself to Rutger and smack people with your staff, declaring yourself "O Unholy Lady Clarine, Judger of the Damned". He'll appreciate the tongue kisses, though.

**Dieck** – Just because you look like a demon, doesn't mean you should cut someone's head off and use it for ventriloquism acts.

**Dorothy** – Calm down, this is just another stupid (if not successful) plan our army has come up with. Ignore the chaos and brew us some tea. We're gonna need it.

**Douglas** – Um…welcome to the army. Yes I know this army is completely insane, so you should either ignore it and keep fighting, or join in the craziness. It's your pick.

**Echidna** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should ride Ward like a horse and swing your axe like a wrecking ball. Put a bra on, please.

**Elen** – Well, at least you didn't see _too much_ of this before fainting.

**Elphin** – No, I don't think your father knows of this plan, but there is a high chance we're all going to be banned from Etruria when this is over.

**Fa** – Just because you look like the (cutest) demon, that doesn't mean you should transform into your dragon form and roar directly into people's faces, then attempt to bite their faces off. You're so young and still pure!

**Fir** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should ride on your father's shoulders and declare yourself to be the "wonderful and unholy spawn of Master Satan", while licking your sword.

**Garrett** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should start humping the halls and laughing manically.

**Geese** – It's _lightning_ that doesn't hit the same place twice, magic arrows are another story. Go find Saul or something.

**Gonzales** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should start outright ripping people's heads off.

**Hugh** – No, I am not giving you emergency pay for every wound you receive. You are aware that numerous people in this can kill even if their clothes _are soaked_ in blood, right? Scraping your knee is nothing, you doofus.

**Igrene** – Your scantily clad form keeps distracting our enemies, but it also keeps making Astol horny. Can you two go do this somewhere else? …."on top of the boss's dead corpse because it'd be so hot" is NOT a good response.

**Klein** – I am impressed you are one of the very few people here that hasn't gone through with this plan, but you aren't freaking out either. I should promote you to lead squads. Your parents would be proud of your calm attitude…and please don't tell them what their daughter is doing.

**Lalum** – Congrats, _Duchess of Pherae_. Congrats for drugging and making Master Roy marry you, Cecilia, Lady Lilina, Sophia, Sue, and Shanna, upon learning polygamy is legal if performed in Etruria. Understand that this issue is not over, and now you've climbed to the top spot on my hate list until the end of time. Now put some clothes now! _This demonic march is not an excuse for public nudity!_

**Lance** – When someone says, "if your hand is bigger than your face, you will die from food poisoning", that doesn't mean you should try to see, allowing Ray to smack your hand _into_ your face. Stop being gullible.

**Lilina** – Congrats… _Duchess of Pherae_ and Queen of Lycia. Understand I am very disappointed into your behavior. …..no I don't think your father would be proud of you for this!

**Lot** – _Do not say_ "Well, it can't get any worse". Fate is ready to screw all of us over, I know it.

**Lugh** – Stop hiding and crying. Our army hasn't _literally_ become demons! Just people devoid of any ounce of integrity!

**Marcus** – I thought you'd be condemning all of this! Stopping to wipe your tears of joy that "my badass army has come through" and "Master Roy has married" was not productive!

**Miledy** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean your wyvern is a hell beast and you are the "Nightwatcher". Being in your small clothes doesn't faze you, huh?

**Noah** – Oh nononono, you are not going anywhere near Fir during this. Sit right there, and count sheep or something.

**Oujay** – Wendy was forced to strip down, but you really shouldn't let her force you out of _your_ clothes.

**Percival** – I see the only reaction you have to all of this is to merely shrug. Good. You are immune to the madness this army creates.

**Ray** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should cackle evilly and declare you're going to sacrifice 100 virgins to quell your thirst.

**Roy** – I will send a letter to your father immediately. Try to stay awake, please. How much did Lalum spike your drink?

**Rutger** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should drink the blood of your victims and grope Clarine.

**Saul** – I am going to _kill_ you. Forget telling Bishop Yodel and the church, there's no point now. You authorized the forced wedding of my lord for your own sick kicks. You are a menace to this army just like Noah, but considering Clarine is Clarine and Elen keeps fainting….I can't take your weapons away. _Yet._ I have Guiding Rings to give out.

**Shanna** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should straddle Master Roy and suck his neck, _Duchess of Pherae_! For heaven's sake!

**Shin** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean your horse should trample people to death.

**Sophia** – This is not the doomsday you predicted, _Duchess of Pherae._

**Sue** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean your horse should trample people to death. _Duchess of Pherae._

**Tate** – I seriously can't believe you're picking _now_ to ask General Klein out. Are you not aware our army is running around acting like hellspawn?

**Treck** – Well done, knocking out that Purge bishop, even if you did it by accident.

**Ward** – Echidna is your boss and you are her fuckboi. If she wants to put a spiked collar and clown mask on you as she rides you like a master on a hellbeast, you _listen._

**Wendy** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should attack everyone for seeing you in your smallclothes. Especially not Oujay, aren't you two a couple?

**Wolt** – Just because you look like a demon, that doesn't mean you should pour boiling water down on our enemy's throats. That's…..frightening.

**Zealot** – Don't worry, I promise we won't tell your wife her sister got married. At the age of 15. And we definitely won't tell her she's trying to lose her virginity as well.

**Zeiss** – Congrats on the Secret Shop haul, but aren't you going to participate in this madness? Face paint gives you hives? Good to know, because I do not think this army is done playing dress up.


	21. The Path Through the Ocean

**Alan** – Congrats on your promotion to Paladin. You will never be as good as Percival, but you managed to not be as horribly incompetent as the other Knight's Crest candidates. ….get back here, you are not leading squads now!

**Astol** – No you may not kidnap Igrene to take a trip all by yourselves, we are still in a war. And knowing you, you would probably just spend all of your time having sex with her.

**Barth** – It is not my concern to check which coat belongs to who, it is yours. You should obviously know Lady Lilina does not wear green….or armor.

**Bartre** – Why are you so upset? Sophia still won, just sharing her victory with the others. …..now stop spiking her water with aphrodisiacs just because you want Lady Ninian's dragon blood to continue.

**Bors** – Go get me rash cream for the horrible sweater you made. You're now in charge of waking us up in the morning.

**Cath** – No you are not the boss of the thieves in our army. You are immature, selfish, and arguably the least moral of the three of you. For all his addiction to laying with Igrene, Astol is still much more competent and skilled.

**Cecilia** – I am perhaps the most disappointed in you for this…..marriage. You're the oldest of his wives and you are the Sorcery General of Etruria. Yes I know Lord Pent did whatever the heck he felt like doing too, but you are not him. You are _definitely_ not him.

**Chad** – Fell Contracts went out of production years ago, so I cannot promote you. Knowing you, you'd probably be the loudest assassin there is. …..that is not a good thing!

**Clarine** – Congrats on your promotion to Valkyrie. Please do well with the Fire tome I've given you, don't…or you can just start laughing evilly and attacking our foes without a second thought. I should've guessed.

**Dieck** – Congrats on your promotion to Hero. No this doesn't call for "celebratory sex" with Echidna, just keep killing people like you normally do.

**Dorothy** – The tea is excellent. Have you considering adding some fruit into the mix?

**Douglas** – I know you are Lalum's father, but smiling at her then growling at Master Roy, raising your axe, and saying "you're dead, Lycian" is _not_ appreciated. _She_ seduced _him_. _She_ tricked _him_. Your daughter may be cute, a good dancer, and sweet, but she is a sociopath.

**Echidna** – No you will not be the godmother for Lalum's future children….especially not when she says she wants "over 10".

**Elen** – Congrats on your promotion to Bishop. This does not mean you should make all of us and the enemy camp sit before you while you launch into perhaps the most passionately worded, but also the longest sermon. 5 hours? Are you kidding me?

**Elphin** – Ah, so…..okay, good to know. The Lycia Alliance Army is never to set foot in Etruria when the war is over. Thanks for reading your father's letter.

**Fa** – You may not marry Elphin, no matter how cute you think he is. This army shall have no more marriages, and you are much too young…..and too old for him.

**Fir** – Congrats on your promotion to Swordsmaster. Please don't attack your father when he squeezes you in a large hug and cries about his wife. Karla _would_ be proud, though.

**Garrett** – The Lycia Alliance Army does not support the purchase of prostitutes.

**Geese** – I have no idea where you got that parrot, but you will stop making it imitate me. You're really dead set on this "be a super obvious pirate just to be annoying" thing aren't you?

**Gonzales** – Congrats on your promotion to Berserker. Go get 'em, tiger. …..no you're not a tiger, it's an expression. _Expression._ E-x-p-r-e-s-I'm not doing this again.

**Hugh** – Where's your Guiding Ring, you ask? Hahahahaha get real.

**Igrene** – I get you want your homeland safe to protect Arcadia, Fa, Sophia, and your husband, but forcing Douglas to sign a binding contract? No Nabata does _not_ have the best lawyers in Elibe, most of the country is desert!

**Klein** – I seriously can't believe you penned Lord Pent and Lady Louise to tell them about Clarine's promotion and our army's status. Give me that paper. "…..tell Merlinus we wish him best of luck"? "We'll send Roy a wedding present"? The Reglays really _are_ the most calm in the world.

**Lalum** – No, you are not going to consummate your marriage, and you will _definitely not_ do it at the same time as the other girls. Yes I know you want everything to be fair for everyone, but making a schedule for each wife to spent time with Master Roy? I will have this annulled, just you wait.

**Lance** – Congrats on your promotion to Paladin. I consider you to be the best non-Percival knight there is, since Alan is still too reckless. No I'm not giving you a gold star, I told Elphin we're not having that!

**Lilina** – Congrats on your promotion to Sage. Your father would be proud of your raw power on the battlefield. Now stop holding Master Roy's hand while you kill things. Even if it is your "wife time", you're just going to put his life at risk.

**Lot** – For the last time, I am not giving you your weapon back. You want to be useful? Fine. Here's a shovel. Go clean up after everyone's horses.

**Lugh** – Congrats on your promotion to Sage. Your mother would be proud…..you can stop running over and asking if I saw that blast you did. This is the 10th time now.

**Marcus** – I agree, perhaps it is time for you to take it easy while the rest of the army gets stronger. I think you've earned some rest.

**Miledy** – Congrats on the promotion to Wyvern Lord. This does not mean you should take Princess Guinevere for rides across the sea.

**Noah** – Giving _you_ a Knight's Crest? Absolutely not. Go find something else to do and stop annoying me. ….I said you can't draw things anymore, remember?

**Oujay** – Congrats on your promotion to Hero. Unfortunately, while you are easily the most competent of the Ostian knights, you are not as skilled as Dieck or Echidna…stop sulking already.

**Percival** – Alan and Lance not copying you. …..okay yes they are, but they've stopped with the hair dye and voice imitation.

**Ray** – Congrats on your promotion to Druid. No this does not mean you can start smiting people. You are _not_ a god, as much as you think are one.

**Roy** – Why do you have to share your father's kind heart? Not only he has allowed this….disgusting affair, you honestly want to make sure you're fair to each wife? …..oh for heaven's sake. This is why you're only the leader in spirit, milord…..no you may not use our gold to get them all wedding presents, you were duped into this!

**Rutger** – Congrats on your promotion to Swordsmaster. While the five-copies trick for your criticals are pretty awe-inspiring, that doesn't give you the right to kill five people in a row everytime you do it.

**Saul** – Congrats on your promotion to hahahaha psyche! I'm not promoting you, you degenerate. Go ahead, try to convince me why I shouldn't take your staff away and kick you out of the army.

**Shanna** – Congrats on your promotion to Falcoknight. Please don't put glitter and stickers on your mount's horn, you've tortured it enough now.

**Shin** – Congrats on your promotion to Nomad Trooper. No you're not supposed to leave a mark to signify your presence, cutting an S into that archer's chest was impractical. It looks like a Z!

**Sophia** – Congrats on your promotion to Druid. ….no you may not snuggle with Master Roy because you "really want to", it's Lady Lilina's turn right now.

**Sue** – Congrats on your promotion to Nomad Trooper. The fierce galloping of your horse becomes undermined when you stop and take a solid minute to tongue kiss your husband. We are telling your grandfather if and when we find him.

**Tate** – Congrats on your promotion to Falcoknight. Yes I know we have the Delphi Shield now, but that doesn't mean you should offer to take on all archers. Miledy wants to borrow it now.

**Treck** – Eh….I'm not sure about you. You're not obnoxious like Noah, and you're still skilled. But you're not as good as the other cavaliers, so I don't think I should promote you. …..no you may not take that as a sign to sleep through every battle now. Either work or you're getting benched.

**Ward** – Here's another shovel. Go dig graves for our fallen enemies, because I can't stand the smell of blood and corpses anymore. You shall be our groundskeeper.

**Wendy** – Okay, you're on thin ice. Your strength is mediocre, your speed is laughable, and your defense is…not too great. Douglas exceeds you in every way. If you don't convince why I shouldn't bench you, you can join your fellow knights.

**Wolt** – No you may not marry Master Roy too just to make sure "the girls don't take advantage of him". We've _far_ passed that point now. …..put the ring away.

**Zealot** – You must be careful when throwing javelins. You knocked over a beehive, and now half of our army is running around like frightened little girls. You're allergic? Well run with them then!

**Zeiss** – No, it's not time to promote you just yet. I see promise though.


	22. The Frozen River

**Alan** – Don't blame me if you catch a cold in this weather. Not all of us have this desperate obsession to prove how tough we are by removing our shirts.

**Astol** – Stop tricking the gullible people of our army. Yellow snow is not "lemon-flavored".

**Barth** – Give me my coat, I'm freezing!

**Bartre** – Don't blame me if you catch a cold in this weather. Not all of us have this desperate obsession to prove how tough we are by removing our shirts. Good lord you did this 20 years too.

**Bors** – I said you were to wake all of us up. That meant early but at a _reasonable hour,_ so you deserved all of the dirty glares when you insisted on banging all of those pots. And the rocks thrown at your head.

**Cath** – You may not bill Elphin over 10,000 gold for "noble corruption" just because he's the Prince of Etruria. He had nothing to do with the coup! "Emotional damages"? You're not from Etruria, you stupid girl!

**Cecilia** – You are very skilled at using Elfire, but that doesn't mean you should you use it to light candles while setting up a romantic dinner for you and Master Roy. In _this_ weather?!

**Chad** – Stop wasting time having snowball fights with Lugh.

**Clarine** – Dorothy is our maid, but she is not just _your_ maid. Stop making her carry your things, polish your boots, brush your hair, and carry you up areas where your horse gets stuck.

**Dieck** \- Don't blame me if you catch a cold in this weather. Not all of us have this desperate obsession to prove how tough we are by removing our shirts. No I don't "like what I see"!

**Dorothy** – No one will blame you if you "accidentally" make Clarine fall into some mud.

**Douglas** – When your daughter gives you some food she made for you, you shouldn't sit down and eat it slowly, no matter how much it pleases her. Armored knights _already_ move slow to begin with, and this snow makes it worse.

**Echidna** – We get it, the Etrurian nobles were responsible for your village being invaded by bandits and enslaved. Please throw away Alcard's head. It's starting to smell now.

**Elen** – It seems your promotion has given you extra confidence and boldness. You defeated those mercs by yourself, dodged countless ballista shots, and…bent the princess over and kissed her passionately for a good three minutes. I don't think _you_ want a love triangle now.

**Elphin** – Rip up that check! Your kingdom is _not_ paying the whims of Cath! Echidna would need the money more anyway.

**Fa** – Stop wasting time making snow angels. I understand you haven't seen snow before but….spit it out, it's not food!

**Fir** – Your father was right to run over when you asked Rutger "how long is your sword"? You have no idea what a double entendre is, do you?

**Garrett** \- Don't blame me if you catch a cold in this weather. Not all of us have this desperate obsession to prove how tough we are by removing our shirts.

**Geese** – Okay, I'm giving you a choice – stop calling everyone "laddie" or "lassie" or I'll have someone give you an _actual_ pegleg. By removing said leg.

**Gonzales** – Drop that yellow snow right now!

**Hugh** – No we're not going to pay Cath! Stop asking for the same "to be fair to women _and_ men". Do you have gambling debts or something?

**Igrene** – For target practice, it is not recommended you put an apple on Geese's head and fire, even if he called you "a saucy wench". You missed the apple, by the way. …..you know? Then help him take the arrow out of his head.

**Klein** – Origami is one of your many talents, but everyone keeps wasting paper when they try to do and fail.

**Lalum** – I warned everyone it would be cold in Ilia, so your dancer outfit is not going to bode well for you. Hahahaha no, I am not giving you _anything_ to cover yourself up. You deserve it for what you did. Either find a shop or ask your father.

**Lance** – Those are cirrus clouds, not cumulonimbus.

**Lilina** – Excellent job with the Bolting tome. It killed the ballista men firing at us, and it even weakened Marcel! Love is a powerful motivator for you, huh?

**Lot** – I know the cold freezes fecal matter, so this doesn't mean you can throw it at enemies. You missed every shot, nice job bucko. Now go clean after my horse.

**Lugh** – Stop crying, you said "anything goes". It's not my fault Chad actually put rocks in his snowballs. Now get back to fighting already!

**Marcus** – I see you wish to pen your memoirs for the remainder of the battle. That doesn't mean you should embellish and say I was a "sniveling coward not worth the shoes he was wearing"! ….No I don't care if I was more….emotional years ago, people can change!

**Miledy** – I warned Elen this would happen. Stop kissing the princess in front of her just to make a point, you two are starting to make her space out. Why do _both_ of you have to use tongue?

**Noah** – No it will not be romantic if you pee your name and Fir's name into the snow, you degenerate. Did _anybody_ teach you how to charm girls correctly?

**Oujay** – Yes of course the yellow snow smells, it's soaked in urine! For god's sake….

**Percival** – Cath is not an enemy to Etruria just because she's trying to extort the prince. ….she's an enemy to _everyone,_ but we have other things to worry about.

**Ray** – No I don't want to see if you can summon succubi, how many dark tomes are you reading?

**Roy** – Nononono, do not give Lalum your coat! Now you have the other women jealous! Nononono, don't give them the rest of your clothes, now you're only in your underwear! And for the love of Elibe, _do not_ take their offers to "warm you up". No they don't have a heating blanket, what _else_ do they mean when they wink or lick their lips?

**Rutger** – This was all a misunderstanding on Bartre's part. But saying "I don't really know, 10 inches or so, it's not like I have time to measure when I have it out" and having Fir react with awe nearly gave him a heart attack.

**Saul** \- …..wow, I must admit that was a very well-reasoned answer you gave. Logical….smart….very well. Here's a Guiding Ring. But you're still a very perverted man and that will not change anytime soon.

**Shanna** – Stop pinching Master Roy's behind. Now I am going to tell your sister.

**Shin** – Most of us are not from Sacae. You can't expect us to use every single part of the dead animals we eat…..we are not making necklaces out of the teeth.

**Sophia** – When Ray asks if you have any books to summon the denizens of Hell, you are to say no immediately.

**Sue** – I understand you wish to help Marcus with his memoirs. That doesn't mean when you describe Rath and Lady Lyndis in detail, you don't add how their love-making sessions were.

**Tate** – Stop giving Master Roy dirty looks for "showing off his body to lure my sister into his clutches". Clearly you've never been with her before, she is only a fraction more moral than Lalum. 2% compared to 0%. And you forget _she_ married _him._

**Treck** – Obviously you are very talented. It takes skill to build accurate builds of all of us out of snow, but everyone got worried when you started to hack at the sculptures with your lance until the sun went down. Do you have some repressed anger you want to share?

**Ward** – Take the eyepatch off and get rid of the lantern. Your grounds aren't the entire world, and you are not the groundskeeper that "haunts Elibe because of unfinished business".

**Wendy** – Well, I wasn't expecting you to take out a buzzsaw, needles, poison darts, nunchucks, sais, a katana blade, chakrams, and smoke bombs. Who sold you these…..weapons? And why don't you use them more often? What the hell do you mean they're only for "protecting Lady Lilina in case of a zombie apocalypse"?!

**Wolt** – Don't blame me if you catch a cold in this weather. Not all of us have this desperate obsession to prove how tough we are by removing our shirts. Your teeth are chattering.

**Zealot** – Now is not the right time to wonder if you locked your door before you left for your mercenary work.

**Zeiss** – For god's sake, just because your sister has tongued the princess, that doesn't mean _you_ have to kiss Zephiel now. You're still relatively sane, so don't kiss _anyone._


	23. Bitter Cold

**Alan** – No Dorothy is not going to make you soup to help your cold. You deserved it for not listening to me.

**Astol** – It was not funny to put a carrot in my pocket, allowing for more enemy pegasi to swarm me. You think you're so smug, don't you?

**Barth** – No, I told you are not fighting. Lady Lilina can murder droves of enemies by herself, and you can't hit anything. Simple logistics.

**Bartre** – Stop asking Niime if her son really died by a snowstorm. Yes I know she doesn't mind talking about it, but it's disrespectful to shake your head and say "that's a pretty freaking lame way to go out".

**Bors** – You give excellent pedicures, but maybe you shouldn't offer to give everyone one. You forget this army is filled with narcissistic and selfish people who will gladly take you up on the offer.

**Cath** – Well it seems you can handle yourself pretty well. And by that I mean when an enemy cavalier went to attack you, you screamed at the top of your lungs "Mommy, daddy, help, this man is touching me in a no-no place!", making him panic and apologize profusely before giving you "hush money" and leaving. Wipe the smug grin off your face. You're going to Hell.

**Cecilia** – Don't offer to give Master Roy "private lessons", even if you insist the offer is innocent. He just asked me for a quick rundown of the female anatomy. Did you teach him _anything_ in Ostia?! And you expect him to consummate?!

**Chad** – You are not the lizard king. I have no idea where you even managed to get them to follow you.

**Clarine** – Rutger is not cheating on you with Fir. So this does not mean you should slap her face with a glove and challenge her to a duel. This can only end badly for everyone _but_ the two of you.

**Dieck** – I'm blaming you for making the rest of your squad start singing "99999 bottles of beer on the wall". Yes I _know_ there's only supposed to be 99!

**Dorothy** – I don't believe you. You've always scolded Saul for his behavior, but suddenly when he asks you out, you say yes?! No it won't give you points with God!

**Douglas** – Lalum is not pregnant, she only said that so you would wake up from your nap. Stop trying to castrate Master Roy.

**Echidna** – Tell your fuckbois to stop singing already.

**Elen** – Cecilia is not going to Hell for pedophilia. Master Roy is old…. _enough,_ and she's younger than 25. I know, it surprised me too.

**Elphin** – Throw away the I.O.U you wrote for Cath. You owe her _nothing._

**Fa** – I know you're cold, but this doesn't mean you should transform into your dragon form and ask for Igrene and Sophia to rub your belly.

**Fir** – Clarine challenged you, but you really don't have to acknowledge it. Don't accept her challenge by looking directly into her eyes, cutting your palm, and sucking the blood out. Are you a vampire?

**Garrett** – You realize you look like a brigand, right? So when you climb the mountains to rescue villages, you should expect people to run away in fear, and even attack you with torches. This doesn't mean you should tell enemy brigands to go rob them out of spite.

**Geese** – I have an extremely dim-witted but extremely competent berserker, and one that just keeps screwing around. No way am I having three by giving YOU of all people a Hero's Crest. But since you've stopped playing pirate (for now), I suppose you can manage our finances, given your merchant family.

**Gonzales** – Yellow snow is NOT lemon flavored! Quit asking for more!

**Hugh** – When your grandmother addresses you, the proper choice of action is not to scream incredibly loud and hide behind a tree. Then ask me in the most non-whispered voice if "the old hag died yet".

**Igrene** – I understand Fa enjoys it when you give her raspberries on her belly, but we should keep moving.

**Klein** – It is nice that you want to hold Tate's hand when she asks, but you shouldn't let her hold _both_ of them, you still need to aim at our enemies.

**Lalum** – It's not going to make your father feel better if you offer to name your firstborn after him. ….even if it's a girl?

**Lance** – Hugh is just paranoid, Niime did not come from the depths of Hell to curse us all. Don't say that to her face.

**Lilina** – I think you made Master Roy nearly pass out when you said you and Cecilia were going to do private lessons "all night long". Yes I _know_ you're talking about magic training, but the male mind is a dangerous thing.

**Lot** – That's it, there's only 91310 bottles left, I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

**Lugh** – You are skilled with the thunder tome, but that doesn't mean you should use it everytime someone says something dramatic, then say "dun dun dun"

**Marcus** – Just because Shanna said she modeled her hair after the late Farina, that doesn't mean you should write in your memoirs she was the bastard child of her! Yes I know Farina was just as cheeky as she is, but she would have be the mother of her _and_ her sisters. I think Lady Yuno is too old for this idea to make sense. …..don't put it anyway and add an asterisk and the words "reference needed"!

**Miledy** – Don't stop to lecture your brother on the finer points of arrow dodging _while_ dodging arrow shots. Only one of you can hold the Delphi Shield at a time, so just kill the ballista men already.

**Niime** – Welcome to the army. …..no, you may not study Fa for "research". Putting up actual air quotes when you say it only makes me _more_ suspicious. But you certainly can hit your idiot grandson.

**Noah** – When you see Clarine and Fir about to duel, the response isn't to charge everyone tickets for "the best catfight of the year".

**Oujay** – Don't worry, just keep Wendy happy and she won't use her death weapons on you. ….maybe.

**Percival** – The _Lycia_ Alliance Army does not force all of its members to say "For the Glory of Etruria" before every battle. You forget _ou_ r country was the one that ended the corruption in _yours._

**Ray** – No no, you are not to be within 10 feet of Niime. I see how crafty she is already and I know how amoral _you_ are.

**Roy** – Pick up your jaw and compose yourself already. If the power of imagination startles you that much, you will die of shock if you actually let these girls touch you.

**Rutger** – When you see Clarine and Fir about to duel, the response isn't to make some popcorn and sit on a folding chair, smirking all the while.

**Saul** – If Dorothy is with child before this war ends, I will make sure you lose your priesthood. Our maid makes the best tea. _Do not_ screw this up.

**Shanna** – No you're not adopted, Marcus is just trying to make his theory make sense. ….right?

**Shin** – I know, Ilia's soldiers are morons for using javelins on you. That doesn't mean you should say they've "disgraced their livelihood and probably should kill themselves for less pain".

**Sophia** – You're half dragon, so please keep yourself and Fa far away from Niime.

**Sue** – How many pegasi have you killed today? …. _that_ many? My word, who the hell taught them to use javelins against a bow user?

**Tate** – Klein is not your "love bunny".

**Treck** – I understand you wanted to talk things out, but your talk with Sigune was futile, because you tried to ask her on a date and she turned you down. Yes she _did_ turn you down, because of the javelin now stuck in your head.

**Ward** \- That's it, there's only 91310 bottles left, I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

**Wendy** – Trying to be all cool and serious when you painted red lines on your face and swung your nunchuks around, making nonsensical sounds, was undermined when Sigune's mount knocked you into the snow, and now you _literally_ can't get back up. That's it, give me your weapons.

**Wolt** – Don't offer to spike Lady Lilina's and General Cecilia's drinks with a love potion "to make Master Roy's dreams a reality". It's noble, but it also extremely creepy. And love potions don't work, you dolt.

**Zealot** – Help your knights get girlfriends because they're starting to become unbearable without them. Yes, _especially Noah_ , who's already #3 on my hate list.

**Zeiss** – Your wyvern is not better than Miledy's. They look the same. Stop with this petty debate already. Dodge the arrows and clear our path!


	24. The Liberation of Ilia

**Alan** – When a druid insists he isn't going to Sleep you, you don't agree and focus on other targets, allowing him to take advantage of your misdirection and Sleep you anyway. It's reverse psychology, you idiot!

**Astol** – We're supposed to be liberating Castle Edessa, so pick the chests we find. There's no point in stealing the clothes of the lord of the castle because Zealot's already with us! No you may not sell it back to him with a "finder's fee"!

**Barth** – How does one get Berserked _and_ Sleeped?! How bad IS your luck and resistance?! You're not even carrying any weapons!

**Bartre** – Stop listening to Marcus, we don't have a conspiracy on our hands. Shanna is not Farina's daughter! Stop trying to figure out who her "true father" is! No it's not Lord Hector you dolt, just because of the blue hair?

**Bors** – When I told you to wake me up from my nap, I didn't mean for you to do five seconds before that ballista shot almost took my head off!

**Cath** – We're supposed to be liberating Castle Edessa, so pick the chests we find. Zealot and Lady Yuno do not have "a secret gold stash in their floorboards"! Put the crowbar away!

**Cecilia** – Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Stop rubbing his bottom.

**Chad** – We're supposed to be liberating Castle Edessa, so pick the chests we find. Don't sneak into their kitchen and raid the fridge!

**Clarine** – Focus on attacking our enemies, not stopping and pointing out every speck of dust you find. Mercenary work doesn't pay _that_ much, and we're not in Etruria. Not everyone is loaded here.

**Dieck** – I applaud you. When you knocked a hole in the wall, revealing Roartz sitting on the throne, panicking, you took the Armorslayer and made several violent and obscene gestures (implying we were all going to remove his organs piece of piece, castrate him, sexually attack his corpse and feed it to a bunch of starving poor people), and scared him so much he actually _did_ crap his pants. But in your moments of rowdy laughter he also managed to get the hell out of there, so we still have to hunt him down when this is over.

**Dorothy** – Don't dust because Clarine begged you to. It's not going to kill her.

**Douglas** – Saying "everyone, I'll block the shots to protect you all!" becomes useless when the druids and bishops see you and bombard you with spells from afar. A physical tank is not a magical tank.

**Echidna** – You may not make entrances by using home-made bombs.

**Elen** – When enemy Bishops try to Purge us, it's not a "who's holier than thou" contest to see who's more close to God. But at least you're accurate with your own Purge tome.

**Elphin** – For the last time, a thumb is technically not a finger! How did we even get to this ridiculous debate anyway?

**Fa** – When you see enemy druids trying to Sleep us, the answer isn't to quickly change into your pajamas and ask for a bedtime story and warm milk. You have extremely high resistance. You will not be snoozing anytime soon.

**Fir** – No, your "battle" with Clarine was most definitely a tie, if you could call it that. Her erratic shots hit a few members of the army, and you had no hesitation in cutting through other members of the army to chase her down. On a side note, the two of you don't know what the hell "friendly fire" means, do you?

**Garrett** – We're supposed to be fighting Bern's forces. Get off the couch and stop lounging around!

**Geese** – Yes I do think we're going to need extra money based on the damage this army is causing to Edessa. Sell these old swords, this worn-down-tome, some of this…..and put Lot and Ward as collateral for a loan. Throw in Wolt too.

**Gonzales** – Well at least the enemy knows to never Berserk you again. Because the things you did while in a frenzy were so horrific and violent I'm getting a little sick just mentioning them. Maybe you should sit the rest of the battle out.

**Hugh** – You weren't fooling anyone when you stole a staff from my wagon and declared yourself to have "the Unholy Staff, capable of destroying anything it touches with a single tap!". I say this because you taped a piece of a paper with the words **"totally not a regular heal staff** " to it. Subtlety is not your strong suit, it seems.

**Igrene** – You shouldn't have stabbed Ward's eye with an arrow when he asked if the carpet matches the drapes. Yes I know the question is rude and tactless, but he was being literal. You were in the den.

**Klein** – Now is not the time to do trick shots to impress the younger members of our army.

**Lalum** \- Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Get your hand out of his neither region!

**Lance** – Acting very angry does not fool Berserk users into thinking you're already affected.

**Lilina** \- Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Stop kissing his neck!

**Lot** – You have got to be joking me. So you were the one that made those thieves sneak into the castle by chatting them up and talking about our mission. And they stole your clothes while you were distracted? _When you were talking to them?! How is that possible?! How the f**k is that possible?!_

**Lugh** – Yes I know your name rhymes with Hugh's, stop making songs out of it.

**Marcus** – Get out of Lady Yuno's bedroom! This insane theory must stop! You are not going to find a photograph or secret birth documents! I don't care if you want to be 100% true in your memoirs, can't you pick another topic to write about?!

**Miledy** – What do you mean, Trifinne is in her mating season? Well go fine a male wyvern! ….oh…..the only one is Zeiss's….oh, I see the problem.

**Niime** – Yes I know Hugh is pathetic, but Lilina and Lugh are still competent. Don't refer to them all as "anima-using scum".

**Noah** – Put. Lady. Yuno's. Underwear. Back. In. Her. Drawer. _Now._

**Oujay** – Thank you for dismantling the ballista men outside, but you really had to stop and try to learn how to ice-skate? You kept slipping and falling.

**Percival** – It is recommended one removed the dead heads from a javelin before throwing it again.

**Ray** – Okay, I'm going to say this only once. Either you get rid of the gremlins you made, or I'm burning ALL of your tomes to cinders. This army does not play god.

**Roy** – …forget it, I have no words.

**Rutger** – Don't ask Ray to transform you into a demon.

**Saul** – Yes I know today's society is littered with double standards. It's all cute when Master Roy's wives offer to warm him up in an implied sexual manner, but when you offer the same to other women in our army, it gets you punched, smacked, and spit on. Deal with it.

**Shanna** \- Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Stop licking his chest.

**Shin** – No, your horse may not….be with Miledy's wyvern. The mount did nothing wrong to you, so there's no need to sick your defiling beast on it.

**Sophia** \- Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Stop blowing air into his ear.

**Sue** \- Just because my lord has pathetic resistance, this doesn't mean you and your sister wives stop to cuddle with him when he gets Sleeped. Stop smelling his hair.

**Tate** – It's great that you've freed your sister, but the answer wasn't to strangle Treck and force him to surrender his weapons when she said she had no means of defending herself.

**Treck** – I'm sorry your lady's sister is a maniac. Breathe.

**Ward** – Yes I know it's funny that Lot's so pathetic when it comes to thieves. But I find it more…..mind-numbingly depressing. And you should start wearing that eyepatch now.

**Wendy** – You shall be in charge of tallying our damage count and kill count. People are starting to argue who's more successful in this army.

**Wolt** – Please don't say Master Roy is being "stripped of the last of his innocence". I'm trying not to look. At least he's awake now...

**Yuno** – Welcome to the army…..um…..I do want to apologize for what this army has done to your hom-what? You see your sister doing something odd with a red-haired boy in the distance? Ha! Nononono, you must be m-mistaken! Y-Yeah! ….on a side note, is she adopted?

**Zealot** – Where to begin…..I'm deeply sorry this army has….just laid waste to your castle during this mission. You've been one of the most patient and competent members of the army still standing, and I would really appreciate it if OH GOD NOT THE FACE!

**Zeiss** – How big of an idiot are you? Just because Trifinne has mated with your mount, that doesn't mean _you_ have to sleep with _your sister_ now. Stop crying and put your pants back on.


	25. The Spear of Ice

**Alan** – Put the battering ram away. There's no need to destroy every wall like a caveman when there's clearly cracks in a few spots! Focus on those. No you may not keep it "just in case"

**Astol** – I see you get quite bored easily, but you can actually put your brain to good use. Figuring out how to use the snow surrounding the ruins to make delicious snow cones was commendable. ….why are you grinning? This is lemon flavored, isn't it? …..oh you _son of a bitch._

**Barth** – You hand out coats, not rummage through them. Stopping everyone to ask if one gold coin belonged to them was ridiculous, and it just shows me you're terrible at the job I've given you, because _you still don't know what clothing belongs to who._

**Bartre** – You already did your trick of putting your head through a hole to scare people.

**Bors** – No one likes your sweaters because they're itchy and you sew in embarrassing phrases on it. "I'm a big boy now"? "Keep calm and carry on"? "Expand dong"? You must be mad.

**Cath** – I don't believe your claims that you have "dirty laundry on everyone here", and even if you did, some members of this army have given up their dignity long ago.

**Cecilia** – I refuse to speak with you until the glaze fades from Master Roy's eyes.

**Chad** – Just because it's cold and winter-y in Ilia, that doesn't mean we should stop for a Christmas party. Put the lights, tinsel, and coal away, and stop painting the noses of every reindeer you see. Only one has the red one.

**Clarine** – You do not have the right to deny who Klein chooses to date, no matter how poor you think they are or how "not as beautiful as me" you think they are. Tate can hear you, you know.

**Dieck** – Hand Axes are to be thrown at a distance, not used to remove the caked blood on your arms. You do know that only risks your arm to be cut again, right?

**Dorothy** – Yes I know Saul keeps staring at the other girls with a dopey smile on his face. Either step it up or break it off already.

**Douglas** – I assure you, we will find Roartz and kill him. You can stop making sculptures of him out of snow and brutally smashing it with your axe.

**Echidna** \- Just because Lot and Ward want to be helpful, that doesn't mean you use their heads to break down walls.

**Elen** – We don't have time for you to stop and proceed over the marriage of Princess Guinevere, especially when you and Miledy are the "grooms". I said no more marriages in this army!

**Elphin** – When someone suggests you play a very vulgar song, you do not play the song, and allow them to sing the lyrics. No matter how nicely they ask.

**Fa** – You do not have imaginary dragon friends named Tiki, Nowi, Nah, and Myrrh.

**Fir** – I will tell your father Noah has propositioned you if you continue to be swayed by his charming. No I'm not restrictive, I don't trust him!

**Garrett** – You may not have a "bald-off" with me. I still have hair you know!

**Geese** – Oh good, you got the loan. ….at 25% interest?! What kind of haggler are you? …what do you mean, the merchant "made you an offer I couldn't refuse"? All she gave you was a rotting apple, a pirate hat, and three bottles of whiskey!

**Gonzales** – Do not ask Astol for snow cones, you banned from eating anything I don't sign off on.

**Hugh** – Your grandmother is not going to eat your brains and try to castrate you. Have _some_ affection for her and just have a chat.

**Klein** – Stop listening to your sister. You have self-control and logic, you're not going to "knock up Tate and become a deadbeat dad". Clarine is just jealous.

**Igrene** – Fa needs another snack besides ice cream sundaes. They take too long to make, they're not good for her, and she ends up eating too much and getting a stomachache. Yes I know I see her begging, puppy dog eyes are not a good excuse!

**Lalum** \- I refuse to speak with you until Master Roy stops drooling.

**Lance** – It was admirable you managed to trick the sniper into coming out from the wall to get closer, allowing some of us to trap him and attack, but there was no need to gloat for five minutes straight. No I'm not "doing the Lance Dance for my Pants"!

**Lilina** – I refuse to speak with you until Master Roy can form a coherent sentence.

**Lot** – Find Elen to heal your massive head wound.

**Lugh** – Niime is not Mrs. Claus. You still believe in Santa? You're 13!

**Marcus** – There! Lady Yuno said she's not adopted! Does that satisfy you? ….no Tate is not the daughter of Fiora! Hair color is not _that_ concrete of evidence!

**Miledy** – Grooms don't wear wedding dresses. Where did you even find one?

**Niime** – Yes I know many people in this army are not smart and/or easy to trick. This doesn't mean you create a scavenger hunt, promising "great prizes", only to have them find useless junk, animal droppings, dead bodies, and Astol's garbage snow cones.

**Noah** – "Did you fall from Heaven? Because you're an angel" is a horrible pick up line and I should kick you out of the army for even thinking of it.

**Oujay** – Put the dead rat down! It's not the "final prize" of Niime's hunt! It's a scam!

**Percival** – I don't know why many people keep joking you have a friend named Thomas. Another odd joke, it seems.

**Ray** – Finally the time has come to use Eclipse for _something_ , and you resort to smashing the wall with the tome itself. It would've taken much less time if you used the actual spell.

**Roy** \- …..are you there, milord? Speak to me. Oh….

**Rutger** – I already said no to Elen and Miledy, there was no need to attack them. This army is not planning to defect to Bern, I promise you. We're still trying to defeat them. We are not going to "force the princess to shoot out more bastards like Zephiel"

**Saul** – It's called _monogamy._

**Shanna** – I refuse to speak with you until Master Roy stops squeezing the air like there are breasts visible.

**Shin** – We have better things to do than run around in circles on your horse, making the warriors and snipers stop to catch their breath, no matter how funny you think it is. We need to find the Malte.

**Sophia** – I refuse to speak with you until Master Roy stops grinning like an idiot.

**Sue** – I refuse to speak with you until Master Roy stops giggling madly. What have the six of you _done?_

**Tate** – Stop spreading rumors. Lycia is not going to occupy Bern once we kill Zephiel, turning all of the native residents into slaves, and destroying every Bern monument in an attempt to "create total Lycian superiority in Elibe". This is just because I forgot to say "bless you" when you sneezed, huh?

**Treck** – You can still fight, you know. You didn't have to let Lady Yuno keep your weapon-and now you're sleeping.

**Ward** – Find Elen to heal your massive head wound.

**Wendy** – I think you're exaggerating greatly when you write that Lady Lilina has defeated 7204923950 enemies and everyone else has barely cracked 100 wins.

**Wolt** – Dorothy is the better tea maker, I'm sorry. She brews it carefully, serves it with crackers, and puts little spices and fruit. Yours tastes like hot dishwater.

**Yuno** \- ….alright, I give up. I can't refuse that serene smile….your sister has….well, married. And consummated. ….I did not think your reaction would be to squeal like a schoolgirl and ask her if she could name the first born after you. Huh.

**Zealot** – Apology accepted. I would go insane if someone trashed my home as well. ….although my eye is still black, you know.

**Zeiss** – You are not Miledy's best man _and_ Elen's maid of honor. Take the dress off. Does _everybody_ not understand the roles of a wedding?


	26. The Bishop's Teachings

**Attention all! We are now making our way through Sacae…..we're getting closer to Bern.**

**Alan** – You are to not throw Javelins and Hand Axes together, thinking you can be twice as threatening at range. They keep crashing into each other when you throw them, making them hit the ground.

**Astol** – Do not make bets on which wife of Master Roy will be with child first. I would really not want to think about that.

**Barth** – A new job for you then? Fine….let's see…..you can be Lady Lilina's butler. I already have an incompetent soldier doing the same for my own lord.

**Bartre** – Threatening to send their horses to the glue factory can only scare enemy nomads so many times. Put the scalpels away.

**Bors** – We're not going to start a marching band. Singing is already bad, but I do not trust this army with normal items that can be used to bludgeon people.

**Cath** – How's your village fund, you ask? Hmm….about 6000 gold. What, you expected more? Well how about you stop trying these insane money schemes and focus on what we hired you for – to steal things, sneak around, and collect information. And how about you put the collars away, because no matter how useless my army gets, _I am not selling people into slavery!_

**Cecilia** – I know it's a cute nickname, or supposed to be, but calling Master Roy "Daddy" is extremely creepy when you yourself are older than him. You don't want Elen to tie a cross around your neck, right?

**Chad** – No we're not giving you a Poison Sword to fight with, because poison weapons _suck._

**Clarine** – I understand you want to spend time with both your brother and Rutger, but now is not the time to start making double dates.

**Dieck** – A woman's time of the month is a very sensitive and stressful time for her. So asking Echidna if she's "done leaking blood like a fire hose" definitely deserved a kick to the nuts.

**Dorothy** – Okay, um….wow, you clearly take things too literally. When I suggested you to step things up, it was to find a way to try to catch more of Saul's attention. I meant a romantic dinner or walks along the countryside. I certainly did _not_ mean for you to get Lot and Ward to play music while you rip off your clothes, revealing lingerie that had crotchless panties and nipple holes, then proceeded to dance seductively, gyrating your hips and contorting like you knew many sexual positions, culminating in a lap dance and french-kiss for Saul. It's too bad I already took your weapon away, because I can't think of a way to punish you further. Frankly, I'm still in shock.

**Douglas** – Black jelly beans are licorice, not mystery flavored. You didn't have to scoff in disgust and spit them back at my face. That's the last time I share a snack with you.

**Echidna** – You kicked Dieck in the nuts, you think sex is appropriate now, even if your hormones are going crazy? How can you even…oh dear, what do you mean by "alternate methods"?

**Elen** \- …I don't know if Dorothy's going to be banned from the church now. But based on Saul's reaction, he definitely is.

**Elphin** – Please don't accept any more gifts from Fa, even if you're just being polite. She wants to "seal the deal", and you have no idea how much that scares me. Yes I know she's still innocent, but there's only like, 5 pure people left in this army, including you and her. _Do something._

**Fa** – Please don't make hearts for Elphin out of mud.

**Fir** – Sacae is a country where typically, the males use swords and the females fight with bows. So when those nomads laughed at you for holding a Wo Dao, you shouldn't have cut their tongues out and fed it to them. No I'm not part of the "oppressive patriarchy"!

**Garrett** – Put your gold away, Dorothy is not going to be this army's personal stripper.

**Geese** – When I asked you to balance our checkbook, that wasn't a literal statement. Good god…please tell me you're just doing another stupid joke. Do you have _any_ savvy of financial affairs?

**Gonzales** – We do not eat horses in this army, even if the nomads riding them were already dead. You have four people from Sacae that will murder you without remorse, so be careful.

**Hugh** – You have zero tact whatsoever. Birthday money and will money are not appropriate things someone demands from their grandmother for someone in their 20s. I would hide if I were you….

**Igrene** – Congrats on your news that you are with child. …..wait, what?!

**Klein** – It was not a good idea to tell Rutger where your sister is "the most ticklish". How do you even know that?

**Lalum** – Let me guess. You're the one that gave Dorothy that idea just now? ….you really should not look so proud for turning a mild-mannered church goer into a Saul-crazed vixen. Then again, what else do I expect from the girl who took my lord's virginity?

**Lance** – When I sent you and others to go try in the arena for money, I didn't mean for everyone else to dump all of their fights on you. …at least you won.

**Lilina** – Teaching Gonzales how to properly use a fork and knife does not restore the rotting horse corpses.

**Lot** – Surprisingly you know how to play the harp well.

**Lugh** – I think you need to stop with the brotherly affection. Between the hugs, hand holding, and….kisses, you're just pissing Ray off more and more, even if you insist "he really likes it". I know he's a major tsundere, but you're crossing into incestual territory, and I will not have that again.

**Marcus** – We do not use actual bodies as ranged weapons. Put Oujay down.

**Miledy** – I do not know why you have a strong dislike for fedoras, but alright, I will return them.

**Niime** – Should I be concerned that you're actually brewing something in a chamberpot? Or that you have a broomstick now? …this can't end well.

**Noah** – Take off the fedora. For some reason, seeing someone like you wear one and try to charm Fir, who is becoming self-conscious and defensive over gender roles, is just giving me bad vibes. …more than usual from _you._

**Oujay** – Marcus said he was sorry. Get your head out of that boulder and return to the fight.

**Percival** – Clearly you have a knack for dismantling ballista. They piss me off, they piss you off, they piss everyone off. …..I did not think you would snap and force-feed them one of their bows.

**Ray** – Oh stop with the complaining. Your mother would adore her sons trying to be close….well, you know what I mean.

**Roy** – Master Roy, I think the allure of six wives is going to make you completely out of your mind. …..why have you put on a pair of sunglasses when it's nighttime?

**Rutger** – Ticklish spots are not meant to be attacked with _tongue!_ I don't care if Clarine keeps giggling and her eyes are becoming glazed, have _some_ decency!

**Saul** \- …Are you happy now? Are you really happy now? …. _I was being rhetorical_! You did not need to grope her and giggle like a horny schoolboy! For crying out loud…..You've dismissed Dorothy in the past, but she has latched onto your affection hard. …..and she has lost all integrity like the rest of you ingrates.

**Shanna** – Saying "don't worry everyone, I'll start a fire" is not to be accompanied with a loud explosion. I have no idea how one does that with two _sticks._

**Shin** – We are not going to kick Gonzales out of the army. Try as hard as you want with your defiling beast, do you really want to play this game with a man that has ripped wyvern's heads off?

**Sophia** – Do not use your future-seeing abilities to predict who will win fights in the arena. ….actually do that, we need more gold.

**Sue** – I was joking when I asked if you speak squirrel. Stop having a conversation and get back to fighting!

**Tate** – No I don't know how enemy thieves can destroy whole villages, I've stopped questioning matters of the battlefield at this point.

**Treck** – Either you go back to fighting, or I'm putting you in charge of our laundry. And trust me, _everyone_ manages to get their clothes dirty with _something_. Blood, vomit, tears, sweat….other body fluids.

**Ward** – We are not starting an escort service now. And trust me, you're not someone I would hire for the ladies. …..yes it _is_ because of the chest hair, I told you to shave that!

**Wendy** – You're utterly mad if you think we're going to stop to count the _pints_ of blood people have spilled in this war. Are you telling me you're either going to embellish like crazy or determine god-like precision in your reports?

**Wolt** – The next time you say Master Roy is "drowning in da pussy", I will tell your mother.

**Yuno** – I think you're getting carried away. Shanna is "married", but there's no rush to make Tate married as well, even if she almost fainted in joy at the idea and you really really want to be an aunt.

**Zealot** – No you may not head back to Ilia to hold your daughter, I'm afraid we still have a war to finish. You will be home soon, I promise.

**Zeiss** – Alright, fine, have the Elysian Whip. I think you've earned it.


	27. The Law of Sacae

**Alan** – You may not superglue sticks to your mount to make them look more threatening, as if they had a horn. Does this army just like torturing four-legged creatures or something?

**Astol** –Get back here. That's _your_ child, not somebody's else's. …If you love Igrene, you will stay and go through with this. How worried for her safety can you be when she's one of the most accurate bow-users here? She's made Ward half blind!

**Barth** – I think you need lessons from Wolt. Butlers do not wear armor under their armor. They do not wear armor, period. You think I don't see you panting and wiping the sweat from your head? It's a sunny day today.

**Bartre** – Yes your daughter fancies someone. No it is not Zeiss, so apologize for yelling at him and trying to kill his wyvern. It's Noah. Good luck. Here's a Killer Axe.

**Bors** – I think you're taking the nanny role a little too seriously. The apron, dress, and lipstick are starting to unnerve some people.

**Cath** – No you may not take pictures of Master Roy…consorting with his wives and sell them to tabloids across Elibe. Even if the seven of them don't mind the attention, people like myself, Sue's grandfather, Lord Eliwood, the King of Etruria, etc. certainly would.

**Cecilia** – You didn't need to burn that shaman to death _and_ have your horse eat it. He only said he was "thinking" of attacking Master Roy. Sweet heaven…..

**Chad** – Saying Bors is a she-male is _not_ appropriate, the correct term is…..why wait am I even dignifying this with a response? You're much too young for this discussion.

**Clarine** – Well done. You seem fixated on making sure Dorothy is a proper lady, given your shock and disgust at what she did the other night. Teach her well and make her civilized again. ….by the way, please cover up the massive amount of hickeys on your neck. Every square inch has a red mark, and that must hurt now.

**Dieck** – Please wipe off the blood marks around your mouth. I know what you did, and it is absolutely _disgusting._

**Dorothy** – I don't care if the dress Clarine forced you to wear is itchy, you will listen to _everything_ she says now. I want this army's maid to be decent. Now balance this dictionary on your head.

**Douglas** – Please do not let your daughter set you up on blind dates. You did not have "something special" with that wyvern lord, she was only charming you just to steal your axe.

**Echidna** – Good to see that you're calmer and very content, now go turn your pleasure into murder for us. By the way, never ask Dieck to do that again.

**Elen** – I can't believe you actually penned Zephiel about his sister's "marriage" to you and Miledy. I don't care how proud you are or how much you love the princess, that was incredibly stupid and now our army is going to look even more ridiculous when we get to him.

**Elphin** – Saying "I'm much too young" is not a good method of dissuading Fa, because she only smiled and said "I can wait". Try something else.

**Fa** – Wyverns are not "crunchy". I am surprised you can eat one with no problem, but stay far away from Miledy and Zeiss if you do it.

**Fir** – Cutting someone from behind and blaming Rutger only works the first time.

**Garrett** – You seem to be a talented chef, because the bread you baked is very delicious. …can you please think of a better name? "A Slice of Heaven" works better than "A Slice of Total F**king Amazing Orgasms Boy-O"

**Geese** – Here's the Silver Card. Stock up on Physics and killer weapons. We're gonna need them. Marcus is going with you to make you sure you don't take anymore dumb deals.

**Gonzales** – Excellent form you have criticaling enemies, but when you throw the axe up, you're supposed to catch it and swing, not drive your fist through someone's skull.

**Hugh** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a monkey.

**Igrene** – The Lycia Alliance Army does not give maternity leave. Yuno's still here, so she can give you help if you need it. And I suggest chaining Astol to a tree, because he keeps trying to leave.

**Klein** – No you may not let Tate attack your neck just to make your sister feel more comfortable with hers. It's broad daylight!

**Lalum** – I don't want to know how long Master Roy's…."binding blade" is.

**Lance** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a camel.

**Lilina** – I warned you chewing gum is a dangerous thing. Go find Klein to help you get it out of your hair, because he's quite resourceful like that.

**Lot** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a penguin.

**Lugh** – Spitballs are not an effective weapon on Druids using Eclipse, even if they keep missing and not bothering to attack you with regular magic.

**Marcus** – I asked you to go with Geese, not test his knowledge on the economic world. I don't even know how and when you managed to write a 50-page exam. With an essay section?!

**Miledy** – It's not my fault Treck keeps forgetting your name, but calling him "Train", "Tart", and "Totalitarian State" ( _what_?) just to spite him is not really working.

**Niime** – Cure everyone you've hexed immediately, or I will have some of our more…violent members come after you. You think Dieck and Rutger mind attacking the elderly?

**Noah** – Clever distracting Bartre with a sudden marriage proposal. ….. ** _oh my god, no_**!

**Oujay** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a dog.

**Percival** – I am entrusting the murder of Monke to you. Everyone else will just miss horribly and get killed back.

**Ray** – You may not ask Niime to take you as her pupil. I forbid it!

**Roy** – I can't believe you. There really was no need to walk in slow motion, having each wife hold your arm as you declared yourself to be "in da house".

**Rutger** – Well….I guess I have to thank you at least, because Clarine has moved on from her brother completely. Now do me a favor and go back to killing people, not feeling her up.

**Saul** – Stop hoping Dorothy and Clarine will have a "hot for teacher punishment session". Or which one would top. Definitely Clarine.

**Shanna** – Master Roy is not the "swaglord". What does that even mean?

**Shin** – Yes I know it was foolish for Monke to have a Brave Sword, of all weapons. But your arrows are not helping; they're chip damage, but they keep missing and it allows him to use his Elixir, making Percival spend more time fighting him.

**Sophia** – I say "Master" to my lord to suggest title, status, and respect. When you say it, you clearly mean it in a sexual manner. Even if you're soft-spoken and formal in your speech pattern.

**Sue** – I am telling your grandfather, by the way. You just admitted your "uterus shall be the divine gift to my husband".

**Tate** – Normal people giving hickeys don't use _that_ much teeth.

**Treck** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a giraffe.

**Ward** – Don't worry, I'll have Niime turn you back from a cat.

**Wendy** – No, you don't have to dress yourself up like a man just to match what your brother is doing. Go look into that, please.

**Wolt** – Take down the massage stand.

**Yuno** – It is not recommended you sit down and start to map out wedding plans for your sister, especially when arrows are flying near your _Pegasus_!

**Zealot** – Get the Delphi Shield for your wife. She's completely distracted.

**Zeiss** – Congrats on your promotion to Wyvern Lord. This doesn't mean you fly around and scream "Yeeeeaaaaah boooooooyyyyyy!" like a total moron.


	28. Battle of Bulgar

**Alan** – Daring the enemy will not be tolerated, no matter how much you think people will not call your bluffs. May I remind you some of these Wyverns have Killer Lances? I will deliberately prohibit our healers from tending to you if you get in over your head.

**Astol** – When we broke through the gate to the city, that wasn't an invitation to start looting people's homes. Well, Igrene _would_ need maternity wear in the future….good eye I guess.

**Barth** – You have nice posture for a butler, but I told you, you are not fighting. Stop using trays as weapons. Look, you STILL missed!

**Bartre** – I don't know where you managed to find all of those tarantulas, but if they come back to infest our camp, I'm blaming you. I had no idea those sages would scream and run like little girls.

**Bors** – It's admirable that you know how to do Lady Lilina's hair every morning, but she's genuinely confused if you're just crossdressing or you have gender identification issues. ….No I'm not judging, but this army is as blunt as a hammer to the face.

**Cath** – Stop spreading rumors. The natives of Sacae do not have sexual intercourse with horses, and you will stop singing that song you wrote. What was it? "Pony"? I think you take the word "ride" too literally.

**Cecilia** – Well you certainly surprised everyone fighting in the town, including the rest of our army. Galloping through on your white mount, naked as the day you were born, casually flinging fireballs and air bursts in all directions, all the while humming Cath's ridiculous song. You are not to be the "wildcard" of this army ever again.

**Chad** – I am blaming you for giving Lugh all of that candy. Yes I know he's moving incredibly quickly, but he's also gone completely bonkers from the massive sugar high.

**Clarine** – Dorothy does not need to work on her "being captured scream". There is not an art to being a damsel in distress.

**Dieck** – Restraining that archer and moving his hand into his face repeatedly, asking "why are you hitting yourself" over and over again was extremely childish.

**Dorothy** – I would suggest biting the nomads if they get their hands on you.

**Douglas** – You are the least capable person that should attack Gel, and at close range at that. He's dodged every attack, and he's critted you three times now. Sophia's Physic staff is about to break, please stop already.

**Echidna** – Stop offering to fight Master Roy's opponents. I know you. You just want to give Lalum more and more chances to jump his bones.

**Elen** – I see no one is to ever insult the princess in your presence ever again. Because it was slightly unnerving to have you _vaporize_ someone with Divine simply for calling Princess Guinevere a whore. On the side note, Rutger has apologized to her for all of his actions.

**Elphin** – Well you certainly like to take extremes. You called Percival over in front Fa, and kissed him passionately for a good minute or so, and sent him off in a confused daze. At least she took the note….and by took the note, she's declared she'll just marry the both of you.

**Fa** – Do you even know you're saying, little one?

**Fir** – Well done, slugger. You looked so intimidating when you were about to crit that wyvern rider almost bleeding to death, then you ruined it when you _thought_ you saw one of the tarantulas, where you proceeded to scream and jump into your father's arms, sobbing. It was a _rock._

**Garrett –** We're attacking this city by our usual batshit insane methods, but we do not to get to claim the Sacae woman as our prizes.

**Geese** – Thank you for purchasing the stuff we need. Hmm? What's that? No I do not want to sell one of your new self-milking devices, because you, my idiotic friend, have been duped into a pyramid scheme by that merchant.

**Gonzales** – It was _so_ worth it to see you crit Gel with the Swordreaver.

**Hugh** – Fine. You know what? If you can kill a boss before we get to Bern, I will give you that Guiding Ring so you can finally shut up. Alright?

**Igrene** – The milking devices are for cows, so there was no need to beat Geese into near unconscious for thinking he was going to ….wait, _are they_ for cows?

**Klein** – Missing and blaming it on Wolt doesn't work remember, I took his weapons away.

**Lalum** – Garrett said he wanted to learn a trade to get out the banditry business, and while dancing is the only thing you're good for, I cannot erase the memories of him sliding up and down that pole and then twerking. _Thank you_ for that.

**Lance** – Shouting "oh my god, someone's abusing that poor animal" to shock the Sacaeans only worked the first time. And it tricked Sue and Shin too. Yay consistency?

**Lilina** – It admirable that you wish to conceive to secure the Ostian lineage, but this doesn't mean you should follow your teacher's example and strip completely to get Master Roy's attention solely on you, because you may have bitten off more than you can chew. Prepare yourself. He fights for his booty.

**Lot** – Only _you_ would get captured and dragged through the streets by ropes dangling you from five different horses. I'll get Dieck to save you.

**Lugh** – Calm down. Calm down. CALM DOWN.

**Marcus** – How did Geese get roped into that? ….he passed your exam by only one point?

**Miledy** – I think you and the other flyers should organize your time with the Delphi Shield better. Stealing it from Tate while she was busy fighting that nomad trooper nearly got her killed. I don't care if "she was two minutes past her time".

**Niime** – The Lycia Alliance Army does not participate in voodoo.

**Noah** – Alright, because I'm such a nice person…..actually no, I just don't want Fir to be dragged down. If you abandon your plans to propose to her, I will…..begrudgingly…..give you your weapons back, with Zealot overseeing you at all times. But if you do it anyway, I will tell Niime to cast every curse she can think of on you.

**Oujay** – You spelled your protest sign wrong. "Ma **ek** peace, not war". And I don't care how exhausted you get, we fight with blood and swords, not civil disobedience.

**Percival** – You are not the prince's lover now. Focus on fighting!

**Ray** – When I ask you where did you find that tome you're currently reading, the correct answer was not to look me in the eyes and ask "wouldn't _you_ like to know?" in a dark tone of voice. What are you planning?

**Roy** – Good lord how many sexual positions did you learn from your virginity being lost? Please give Lady Lilina a break or she's going to pass out, she can't take the work built for six wives!

**Rutger** – Fine, you can take Gel's Light Brand for yourself.

**Saul** – Do not let Noah or Fa come to you and ask for wedding plans. Because I will stab you in the neck, _with a knife_ , if you agree to their demands just to have fun again.

**Shanna** – Do not use Bors as a human shield for arrows, he's not a knight anymore! …or she! I really don't know which!

**Shin** – Yes we _are_ probably going to be banned from Sacae when this is over. I pray your chief doesn't try to kill us off the bat.

**Sophia** – Please investigate to what Ray is doing, I need _one_ responsible dark-magic user in this army.

**Sue** – It's not a contest. Master Roy easily has enough….for _all of you_ to be with child, and that scares the living crap out of me. His father wasn't like this….

**Tate** – Don't attack Miledy for stealing the Delphi Shield, just run!

**Treck** – You do _not_ need a vacation. You barely do enough work to get by in this army, and half of the time, you are asleep! I still prefer you to Noah, so don't ruin that now.

**Ward** – Yes, fine, you were right about General Cecilia. No we did not bet on the color of her pubic hair, I owe you nothing!

**Wendy** – How and why did you manage to get that church chorus to sing opera for us while we attacked the city? You really want your accounts to be grandiose, huh?

**Wolt** – Well at least you're doing your job. Master Roy needs his water and snacks to be revitalized.

**Yuno** – No no, you misunderstand, Master Roy married six girls, _including_ your sister. Yes she agreed to it, all of them did. They don't mind sharing. ….."That's kinda hot" is not the appropriate response.

**Zealot** – Based on the blush on her cheeks and the fact that she keeps licking her lips, I'd say Lady Yuno is "in the mood" now. Go take care of that, will you?

**Zeiss** – There is no need to justify Tate's anger by saying Miledy used to steal your toys when you two were children. You have a lot of sister issues, don't you?


	29. The Silver Wolf

**Alan** – Get away from that fighter, he has a Halberd! Yes they still hurt you, you dumbass, Paladin or not, you're still on a _horse_!

**Astol** – Give Niime your Silence staff so she can stop the Bolting mages. No, offering to dodge them all is not a better solution because you just want to show off. You forget some of us have absolutely horrific resistance and speed.

**Barth** – Stand all the way over there so the Bolting mages don't see you.

**Bartre** – We do not wrestle other Warriors as a means to defeat them, even if you are the self-proclaimed "Champ of Lycia". I'm not putting that on your tombstone.

**Bors** – Stand all the way over there so the Bolting mages don't see you.

**Cath** – Just hurry up and raid the chests for our treasure. There's no need to compete with Chad to see how many Ballista shots you can dodge. You forget neither of you are as durable or fast as Astol.

**Cecilia** – I am disappointed in you for you being the one to suffer from a Sleep. I thought Valkyies had somewhat decent resistance!

**Chad** – Don't paint a red bullseye on Cath's back when she's not looking.

**Clarine** – Dorothy is not your "ballista sponge". Neither is Rutger, Oujay, Treck, Lance, or your brother. Now go heal Astol because one arrow pierced his shoulder. Yes, _now,_ healing staffs are not just for show!

**Dayan** – Welcome to the army. Yes, your granddaughter is married, but it was her idea, not Master Roy's. ….Please stop congratulating him and offering him a drink to celebrate. He's become addicted to the female form, and alcohol will only make it worse.

**Dieck** – You were not Berserked; this army does not lie and use status effects as an excuse to beat others so that you can see who can win in a fistfight. Even if Bartre wants to challenge you again.

**Dorothy** – You may not go on strike.

**Douglas** – Well done. You managed to rush the chamber when Roartz was hiding, and you gave him a beatdown so horrific, so efficient, and so powerful that he was begging us to spare his life in exchange for being a sex slave to _everyone_. ….good job smashing his head into paste. You are truly the "Great General" of Etruria.

**Echidna** – Roartz was beaten enough, you don't have to…..okay, you and your people _did_ still suffer on the Isles. Just don't take too much time urinating on what's left his corpse, we need to get going soon.

**Elen** – Sadly we don't have another Purge tome, but at least you got mileage out of it.

**Elphin** – There, was a soft-spoken mature talk with Fa really so difficult? Be glad too, we've finally killed the people responsible for your father nearly being overthrown.

**Fa** – Cheer up. You can always be the godmother of Sophia's quarter-dragon children. ….she'll have many….

**Fir** – Take off the mask, you are not the Grim Reaper and you do not harvest souls. Look to Rutger if you want to scare your foes more organically.

**Garrett** – Missing on one strike and criting on the next is starting to get cumbersome, even if it's still working. Sometimes you can't afford to miss on the first attack.

**Geese** – Well, it seems you've finally learned your lesson, but now I am DEFINTELY not trusting you with our finances anymore. Hmm…..

**Gonzales** – Saying "It's Gonzy Time" as your catchphrase was cute the first few times, but saying it with _every_ sentence makes me want to beat you with a crowbar.

**Hugh** – Fine, you can keep the money that was in Roartz's pocket so you can finally feel vindicated. I mean, it's covered in blood, guts, and urine, but hey, finders-keepers.

**Igrene** – Stop lying, morning sickness does not start now and certainly neither do the insane cravings. But if you really want candy-coated mutton with soy sauce, I'll get Dorothy to make you some.

**Klein** – You can write to your parents about Tate _after_ the war is finished, just to let you know. I say this because the ballista are all aiming at you as you're writing….

**Lalum** – It was actually sweet to see you hug Douglas after his victory. …..you're still a sexual deviant that seduced Master Roy and has no morals whatsoever, but hey, at least you love your father very much.

**Lance** – Stop comforting Alan after he almost got killed by the Halberd. It's starting to look like a poor imitation of a romance novel. Please don't rub his face, look into his eyes, and whisper "Alan-kun…." because you're starting to give people nosebleeds.

**Lilina** – I warned you. Just take a long rest until the soreness in your….orifices fades.

**Lot** – You and Ward are not to waste time playing dominoes until the rest of the group clears the enemies out. He always gives up and throws them at you when he loses.

**Lugh** – Stop trying to hit with the Berserk staff. You need a little more power to have successful hits, you're just wasting shots now. And by the way, all thrones cure it. I don't know why.

**Marcus** – Here. _You_ can be in charge of our finances, because at least you're not new to this ordeal.

**Miledy** – Yes you may have your wyvern devour the ballista users. Good luck, and have fun.

**Niime** – You may not turn Fir into a walking skeleton, even if you promise to make her "extra spooky".

**Noah** – Here you are. Uh no, I am _not_ giving you better equipment, this is what you joined with. You think I'm wasting Silver and Killer equipment on _you_?

**Oujay** – Find Saul to treat you. I'm sorry all of those ballista managed to hit, but you really shouldn't let Clarine boss you around.

**Percival** – Put the ring away, Elphin has cleared up the situation.

**Ray** – Okay, your smirk is looking 10x as smug and overbearing as it usually is. You are up to something heinous, and I really really do not like that.

**Roy** – Can you put your clothes back on? Stop sitting there with your sunglasses looking all proud of yourself. My most powerful sage was reduced to a moaning, quivering mess that needs to sleep her ecstasy off. No, don't call Shanna and Sue over now! You still need to seize the throne! Stop saying you need to "seize some ass first"! _It's not clever anymore!_

**Rutger** – Even though it's a frightening thought, I must reject your idea to use the Wo Dao and Killing Edge together. Because Ward can only clean up so much blood at a time.

**Saul** – You do not have "the holiest of crosses" in your pants.

**Shanna** – Okay, it was very inappropriate to boast to your sisters about your husband's stamina…..as he was spanking your behind. "A time and place for everything" was not an expression you learned, huh?

**Shin** – Dayan doesn't need to wear the necklace you made for him, composed of various dead wyvern teeth.

**Sophia** – Stop trying to find a spell that could turn you into an actual dragon. I do not want to see if milord is depraved enough to do that. …..the pun was not intended!

**Sue** – Please find a private place for liaisons. Yes I _can_ hear your moans, you're only 20 feet away!

**Tate** – Spanking Klein was not the best way to show off at your sister, as he's confused now, and he's asking me if he should include that in his letter. To his _parents._ At least his heart is still pure.

**Treck** – Find Elen to treat you. I'm sorry all of those ballista managed to hit, but you really shouldn't let Clarine boss you around.

**Ward** – I am not going to call you "The Cleaner".

**Wendy** – Okay, do you need some therapy yourself? Because stripping completely and leaning down to hug the sore Lady Lilina was not an appropriate way to comfort your lady as she recovers, even if you just wanted to help and make her more comfortable with still being exposed. No you're not gay now like your brother, I _still_ don't know what the deal is over there. You told me you would look into that.

**Wolt** – You do _not_ spank _anyone._

**Yuno** – How starved _were_ you for sexual intercourse? Zealot is utterly exhausted now, and you really don't have to compete with your younger sister and match movements with your husbands.

**Zealot** – Better take another shot of cayenne pepper. You're not done yet, buddy.

**Zeiss** – Next time, you don't tempt fate and dismiss any users that have a Killer Ballista. They can still crit, and they still _hurt_. Go find a healer immediately before your wyvern dies.


	30. The Bow of Winds

**Alan** – You truly underestimate the power of gates and their protection, even though you've been around for over 20 of them now! Throwing Javelins at a _Nomad Trooper_ is just fruitless if he has cover.

**Astol** – Just because Niime has your "prize", this doesn't mean you take a Sleep staff instead and whack people with it. The "Sleep" is for a regular nap, not to be passed out unconscious with a bleeding head!

**Barth** – When Lady Lilina inquires that she needs medical aid for her…..periods, you are to assist her, not panic and beg for Wendy to help you. Good lord you suck at this butler gig.

**Bartre** – Cease your plans to have a wrestling tournament with Dieck, Dayan, Echidna, Garrett, Marcus, and Gonzales.

**Bors** – Please, for the love of all that is holy, just tell me what you want. Do you wish to be called a woman or not?

**Cath** – It was very cruel of you to put poison in the river while those nomads' horses were stopping to get a drink. Yes I know it worked, but this army has got to stop with the animal cruelty. Kill people instead.

**Cecilia** – I _really_ hope when you advise Lady Lilina to "swallow", you're talking about medicine.

**Chad** – No I don't know why there aren't more ranged swords. Just go distract the nomads and let some Hand Axe users catch them off guard.

**Clarine** – Using Rutger as "your secret weapon" is efficient, but he can't be in two places at once, and you really should build up your anima rank.

**Dayan** – Goodness you're excellent at slaughtering wyverns! Remind me to make you be front and center during the march on Bern.

**Dieck** – Put your pants back on, we're not doing the wrestling idea. …..oh you just want to fornicate with Echidna instead, right. Lord knows you haven't done enough of _that_ already.

**Dorothy** – Fine. Considering Wolt is Wolt, Bors doesn't want payment, and Barth is abysmal at this, I will give you a raise for your services.

**Douglas** – The Brave Lance fits you because it allows you to double foes despite your low speed. It doesn't _literally_ make you braver. You can stop fighting druids with your bare hands, because that is suicide, you fool.

**Echidna** – Well clearly I underestimate how skilled you Heroes are. You and Dieck managed to make every Hand Axe hit despite both of you…..oh gods, that's disgusting! Find a private area, please!

**Elen** – You may not borrow a defeated nomad's horse to take Princess Guinevere on a romantic ride. You don't know how to ride them.

**Elphin** – Is it too late to ask Lord Pent to return to his position?

**Fa** – Don't you find the irony in you, a literal dragon, keeping some loose wyverns as your own personal pets? _Irony_. I-R-O-N-I am not doing this _three_ times!

**Fir** – There's no point in sparring with Noah to improve your skills, you are much more skilled than he is. Like seriously. Please. Can't you go hang out with uh…..Gonzales or someone else? ….No?

**Garrett** – Serves you right to when you got critted by a Short Bow. People always underestimate those. Go find a healer.

**Geese** \- …I suppose I can give you an axe to try fighting again, considering we're up against Bern after this….

**Gonzales** – You are now Geese's teacher. Make sure he hits _everything._

**Hugh** \- …..I can't believe it. You managed to sneak in a hit on one of the bosses on the huts. And it was a Nomad Trooper, known for that lackluster resistance. …..it was the finishing blow…..just take the Guiding Ring before I change my mind. You're lucky I liked your father.

**Igrene** – Where did you find that ballista?! Well I applaud you for stopping those wyverns and attacking the bosses from afar, but you'd better run. Percival and Miledy have done horrible things to those who wield one.

**Klein** – Well done in dodging those Silence hits, but you forget you are not a magic user. They were aiming for Lugh, who was next to you.

**Lalum** – It is nice that you wish to motivate everyone as they're fighting with cheers, but you will take off the g-string and wire-thin bikini top _right now_ , and put regular clothes on, or else Master Roy will drop everything he's doing to – oh come on, milord! Are you trying to impregnate _every_ wife?!

**Lance** – Using two swords at once does not speed up weapon rank. You are uncoordinated with them, there is a reason why units only wield one weapon at a time!

**Lilina** – Are you better? Well rested? Good. Go kill that Nomad Trooper, he's attacking my cart.

**Lot** – If you and Ward don't piss me off between now and when we enter Bern, I might consider giving you your weapons back. ….oh don't act too good for that now, do you really want to be known in the history books as the man that cleaned up poop and got everything stolen by thieves?

**Lugh** – When you get Silenced, you're only silenced in using magic. Stop acting like a mime and talk to people when they talk to you.

**Marcus** – It was not appropriate to rank everyone in terms of overall contribution to the war effort and dole out allowances in that way. Clarine and Cath demand more, Lady Lilina doesn't feel as if she deserves _that_ much, and while I certainly agree, handing Lot and Ward a bag of dirt was pretty insulting.

**Miledy** – Cease your attacks on Igrene. She's pregnant. Well it's fine that _you_ "don't care, ballista users are scum", but her unborn child _would._

**Niime** – I am impressed you actually managed to hit someone with an Eclipse, but it was not appropriate for you to Physic them up and say "it'd be a waste to have _that_ do you in, I'm feeling generous". We do not heal our foes, even if you're making a point on bad a spell is. We get it. _Eclipse sucks._

**Noah** – If you call Fir your "sexy sempai" one more time, I will strangle you.

**Oujay** – I know you have family at home that you need to feed. I'll ask Marcus to slide you some extra funds, since you've been consistent this entire adventure.

**Percival** – Drop the Killer Lance, Igrene is on our side.

**Ray** – ….where did you go?

**Roy** – Good lord do you carb-load before each coupling? How does a 15 year old twist and bend that way? At least Lalum looks to be in heaven, and it's not like _she_ fights, but….seriously, milord. Bern is close by, and we really need to find the Miurge. We have six huts to seize, please hurry!

**Rutger** – Using Clarine as your "secret weapon" did not work in the way you thought it would. She's been yelling and insulting that poor nomad for a half-hour now, and he's actually close to crying.

**Saul** – Don't high-five Dieck while he's doing that disgusting act in the open, you bastard.

**Shanna** – Nice job dodging the Sleep charge. I mean that sarcastically. Have fun sleeping in the river. I'll go get Elen….

**Shin** – If you and Sue have this wyvern killing competition, I seriously think Elibe's wyvern population will be completely wiped out.

**Sophia** – Where did Ray go?...and please tell me he's not going to do something….horrific.

**Sue** – I repeat what I said to Shin. Especially if you both use Killer Bows.

**Tate** – This army needs to learn to stop getting distracted with gloating and/or yelling at their own comrades. Enjoy the nap next to your sister.

**Treck** – No Knight's Crests for you I'm afraid, I haven't found others. Besides, I told you why you're not getting one.

**Ward** – Yes you'll get more money if you are allowed to fight again. Do not make me regret this, or else you'll be wyvern food.

**Wendy** – Only _you_ would give Barth a book on applying tampons. That you wrote. And drew. With stunning accuracy to the physical form. And pictures of blood. Lots and lots of blood.

**Wolt** – I _know_ what Dieck and Echidna are doing. You don't have to say "the funniest number", I am well aware of what it is.

**Yuno** – You cannot do the Triangle Attack if your sisters are fast asleep. Wait a moment before trying again, and please rescue them before the nomads slaughter them.

**Zealot** – You've earned that long nap.

**Zeiss** – _Thank you_ for seizing the hut yourself. Not only was it the wrong one, it summoned reinforcements. We're going to be here all day….


	31. The Shrine of Seals

**Attention all: Please do not panic. Just focus on fighting Bern's army. I will sort out this mess, try to ignore the mass of demons and other Hellfolk moving about the battlefield. ...on second thought, just fight anything not on our side.**

**To General Murdock:** This is your only warning. Either your army surrenders and lets us access the Shine of Seals, or…..well, it is _not_ going to be a pleasant day for you.

**Alan** – Wyrmslayers are effective against wyverns, but it also has a weapon triangle disadvantage. Please use some axes to switch things up.

**Astol** – If you keep smiling and saying "what a great day!" while horrific things happen in the battlefield around us, I will smack you with your own Sleep staff. Either shut up, or fight.

**Barth** – Here, take your weapons for this battle. Why not, no need to have vulnerable people just sitting around at a time like this. Plus you're the worst butler in existence.

**Bartre** – This is absolutely _not_ a "normal day in Elibe". Are you out of your goddamn mind? Have you truly taken one too many hits to the face?

**Bors** – You're sure you still want to be viewed as a man? Because I won't tolerate accusations that I wasn't trying to be polite with this.

**Cath** – You will cease making deals with the Seven Sins of Hell. You _really_ want to ally with Envy and Wrath? On the flip side, Greed and you will get along nicely. ….well it's not because you're _generous,_ now is it?

**Cecilia** – Just take all of the Aircaliburs so we can bull through this squad quicker. There is no point in wasting Fire tomes on wyvern riders, _Mage General_ of Etruria.

**Chad** – No, you may not keep those hell hounds as your personal pets. Stop trying to teach them tricks, they are designed to rip people's faces off. Either sic them on Bern's army, or I will have someone kill them.

**Clarine** – Well it was certainly jaw-dropping when those pack of demons vowed to serve you when you yelled at one for not looking where it was going. It is _not_ a complement to be literally thought of as the Mistress of the Damned, thought.

**Dayan** – Yes you _are_ lucky these things aren't attacking Sacae.

**Dieck** – Just because we have succubi running around seducing people, that was not a challenge to see how many you personally could bed before the day is done.

**Dorothy** – Give me a cup of tea _right now._ Spike it with the strongest alcohol you can find.

**Douglas** – Yes you _are_ lucky these things aren't attacking Etruria.

**Echidna** – Just because we have incubi running around seducing people, this was not a challenge to see how many you personally could bed before the day is done.

**Elen** – I really think you should sit this battle out. You're starting to stammer and babble like a loon because you either vaporize anything you see in your path, stop to sob, or laugh manically. Your mind is about to break.

**Elphin** – It is useless suggesting battle plans to demons. They will ignore you and stab the nearest target….be it with actual sword or their flesh sword. On that note, please hide and get Fa away. One of them has explicitly said "a manakete is fine too".

**Fa** – For all that is holy _, I implore you,_ please do not fight in this battle. Children are not meant to see these horrors, even if you're the oldest one here. Plus your dragonstone could break, so….there's that too.

**Fir** – Focus on chopping up the wyverns _and_ the beasts from Hell. At least you can dodge things with amazing precision.

**Garrett** – Oh sure, just drop your axe and forego battle, opting to have sex with some succubi instead. ….I was being sarcastic! You are not as skilled as Dieck to have the luxury of doing that and still kill people in the process! And you didn't even bring a Hand Axe! What? _It is not original to call your penis a hand axe!_

**Geese** – I gave the Brave Axe to Bartre, so take some Silver Axes. ….no, you may not refuse and want Iron equipment instead because "my hand kinda hurts". Your body will "kinda hurt" if you don't help with this demon-killing/wyvern-killing.

**Gonzales** – Here's the Halberd. The Paladin marches are that way. _Just keep hitting until there's nothing left to hit._

**Hugh** – As a Sage, you're supposed to fight and heal. If you keep thrusting the air and making "whoo!" sounds everytime you kill something, I will have Niime do horrible things to you. _Stop being an idiot and fight properly._

**Igrene** – Well it seems the threat of the damned and massive blood/gore makes you incredibly sharp-shooting. Rack up more crits, please.

**Klein** – So what if that succubi looks like your mother? I don't care if it looked like _my_ mother! Either kill it or I'll have Wolt take your equipment _. Wolt._ No punishment is worse.

**Lalum** – You are taking this demonic theme far too inappropriately. This was a horrific mistake that's only making the battlefield more chaotic. Put your clothes on, take off the collar, and make Master Roy get rid of your leash. Only you would volunteer to be his personal "love slave" while he charges through the battlefield.

**Lance -** Wyrmslayers are effective against wyverns, but it also has a weapon triangle disadvantage. Please use some axes to switch things up.

**Lilina** – No you may not join Lalum, she can't fight otherwise. Stick close to Master Roy and nuke _anyone_ that gets in your way.

**Lot** – See what happens? I let you fight again, and you get captured and put into slavery by a demon. ….ugh. Well, when a master tells you to punch yourself in the face until you pass out, you do it, especially when said master can rip your throat with ease.

**Lugh** – _Where is your brother?_

**Marcus** – Now is not the time to sell all the worn-out equipment I have in my cart. ….actually, you know what, go ahead. I've got more important things to still care about.

**Miledy** – I'm sorry, we have to move on. Gale and his squad were showing mercy to you and Zeiss by not attacking you two, but that only meant the rest of the non-Bern combatants could kill them instead. You may bury him when the battle is over.

**Niime** – You taught this to Ray, didn't you? Oh don't you dare play innocent, you hag!

**Noah** – Stop wasting time cheering for Fir. Get rid of the signs, put away the foam finger, and for the love of the god, kill something or I _will rip your spine like a twig._

**Oujay** – Please try to resist the temptations of succubi. They look beautiful and have a large chest, but they also eat souls. "But I love breasts" is not the correct response to my warnings, and wipe the drool from your lips.

**Percival** – And yet you still shrug and continue your murder march. You are the hero of this war, I don't care what anyone says.

**Ray** – And _you_ are the villain of the war. Silly me thinking Lalum and Noah were the worst of the worse. Nonono, it's y _ou_. You summoned this portal to Hell and released all of these creatures. While it's working to combat Bern's sheer numbers, they are also attacking us, giving everyone more work to do. I told you no summons from the beginning, and while you are too powerful now for me to punish you conventionally, _I will make sure you pay for this._

**Roy** \- ….I have no words, milord. No words for you charging through the battlefield, cutting our foes down with stunning precision and accuracy, using a captured Hell beast to fight mounts, stopping every so often to tongue kiss a wife or smack their rear, all while chanting "For the Glory of Lycia!". You…..you truly are our boy.

**Rutger** – You may not keep the legion of demons that think you're Satan's actual son and have bowed down to serve you.

**Saul** – Since Elen has gone insane, I insist you stop her from misusing her light magic. …..stop fondling that succubus!

**Shanna** – Every time you say "well that's the last of them", more wyverns keep coming. _Stop_ saying that, for the love of god.

**Shin** – Please clean yourself up every once in a while. You've killed dozens of wyverns, but the blood has completely soaked every inch of your body.

**Sophia** – Find a way to close up the portal, I'm _begging_ you. No you may not do it after you ride Master Roy, that's just Lust's influence on you. It's standing a few yards away, next to Sue.

**Sue** \- Oh stop with the sighs and coos. I know Master Roy is currently being a badass, but you should still keep fighting.

**Tate** – No this is not Lycia's plan to conquer the planet. Yes I know Ray comes from a Lycian family, and a highly magical one at that, but I swear, he's just a total sociopath.

**Treck** – You should not be proud of the fact that the demon refused to kill you, saying "his life is already pretty miserable".

**Ward** – Well I guess you are a literal fuckboi now.

**Wendy** – You may not include this battle in your report. I want all instances of this to die after our victory. No one shall _ever_ talk about this again.

**Wolt** – Sorry Klein is getting sharper again with his shots, so no bow for you. …..hahahaha if you're not getting it _now_ , you're not going to get it later. "That's what she said" is not a mature response. This is exactly why you were the first one to be a butler.

**Yodel** – Welcome to the army. I suggest you use the Holy Maiden to heal everyone so we can pull through and defeat Bern. I will explain this madness another day. Or never.

**Yuno** – Clever getting the Knight's Crest from that village….oh, are you sure you want Treck to get it? I mean…..oh fine.

**Zealot** – Yes you _do_ deserve a vacation from this madness. Me too.

**Zeiss** – You can stop with the tributes to Gale now. We need to get to the shrine and kill the rest of these demons, not jumping into a 30 page speech and bagpipe solo.


	32. The Silencing Darkness

**Alan** – Well, it seems your resistance has increased diddly squat since our obtaining of the Forblaze. Fenrir _hurts,_ you know. Go find a healer immediately- _no don't try to javelin that druid!_

**Astol** – When you open a chest to reveal an attacking manakete, there's no point in slamming it shut with a rock and applying vigorous amounts of tape. Their flames can burn through it.

**Barth** – Give me those weapons back right now. How do you get _quintupled_ by an archer?

**Bartre** – Stop making up stories. Yes we did travel to the Shine all of those years ago, but we did not find a zombie army and the ghost of Brammond leading them. Yes you _were_ drunk when you "thought" that happened.

**Bors** – No, you may not use dead demon hide to make a sweater. You really should stop knitting those, because man or woman, _you suck at making them._

**Cath** – We are not going to sell those demon testicles on the black market. _None_ of the 27 you managed to collect.

**Cecilia** – I appreciate you wanting to help, but the Torch staff is really not needed. We have three thieves and plenty of actual torches. Will you _stop_ with these amateur Valkyrie displays? Go Physic or Silence something.

**Chad** – Here. You take all of Ray's staffs. I don't care what you do with them, just make sure he never gets to use one ever again. I will pay you handsomely.

**Clarine** – This is NOT the cave where "maidens go to lose their innocence". And even it was, what does it matter? You are definitely NOT innocent, by any stretch of the imagination.

**Dayan** – You may not make Master Roy an honorary member of the Kutolah clan, even if he killed many wyvern riders and married your granddaughter. No, it's not because I'm not proud of him, it's because if he gets any more ego, he will try to take over the world. And knowing this army, that is actually _possible._

**Dieck** – No I wasn't counting how many succubi you were…..oh, you were being rhetorical. 32?! How do you still have a soul?

**Dorothy** – No, Bartre was mistaken. I told you, we are not going to fight zombies.

**Douglas** – No, nonononono, you _not_ fighting the boss of this chamber. I've seen you get a Flux crit to the face. Nosferatu will be _worse._

**Echidna** – Can you please not use incubi penises as swords? I don't care if you keep scoring criticals on everything, that's just tasteless. But what else would I expect from the Hero of the Western Isles at this point? No we are not adding your incubi bed/slay count to your grave.

**Elen** – Take a long nap. We will wake you when we invade Zephiel's castle.

**Elphin** – Enemies _will_ try to hit you, even if their chance of success is low. I know that archer keeps missing, but you should not tempt fate.

**Fa** – Those manaketes want to kill you, not be your friend. Close the chests!

**Fir** – Yes I know the hallway keeps shooting blades at you, only to have them to bounce off your skin. At a certain threshold, they stop damaging their target. ….Yes, it is a stupid trap.

**Garrett** – I told _you_ , you are not Dieck. I'll ask Niime to reclaim your soul from Hell.

**Geese –** Well, you did alright out there. I suggest staying next to Gonzales from now until we win this war, or else your weapons will be taken again.

**Gonzales** – Only _you_ would be mighty enough to _scare_ a manakete with a roar with your own. I'm definitely giving you the Armads.

**Hugh** – We do not use the Sleep staff to take catnaps.

**Igrene** – I'm afraid you're mistaken. Silver Bows are actually lighter than Steel Bows.

**Klein** – Hmm….well, I would definitely say your skill is equal to your mother's in her prime, but Clarine has a _long_ way to go before she's like Lord Pent. Cecilia too. Yes, I know she already has your father's position. Did you not see her using _Fire_ on _Wyvern Lords_?

**Lalum** – For once I have to reprimand you on an issue that doesn't involve stripping, sex, nudity, or some combination of the above. Your cooking, while having a good presentation, is absolutely disgusting. Why you ask? Last time I checked, chicken soup does not have the color of _moss._

**Lance** – Killing Edges won't have their owners killed. You're thinking of Devil weapons.

**Lilina** – Even though Pereth had a weapon triangle advantage on you, you still managed to double _and_ crit him. Well done.

**Lot** – Are you sure you want to keep fighting? That demon did some pretty harsh stuff to you.

**Lugh** – Here's all of your brother's tomes. _Burn them to cinders_.

**Marcus** – I am entrusting you for the punishment I made for Ray. Go on.

**Miledy** – Yes, take all of the time you need to bury Gale. We can search for the Apocalypse tome in the meantime.

**Niime** – You see what happens when the young get too many crazy ideas? Now go get Garrett's soul back already. Yes, I don't like him either, but he's been tame compared to the other sociopaths in this army.

**Noah** – No promotions. I am not repeating this.

**Oujay** – You are mistaken. Lalum is not your secret sister, stop listening to Cath.

**Percival** – Yes, you may clear out the entire western half of the chamber. Here's some Javelins and Hand Axes. Go nuts.

**Ray** – You think you're so clever, do you? Well, you'll be living with the humiliation of Marcus spanking you for a very long time. Go ahead. Chad and Lugh got rid of your weapons, you menace, and I'm entrusting Sophia to watch over you until Bern is defeated. You deserve all this and more.

**Roy** – When you pulled the Sword of Seals from the shrine, it was inappropriate to swing it around and make laser sounds.

**Rutger** – I told you to get rid of the demons. While it'd be karmic justice to have them maul Zephiel's face, I cannot support the idea of the Lycia Alliance Army using the damned.

**Saul –** How do _you_ still have a soul? …..You really think I'm buying the "I'm a priest" excuse?

**Shanna** – I don't care if it made everyone laugh, do not say "wow! It looks so much bigger in the light!" when Master Roy holds up the Sword of Seals.

**Shin** – They may be of the same type, but using the Brave Bow against a Brave Sword isn't a good match-up. One of you will always move to get an opening.

**Sophia** – I don't care if you have to chain him up to a rock, do not let Ray out of your sight. …fine, you can have breaks to be with Master Roy.

**Sue** – Grab Fa before she gets herself killed out there.

**Tate** – Clarine is just overreacting as usual. Put the pepper spray down.

**Treck** – Congrats on your promotion to Paladin. I want you to rub it as hard as you can in Noah's face, even if you don't mean it. …..what? Really, a nap _now?_

**Ward** – It is a not good idea to try to blind your other eye just to improve your other senses. That is an urban myth. You're already uncoordinated enough as is!

**Wendy** – I thought I got rid of your zombie weapons, how did you get a mace?

**Wolt** – When Master Roy pulled the Sword of Seals out, that wasn't an excuse to start vocalizing to imitate a choir. You forget not everyone enjoys the sound of your voice. _Especially_ me.

**Yodel** – Here's the abridged version. Dorothy is sexually repressed, Saul is a total pervert, Master Roy is….prone to the easiest suggestion, this army is completely insane, and I'm going to go completely bald if we don't finish this soon.

**Yuno** – Now is not the time to ask your husband if he wants another child. He's barely been with the first one, I'm afraid.

**Zealot** – I think your hair is going to get greyer than mine will.

**Zeiss** \- Yes, take all of the time you need to bury Gale. We can search for the Apocalypse tome in the meantime.


	33. The Never-Ending Dream

**To King Zephiel** – Don't bother sending reinforcements. You have no idea how many Bern soldiers this army has killed these past few days. Their bloodlust is FAR from over.

**Alan** – We are not repeating what happened in Castle Ostia, as you know even less about Bern's castles. Do not lead the pack. Rescue those who do not have mounts to make us move quicker.

**Astol** – I would really prefer you go loot the chests in Zephiel's castle, opposed to drawing endless…naked woman with penises. That is extremely disturbing, no matter how funny you think it is.

**Barth** – Since I don't trust you to do _anything_ at this point, you may hold down one of the switches to Zephiel's throne room.

**Bartre** – Put the bombs away. It's not that I don't support the idea of blowing this castle to cinders, I don't trust _you_ making _explosives._ It's a miracle Echidna didn't blow us up with hers before.

**Bors** – I'd say your hair is a forest green, not olive.

**Cath** – Must you really streak through the halls?

**Cecilia** – That's it, I am writing a letter to King Mordred when this is over. You're a…..fine wife to Master Roy I suppose, but each mission I get more and more skeptical about your position. How did all of those Berserk charges hit you? How did all of the Silence charges hit you?!

**Chad** – Cease your attempts to train those children to act like wolverines to attack and eat Zephiel. I cannot believe such a sentence came out of my mouth.

**Clarine** – We are going to kill Zephiel on the charge of starting war, killing thousands, seizing Ilia and Sacae, and reviving the Dragons to this world. Not because you find his castle to be "extremely tacky and unbecoming of a king".

**Dayan** – Now is not the time to teach Gonzales about the weapon triangle. I've seen what he can do. He's killed plenty of swordsmen without trying, just ask Gel. Oh wait….you _can't._

**Dieck** – No we're not doing the demon thing again. Put the facepaint away.

**Dorothy** – You know far too much about what Astol is drawing. Don't tell me you still have some of your porn you made with Clarine lying around?

**Douglas** – I really wish we could rescue you, because you are taking too long to get through these halls. Go take care of that hero guarding the switch.

**Echidna** – Physic-using enemies are extremely annoying when they can heal anyone from across the room. So when you broke down that wall and choked that druid to death with your bare hands, you saved all of us a lot of pain and misery. I thank you.

**Elen** – Pleasure to see you….somewhat sane again. But we're invading this castle to end Zephiel, not because we're visiting the home of Princess Guinevere. There was no need to tell all of us to remove our shoes. Ward has god-awful foot odor.

**Elphin** – While it would be funny to have Zephiel rip his ears out and surrender in a panic, I don't want us to sing horribly and off-key until everyone in the castle either leaves or commits suicide. You know I hate when people sing in this army.

**Fa** – Do not play catch with hand axes.

**Fir** – Yes, it is annoying Light Brands these days can only do a fixed damage from afar. Just have someone else focus on the Bishops in the alcoves. They'll only heal themselves endlessly.

**Garrett** – Have your soul back? Good. I'd suggest going to a church just to be safe, but the only person who's truly still in the good eyes of the lord is Yodel, but we'll see how long that lasts.

**Geese** – No, no, no! Stop missing against snipers and druids! You're lucky Cecilia is at least competent at healing people.

**Gonzales** – Hey. Go rip the heads off those bishops. We'll see how long they can heal their allies….

**Hugh** – No Yodel is not your grandfather. Where on earth did you get that idea from?

**Igrene** – Yes those armored knights _are_ out of place on this mission, because they're so weak compared to the berserkers, druids, snipers, heroes, and manaketes. Case in point, you killed them with _one_ arrow.

**Klein** – It's alright if you miss every once in a while _now_ , because I don't have to deal with rampaging demons. So don't worry about me demoting you…..well, the war isn't done yet. Keep that in mind.

**Lalum** – So _what_ if you can cartwheel? Just dance for us and focus on other things.

**Lance** – There is no such thing as "Magic Paladins", and you will not have control over a fourth type of weapon. You're still better than Alan, but even _I_ have to stop you at this juncture.

**Lilina** – At this rate I might have _you_ fight Zephiel, but Master Roy is doing well too.

**Lot** – Block that staircase so we don't get thieves, because your PTSD is starting to become a hindrance. I'll refer you to my therapist.

**Lugh** – I'm glad you were so giddy on finally landing a status aliment, but Silence is completely worthless on heroes.

**Marcus** – Your "Jeigan pupils" are all busy fighting; they do not have time to evaluate you and send the comments to Lord Eliwood as part of your last assignment to Pherae.

**Miledy** – There was no need to rush to Princess Guinevere's quarters to tidy up. We're not going to be….SAUL! Get out of there!

**Niime** – No one is interested to know that you and Yodel once had a relationship. And we are _definitely_ not interested in knowing the details of your sexual history with him. "I was a good catch" is not erasing the mental images.

**Noah** – Let me explain something to you. Master Roy has "wives", which are women that are loyal and are married, engaging in martial activities. To you, Fir is a "waifu", which sounds like wife, but it's more of a general term to describe a female that one is extremely fond of and subconsciously, would not mind being married to. Also you're still creepy.

**Oujay** – Hand Axes cannot attack at the same range a Long Bow can. Stop trying to kill that sniper, because we're going to be here all day if you do.

**Percival** – You, Gonzales, Lilina, and Rutger had to have killed the most people in this war. It's a shame I only had the idea to make Wendy start counting late into the campaign.

**Ray** – Go watch paint dry or something, the rest of us are busy fighting and not summoning the damned.

**Roy** – It makes sense for you to battle Zephiel with the Sword of Seals, but when you begin a speech about how awesome you are and how you're going to avenge everyone that his forces have killed, it's important you stick to the lines and not ad-lib. "Prepare your Esch…Ex…lightning sword thingy" sounds like you just woke up to the battle.

**Rutger** – I don't know if the phrase "my edge level has reached maximum power!" is supposed to be acknowledging of how ridiculous "edgy" is as an adjective, or you really truly believe what you're saying. Just go cut some Bern soldiers to pieces.

**Saul** – I'll tell Miledy you're rummaging around in Princess Guinevere's bedroom. She does not have dildos, vibrators, erotic fanfiction, naked pictures of herself, or pictures of her having intercourse with Elen and Miledy. I _still_ can't believe you kept your soul.

**Shanna** – It is absolutely _not_ a good idea for Master Roy to grow a neckbeard.

**Shin** – They're called "futanaris". Ask Dorothy if you truly wish to know more. I do not recommend it.

**Sophia** – Make sure Cecilia stops getting affected with status conditions. One sister-wife to watch over another.

**Sue** – I understand you love horses, but I am not interested in the characters you've created in your journal. Something about a "mane six" and "Equestria"?

**Tate** – Now is not the time to prepare your introductions to Lord Pent and Lady Louise when the war ends. At least your relationship with Klein is…. _somewha_ t normal.

**Treck** – Considering you somehow keep scoring Javelin crits, help Gonzales with those annoying Bishops.

**Ward** – Get your disgusting feet away from me, and go hold down the other switch.

**Wendy** – Do not interview defeated enemies just to cement their loss and our superiority. Especially when they're missing eyeballs.

**Wolt** – Uhh….go block the other staircase, I guess. No you are not getting Klein's weapons, I don't care if he misses the next 100 shots. Even then, you forget Dorothy was still more skilled than you.

**Yodel** – Stop panicking just because you didn't use protection with Niime all of those years ago. Saul has done far worse, mind you, and if Canas is/was truly your son…..well, you still have family around.

**Yuno** – A Silver-Killer Lance hybrid weapon sounds magnificent, but it also sounds very overpowered.

**Zealot** – I suggest you sit down with Noah and teach him _something_ about girls, because I'm somewhat worried Fir is going to wind up in a dungeon of some sort.

**Zeiss** – Zephiel was right to use his sword to vaporize the flowers you were holding out. Why are you still trying to make parallels with Miledy? I think Gale's death hit you harder than your sister did. Did you even have a significant other when you were younger?


	34. The Ghosts of Bern

**Alan** – Stop whooping and swinging your shirt around. We still need to defeat the last of Bern's army and the Dark Priestess.

**Astol** – "Busty Brenya" will catch on as a nickname, but that'll only make her more determined to kill us.

**Barth** – Go…..I don't know, count rocks or something.

**Bartre** – When you and Fir found Karel in that village, that wasn't an excuse to swing him, me, and Marcus around and declare ourselves to be the "Rat Pack". Just because we're the only ones left that adventured with Lord Hector, Lord Eliwood, and Lady Lyndis all those years ago? I don't look like a rat, thank you very much!

**Bors** – If you honestly must know, you were definitely more useful than Barth in combat, and definitely more useful than Wendy in non-battle affairs. Your sweater still gave me a painful rash, though.

**Cath** – I don't care how awesome you secretly think he is, Bartre will not be your new father. …..put the puppy dog eyes away.

**Cecilia** – _Finally_ you managed to sleep someone, but doing to the ballistaman out of shots was a total waste of time. Congrats though.

**Chad** – Bern's army is not going to repopulate themselves by mating with wyverns. I….what?! How many people in this army need an anatomy lesson?

**Clarine** – I fully support your new goal to be the next Mage General. Your family gets things _done._ Unfortunately, I have chosen someone else to use the anima divine tome.

**Dayan** – I suppose you, Sue, and Shin _can_ make pelts out of the wyvern corpses as proof of our future victory, but even I'm starting to feel bad for Bern's forces now. They foolishly didn't surrender when Master Roy gave them the chance.

**Dieck** – Why are you hiding?

**Dorothy** – I'm glad Clarine invited you to Etruria to complete your refinement as a lady when this is over. ….the two of you are just going to make more porn, aren't you?

**Douglas** – No, you will NOT fight Brenya. You already fought Murdock. She will destroy you with her Bolting spell. Are you just deaf when I say to find someone with Barrier or drink a Pure Water?

**Echidna** – Hahahahahahahaha. Well, don't blame me, you two should've been using protection all of this time. Congrats though.

**Elen** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Aureola tome to you. Yodel isn't quite as skilled and I trust Saul as far as I can throw him. ….no, that wasn't an excuse to start rapturing people.

**Elphin** – I'm glad you decided to go back to your position when the war is over. Your father will be pleased. ….any chance you could lift our ban?

**Fa** – Oh you have another dragon friend? Her name is Kamui? Riiiight…..

**Fir** – When your uncle leapt into action, that wasn't the time to drop your jaw and fangirl over how skilled he is with the blade. You've done just as well in this war, maybe even better.

**Garrett** – No, we are not going to make peace with Brenya. Put the whiskey away.

**Geese** – Good job killing that druid! …..no, there's no point in promoting you _now_. We're almost to the Dragon Temple! …..oh my god, don't throw a temper tantrum, are you a child? Don't make me give you noogies like you said your brother used to do.

**Gonzales** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Armads axe to you. You are extremely powerful, and easily one of the strongest fighters here. …..yes you _can_ eat that wyvern if you really want to.

**Hugh** – Stop calling Yodel "Pop-Pop" and asking him for money. He's part of the clergy, for crying out loud. Your father was much more polite, you know that? I guess you get this rudeness from Niime.

**Igrene** – Be sure to get some maternity wear for Echidna. The two of you will need it.

**Karel** – Welcome to the army. I see 20 years have changed you drastically. You're more quiet, humble, and trying to correct your mistakes from the past. I also see your sword skill has _not_ changed, because you just critted nine wyverns in a row. _Nine!_

**Klein** – Tate actually managed to _propose_ to you? Well it's a good thing you accepted, because she's dangerously close to fainting.

**Lalum** – It was mildly amusing to see _you_ get Berserked, as it seems that druid did not study his magic correctly. Your slaps and pushing was a mild inconvenience at best.

**Lance** – No, I'm afraid I'm going to give the divine sword to someone else. …..who do you think? If it's not you, why would it be _Alan, Noah, or Treck?_

**Lilina** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Forblaze tome to you. Why? Are you kidding me? You've turned dragons to ash with _Fire_ , so this should be a snap. Make your father, mother, and Athos proud, child.

**Lot** – That's it, I'm getting Marcus to knock you out, because you've seriously lost it. I'm not even trying to make fun of you now, I'm genuinely concerned for your mental health.

**Lugh** – Take all of the Aircalibur tomes for our final battle. Lilina has all of the tome she needs, and Cecilia and Clarine can focus on healing.. What about Hugh, you ask? That manakete just critted _him,_ so go heal him. At least he's more durable than the four of you.

**Marcus** – Take off the sunglasses and tropical shirt, you're not retiring until we win this damn thing.

**Miledy** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Malte spear to you. Now go, there's some ballista men that I'm sure Trifinne is _dying_ to eat whole.

**Niime** – Please don't Nosferatu our allies when they anger you. You take so much health from them, they end up nearly dead!

**Noah** – Are you serious? Fir is _really_ doubting herself so much she's thinking of asking you for sword lessons again?! What is wrong with that girl? I give up, you win. Do whatever you want, but remember…..any funny business? Her uncle was once known as the "Sword Demon".

**Oujay** – Are you seriously puzzled why some of us call you "Juice"? Your name sounds like…..it's spelled 'Ogier'? That's dumb.

**Percival** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Durandal sword to you. You are the best knight I've ever seen, in fact, if you can give Alan and Lance pointers before this is over….

**Ray** – I said no. Not even Lalum, Noah and Saul _combined_ pissed me off more than what you did. But out of respect for your late mother, I suppose you can be a back-up healer for the final stretch.

**Roy** – Stop singing "We Are the Champions" and using the Sword of Seals as a marching stick.

**Rutger** – No, there is no need to seek lessons from Karel. ….he was once "edgy", but no longer. Come of think of it, maybe edginess is tied to hair length….

**Saul** \- No, we are not going to make peace with Brenya. Put the condoms away.

**Shanna** – You are _never_ allowed to say the following words or phrases ever again: box, cream pie, pearl necklace, donkey punch, baby batter, third arm, pee-pee, choking the monkey, fudge packing, moist, and girth.

**Shin** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Miurge bow to you. Now stop drawing that futanari before I give this to _Wolt._

**Sophia** – After some thought, I have decided to entrust the Apocalypse tome to you. Ray shall never again pick up a dark tome in my presence, and I do not trust Niime. Now please stop testing the spell, because all of these black holes are starting to contort the atmosphere.

**Sue** – Friendship is not _literally_ magic.

**Tate** – Breathe, breathe. You can make wedding plans when we win this war, okay? Focus, because I need at least one flyer to not be _completely_ out of their minds.

**Treck** – I will do very bad things to you if you make a collaboration with Dorothy, Clarine, Shin, and Astol. The potential pornographic novels would scar the entire world.

**Ward** – You see? That's what you get for saying Niime is as old as the dinosaurs.

**Wendy** – We haven't fought the dragons yet. Don't write "Lady Lilina killed every one by herself, because she's so awesome". That's certainly possible, but others are just as valuable.

**Wolt** – Stop trying to poison my tea. I told you from the very beginning, you are _never_ going to take my position.

**Yodel** – Put your gold away, you do not owe Niime decades worth of child support.

**Yuno** – Wash your sister's mouth out with soap.

**Zealot** – Now is not the time to request a bonus for your contract. I know you're fighting with your family, but I'd have to pay such to Dieck, Treck, Shanna….. _Noah, Lot, Ward, Hugh_ ….

**Zeiss** – "But I really wanted it" is not a valid excuse to get the Malte. Your sister is more skilled, so stop it already.


	35. The Truth of the Legend

**Alan** – Any weapon that is not Silver is just wasting time on the dragons. Their defense is absurdly high. You can't do damage with Steel weapons, no matter how many times you feel the need to do a "ready dance".

**Astol** – It is not appreciated to trick manaketes into attacking other people, even if they operate on base fighting instinct. We're all on the same team…..sadly.

**Barth** – Uhhh…..go guard the exit for us, in case we get thieves. What's that? You don't see any treasure to steal? Nonsense! It's aaaaallll the waaaaaay over there, AKA not traveling distance for an armored knight.

**Bartre** – Fight these dragons with your best weapons, not your bare hands. I hate having to keep _repeating_ this to muscle-bound fools like you.

**Bors** – I'm pretty sure I don't need your assistance in this. Gonzales is tankier than you at this point, and he's not wearing a shirt!

**Cath** – Go ahead, if you really want to steal vulneraries from these enemies, be my guest. I'll have Ward bury your charred corpse.

**Cecilia** – Berserk on a manakete would be useful, but it could also backfire horribly in our faces. Put the staff away.

**Chad** – We are not going to use dead manakete bodies to make dragon soup.

**Clarine** – No, manaketes don't need to put on clothing when they transform, because they're _dragons._ Stop demanding they put on a pair of pants, and stop threatening to sue them for "public indecency". Half of this army has been publically indecent!

**Dayan** – At least you can do chip damage with the Brave Bow.

**Dieck** – You're an amoral, shameless mercenary that's been sex-crazed since we started this adventure. But by god you've been very useful. Here, have a bonus…..you father to be, you.

**Dorothy** – Don't you dare try to jump Saul's bones now. This pregnancy craze is not a contest.

**Douglas** – At least you're pretty tanky. Go block Lalum and Elphin from getting hit.

**Echidna** – I'm glad you decided to keep the baby (you would've had Elen to deal with if not), but can you _stop_ beating up Dieck already? It takes two to tango, and I've seen far too many disgusting acts from you both. You made him earn his red wings, for crying out loud.

**Elen** – Keep blasting dragons until there's nothing left.

**Elphin** – Now is not the time to tell me today is your father's birthday.

**Fa** – Well done, little one. Yahn was so smug and so condescending with his stories, and he truly believed humans and dragons couldn't get along. So when you got to him, challenged him to a battle, utterly _crushed_ him, and said "nobody hurts my friends… _bitch_ " in the cutest voice possible, many of us gave you a standing ovation.

**Fir** – Three times three is nine, and that is still not enough to one shot a dragon. I see you've accepted Noah's confession and request to go out. Good luck, sister.

**Garrett** – Okay, you stop fighting now, because _three_ manaketes have managed to crit you.

**Geese** – Shrieking like a little girl and hiding behind Gonzales when your axe broke was funny, but also pathetic. This was your last chance to be worthy!

**Gonzales** – Only _you_ can take five consecutive hits before you needed a healer. Bravo.

**Hugh** – No, you _take_ the Fire and Thunder tomes, and you'll like it. Lilina and Lugh are still more useful than you, but hey, Canas would be proud of you nonetheless.

**Igrene** – I think your support of Fa helped her to win. It's good to think she'll have a child to play with in the future.

**Karel** – At least your dodginess has not faded, but it's still risky for you to….okay never mind, you just _quadrupled_ that manakete…without a Brave Sword?

**Klein** – Now is not the time to request leave to get Tate an engagement present. Are you _kidding_ me?

**Lalum** – "Go Lycia Alliance Army go, we can beat any foe! Who matter who fights on a pick, they'll win, and if you don't like it, you can suck our-" is NOT an appropriate cheer.

**Lance** – Go rescue Alan if he gets himself shreked.

**Lilina** – You've one-shotted _every_ manakete you fought in this chamber, and yet you still think "I really didn't contribute much". I see you've inherited Lady Florina's modesty.

**Lot** – Go in the corner and take a time-out. Okay? O-Okay?

**Lugh** – Check to see if you've killed a manakete before moving to the next one, okay? That one almost got to Elphin.

**Marcus** – You know, you still can act as a rescue bot. Stop sitting on a chair and watching your Jeigan pupils murder things.

**Miledy** – It seems even the _thought_ of having Princess Guinevere in danger makes you crit like there's no tomorrow. Keep. It. Up.

**Niime** – No, you may not Warp someone in between angry manaketes, no matter how funny you think it'd be. How about you Flux or Nosferatu our enemies instead?

**Noah** – Stop making date plans and fight, you idiot.

**Oujay** – A manakete will _not_ listen when you say "umm, can I change my weapon real quick?", because they'll try to kill you.

**Percival** – March on, you beautiful man you.

**Ray** – Stop complaining. The Tina Staff was the staff I had left in my cart, and yet you don't want to use it because it has the name of a _girl?_ It works like a Mend staff!

**Roy** – Now is not the time to give everyone sunglasses so they'll look "extra badass". You need to prepare for the battle with Idoun.

**Rutger** – No I don't know how Karel is "so awesome", but I assure you, you're just as skilled. There's no need to ask him for lessons, _especially not when we're fighting dragons!_

**Saul** – Put your robes back on and don't listen to Dorothy until this battle is done. Even if she gives you "bedroom eyes".

**Shanna** – Stop singing Lalum's cheer with her, I told you to stop saying vulgar things.

**Shin** – Oh! If only the divine bow could quadruple….you'd be _four_ times as amazing in this battle.

**Sophia** – To think, you actually do _more_ damage than Lilina does with the Forblaze. I'm utterly amazed, but maybe you can kill more things instead of whispering sweet nothings into Master Roy's ear. Must be all of the dragon auras floating around.

**Sue** – Your horse will not develop a "cutie mark". Can you just focus on fighting already?

**Tate** – The Delphi Shield does not protect flyers against _fire breath_ , only arrows.

**Treck** – Yes it _is_ a drag to navigate the narrow hallways of this chamber. I get that you want this to be done as much as I do, but you have no reason to go first, because you don't have effective weaponry!

**Ward** – Go watch over Lot. It's not like you'll be of any help in this battle.

**Wendy** – Stop lying in your reports. You can _clearly_ see other people killing dragons, yet you're only putting tallies under Lady Lilina's name. That's it, I'll write the last report myself.

**Wolt** – Master Roy will _not_ be motivated if _you_ give him a striptease. No you are not "just kidding".

**Yodel** – When people insist you use the Holy Maiden, it's only because they're too lazy to go out of their way to find a healer. Stop listening to them, because you're wasting the staff's usage.

**Yuno** – The transformed manaketes are not "cute", they're frightening.

**Zealot** – While the Javelin hits aren't doing anything, at least they're distracting the manaketes long enough for someone to kill them from behind.

**Zeiss** – You will _not_ duel Miledy for ownership for the Malte.


	36. Beyond the Darkness

**Alan** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, doing 100 push-ups won't change that.

**Astol** – Smart move getting the hell away from Idoun's minions, but that wasn't an excuse to run out of the damn temple!

**Barth** – Just…make motivational speeches, in that corner there.

**Bartre** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, that didn't mean I challenged you to an arm wrestling match.

**Bors** – Make sure Barth doesn't get in the way.

**Cath** – Do not use Gonzales as a human shield, even if he can still take absurdly high amounts of damage without needing help.

**Cecilia** – No, don't even _try_ to Sleep or Berserk Idoun.

**Chad** – Do not use Lilina as a human shield, even if she can destroy the dragons before they get close to you.

**Clarine** – Are you kidding me? You pick _now_ to debate whether or not you jump into Klein's or Rutger's arms in fear?

**Dayan** – Now every bow except the Miruge does nothing to these beasts. You should fall back.

**Dieck** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, you shall not strip to fight "with no limits".

**Dorothy** – Get your tongue out of Saul's mouth this instant.

**Douglas** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, your large form is going to be a hindrance, because they _double_ you.

**Echidna** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, your hormones aren't going to be raging right now for you to shrug off major wounds in the name of protecting your child.

**Elen** – You know the drill. Vaporize away!

**Elphin** – Tell Douglas to stop fighting, _please._

**Fa** – It is tempting to have you battle Idoun, but I think Master Roy will do far better. Your dragonstone is about to break.

**Fir** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. Three times zero is still zero.

**Garrett** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. For god's sake, why do you keep getting critted?!

**Geese** – If you're going to shriek like a little girl again and run out of the temple in a panic, can you at least get Astol?

**Gonzales** – Keep attacking until everything that has scales is dead.

**Hugh** – Do not use Percival as a human shield, even if he can dodge attacks sometimes.

**Igrene** – Make sure your husband didn't skip town.

**Karel** – Huh. You can still _hurt_ these things? And you say you haven't really been training all this time? I think you're just being modest.

**Klein** – You cannot hold both Clarine _and_ Tate if they're both scared. Pick one.

**Lalum** – You are to stay _far_ back from these dragons. It's not amusing for you to taunt and insult each one, only to scream loudly and beg Master Roy to save you when they roar and try to attack you. Karma is a bitch, isn't it?

**Lance** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, a last-minute prayer isn't going to buff your strength.

**Lilina** – Continue your dragon-slaying wrath.

**Lot** \- ….just stay in that corner.

**Lugh** – You are to stay at Garrett's side and make sure he doesn't bleed out.

**Marcus** – While it _is_ discouraging to see just how much old age has zapped your former might away, I assure you, these War Dragons are _really, really_ powerful.

**Miledy** – Nice touch, painting four red lines on your face out of dragon blood. Hath no fury like a princess's wife scorned.

**Niime** – You are in charge of Physicing anybody who is injured, so stop making passes at Yodel just to see how red he can get. Please do not say "once you go grey, you'll never stray".

**Noah** – Helping Fir isn't going to do anything. Two times zero is still zero.

**Oujay** – Oh, stop writing your will and what you want your tombstone to say. You won't die if you just stay back and let the divine weapons do what they're supposed to do.

**Percival** – Continue your murder spree.

**Ray** – Yes I know you spell the word as S-I-S-S-Y, but Bors still took offense. Go apologize to him.

**Roy** – The Sword of Seals is an utterly powerful weapon, exceeding the might of all seven divine weapons. So when you defeated Idoun in only two strikes, you shouldn't took the time to do that obnoxious dance. It was the sword, not _you._

**Rutger** \- Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. Not even if you dye your hair black and face white. You look ridiculous.

**Saul** – You are not having "end of the world sex".

**Shanna** – The cheerleader costume was unexpected, but everyone can't focus if they're staring at your topless chest. Have _some_ decency for this final battle.

**Shin** – Keep at the endless killing, please.

**Sophia** – Don't even think about it anymore, just keep obliterating these dragons.

**Sue** – There's no need to be jealous of Sophia. Honestly, you were second in line to get the Miurge, but Shin was just better.

**Tate** – No, flashing your own chest at Klein isn't going to give him the extra strength to protect you from these War Dragons. He's not like Master Roy. He just fainted out of shock.

**Treck** – Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. No, this doesn't mean you should shrug and take a nap regardless.

**Ward** \- Stop trying to damage the War Dragons. They're stronger and you are not powerful enough. You are perhaps the _worst_ choice I could even think of to do this.

**Wendy** – Stop rubbing it in my face. Your zombie apocalypse weapons wouldn't matter in the end if you were to keep tripping and falling down.

**Wolt** \- Do not use Master Roy as a human shield. He has no problems with using _you_ as a shield.

**Yodel** – I'm glad you can… _.resist_ the temptation of _Niime_ , but you might want to use your hat to cover your um….."cross". It has…..risen.

**Yuno** – The triangle attack is _not_ having three pegasisters flash their breasts at the enemies while they all jump to make them bounce.

**Zealot** – Oh stop being so offended that we're staring. It's only natural your wife would have the largest bust size of her siblings. Even some dragons look impressed.

**Zeiss** – Fine, the _next_ time dragons nearly take over the world (never), you can get the Malte then. Okay?


	37. Epilogue - Where Are They Now?

**Alan** – He returned to Pherae to continue his duties of a knight. He would devote his life trying to be as great as Marcus was in his prime, but nobody was expecting that to happen.

 **Astol** – He quit his spy role at Ostia to move back to Nabata with Igrene. They have a new child, and every day is a joy for the couple. He does have a nasty habit of deliberatly going out to taunt bandits roaming around. Sources say he wants to prove Marcus's incest bandit theory.

 **Barth** – He would return as an armored knight of Ostia, and would eventually rise (somehow) to Knight Commander. Everyone could agree on one thing – he _definitely_ was an armored knight.

 **Bartre** – He would roam the lands of Lycia, helping those affected by war. He adopted Cath as a daughter and even built her new village. The people elected him as the chief, although he would create odd rules – making every male go sleeveless and subject themselves to fierce training regimens. Everyone had to grow a mustache. Even the females.

 **Bors** – Upon returning to Ostia, he would raise awareness for transgender issues and rights for those in Elibe. The reforms were welcomed, but no one could agree what orientation he really was. So they decided to call him "Borsgendered".

 **Cath** – She would live happily in her new village and with her new father, and she would reform her stealing ways. That is to say, instead of stealing from corrupt nobles, she would steal from corrupt homeless people instead.

 **Cecilia** – She would retire as the Mage General of Etruria to be with her husband Roy. She would end up having two boys, and she proved to be a calming voice in Lycia's government. The age difference between her and Roy soon became insignificant, but he would still boast he had a "cougar wife". As for the Etrurians? Their first pick was to have Lord Pent return to the position. Or rather, beg him.

 **Chad** – He gave up thieving to help Lugh start a new orphanage. It has taken in many orphans, and it grows with donations from the members of the Lycia Alliance Army. To make money, he has decided to become a cat burglar. Which is like a regular burglar, only you get to make neat cat puns and walk on ceilings.

 **Clarine** – She would eventually become the new Mage General of Etruria, pleasing every resident of the country that wanted a Reglay back for the position. She makes her parents proud with her status, and she is now engaged to Rutger. Dorothy has become her lady-in-waiting, although rumors say the two have created an escort service. Both in the regal sense and in the sexual sense.

 **Dayan** – He would return to Sacae with Shin to restart the Kutolah clan with its few survivors. The ordeal was tough, but they followed the Silver Wolf to the very end. Under his command, they have declared Roy to be their savior, and now "Pony" has ironically become their anthem. Cath demands royalties.

 **Dieck** – He would move to the Western Isles with his new wife, Echidna. The two lived a very active and successful life protecting villages from bandits, and now the youth want him to teach them his ways. Lesson #1 is remove your shirt whenever possible. He has a young girl named Knuckles. The name was his wife's idea.

 **Dorothy** – She would continue her devotion to the church (which puzzled everyone that knew her personally), and even married Saul. Her self-confidence has increased dramatically thanks to Clarine's help. It did take quite a few church officials to convince her to stop drawing futanaris, though.

 **Douglas** – He would retire as the Great General of Etruria, opting to live the rest of his days in peace and tranquility. He even penned a self-help book, but everyone wants to know the secret to his success. He claims it was the facial hair and perpetual hatred of black jelly beans.

 **Echidna** – She returned to the Western Isles, and thanks to funds and help acquired across Elibe, the village was rebuilt promptly. She would be hailed as the Hero of the West for the rest of her life, and adored her daughter. Legends say she would claim over 1000 fuckbois. She and her husband Dieck live in peace, never losing their sexual appetite for each other.

 **Elen** – She continued her work at the St. Elimine church, assisting Queen Guinevere with the rebuilding efforts of Bern and hailing over many congregations. As her love and devotion to her wife was well-known, she would be known as the "Demon Saint", as the wrath to those harmed her was _also_ well-known.

 **Elphin** – He would return as the Prince of Etruria, completely surprising his father and those who thought he had died. His efforts to remove all corruption from the nobility made him go down in history as a magnificent prince, and his kindness never faded. Rumors aren't sure who he will take as a romantic partner, but the country keeps arguing if it's Fa or Percival.

 **Fa** – She returned to Nabata and spent her days playing with the child of Igrene and Astol, but also the recovering Idoun. The elders had their hands full when it was discovered her dragon friends were _not_ imaginary, and now they have to investigate a strange dimensional portal in some ruins. These friends, known as Tiki, Nah, Nowi, Myrrh, and Kamui, like to play pranks on the citizens of Arcadia. A sixth friend, known as Kanna, created such a powerful prank that firecrackers, glue, and honey are now banned permanently from the village.

 **Fir** – She would roam the lands of Elibe as a swordmaster like her mother, striving for higher strength and worthy rivals. She has gotten some lessons from the Sword Saint, but all of those who battled her would agree on one thing – she was as cute as she was lethal. Sources say 128 people declare her as their "waifu", but her love is reserved for her father Bartre, her uncle Karel, and husband, Noah.

 **Garrett** – He would give up banditry to become an erotic dancer, thanks to motivation and teachings from Lalum. He would make a lot of money, and even used some to help rebuild villages attacked by other bandits. Everyone was shocked when it was found out he found work at a gay tavern. Lilina has forced everyone to go his engagement party to his new husband.

 **Geese** – He decided to become a traveling merchant on the high seas, rather than be a pirate. Some people have difficulty telling the difference, so everyone attacks him either way. He does have the assistance of Gonzales, Dieck, and Echidna, but his greatest foe continues to be a mischievous red-haired merchant that scammed him out of all of his savings. She even spray-painted "butt pirate" on the sides of his ship, unfortunately named the "Big Tipper" in retrospect.

 **Gonzales** – He returned to the Western Isles, where he was hailed as a hero, not a monster. He became good friends with Echidna, Dieck, and Geese, and people practically treated him as a god because of his monstrous strength. Sources say he's trying to teach children to read like him, but he keeps reading the books upside down. At least his students known how to rip a wyvern's head off and eat it, so there's that.

 **Hugh** – He would start a mercenary service to make money, although his high prices drive off potential customers. He has improved his magic enough to earn Niime's respect, but he refuses to learn dark magic from her. On the side, he works in Clarine's and Dorothy's escort service, but he keeps getting the elderly as clients. It seems Niime's motto holds true.

 **Igrene** – She continued her work as the Guardian of Nabata, and while the death of her previous child would be something she would never forget or move past, her new child eases the pain, as well as the return of her much-loved husband. Their sex life is as active as ever, attested by the awkward silences the elders sometimes give them.

 **Karel** – He would continue his peaceful life, occasionally giving pointers to Fir and Rutger. The latter wants him to grow his hair out and have some of it block an eye, but he insists those days are behind him. Sometimes he goes out drinking with Bartre, and the two of them became the broest of bros. Considering they're literally brothers-in-law, it works out well.

 **Klein** – His archery feats would become well-known in Etruria, and he would earn the respect and admiration of nearly everyone in the country. Every day he has to fight off fangirls that are obsessed with him, but Clarine and his wife Tate do a fine job on that their own. Lady Louise and Lord Pent are extremely proud of him.

 **Lalum** – As one of Roy's wives, her youthful energy and oddball behavior would unease some of the nobles, but her loyalty and devotion to her husband was well-known across the land. She would have three girls, but people had to convince her to not pass not her dancing abilities to the children of Lycia. Some say she was the one who invented the "Pherae Shake".

 **Lance** – He would ascend as the Knight Commander of the Pherae Knights. While he wasn't trying to be as well-known as Marcus, people would recognize him anyway, thanks to his humble and hard-working attitude. The masses aren't sure if he and Alan are a couple, but they have agreed they always have each other backs. Under his rulings, no knight is to ever have a name of a weapon. The squires "Axe", "Arrow", and "Magic Tome" were renamed to "Bob", "Jerry", and "Fred", respectively.

 **Lilina** – With Ostia as the largest state, she would eventually unite the entire Lycian League and become Queen. Her kindness and skill with magic were known across the world, but many bar fights have broken out on the debate of exactly _how_ cute she was. She would have a boy and a girl, and she opted to name them after her deceased parents, Hector and Florina. Her relationship with Roy and her sister-wives are as strong as ever.

 **Lot** – He moved back to the Western Isles with Ward, and the two continued to work with Dieck. He reunited with his sister, but he would become a devout member of the St. Elimine Church as a coping mechanism to deal with the demon torture he faced. Sadly he keeps getting his clothes stolen when he's out in the open, but his buddy Ward always carries a spare set.

 **Lugh** – He would teach the children in the new orphanage magic, and he even made some money teaching magic to strangers that wanted to learn. He would always put more money into making sure the orphans were well fed and maintained. His mother Nino and his father Jaffar would be proud.

 **Marcus** – He retired as a knight of Pherae, and opted to finish his memoirs. They would become a best-seller, with many squires trying to become as awesome as he once was. He insists the secrets are only to be passed from one "Jeigan" to another. Currently he is vacationing on a tropical island, with plenty of sand and sun. He can still double the bandits that try to attack him.

 **Miledy** – As the other wife to Queen Guinevere, her strength and loyalty was admired by many a knight-in-training as she worked hard to bring Bern to a new era of peace and prosperity. She has pushed through a law to allow all types of marriages, although anybody that wields a ballista in Bern is to now be executed on sight.

 **Niime** – She continued her research into the magic and dragons of years past, still known as the "Hermit in the Mountain". She rekindled her relationship with Yodel, much to the joy (if not utter surprise) of her allies. Sources say she was last seen battling the snowstorm that killed her son and his wife, and it seems she is winning.

 **Noah** – He continued his work as a mercenary in Ilia, but now his wife Fir gives him all of the support he needs to view life more positively. Many a knight-in-training have taken tips and advice from him, but they also inherited other things. Terms like "waifu 4 laifu", "kappa", "kek", and "kreygasm" are commonplace amongst his pupils, but most are completely confused and do not know what they mean. Fedoras have surged in the country as a result of his diligent efforts.

 **Oujay** – Lilina appointed him as her bodyguard, allowing him to make more money to support his family. He would live a humble life, always doing good deeds to those in need, and even managed to propose to Wendy. Although, he now has to explain to his little sister what a "tsundere" is….

 **Percival** – He would take Douglas's position as the Great General of Etruria, and his loyalty to his country and the prince would never fade. His efforts brought the country to prosperity, although he refuses to clarify if he's in a relationship with Elphin or not.

 **Ray** – He decided to continue his training and research into the dark arts, much to the slight unease of his allies. He does contribute to the orphanage that his brother made, but people don't want to ask where he gets the money from. Rumors say he likes to summon the entirety of Hell and rent them out as prostitutes, but no one is certain, as the buyers always turn up without a soul.

 **Roy** – He would become the King of Lycia, with his father Eliwood giving him advice up until the day he unfortunately passed on from illness. His feats, kindness, and attitude enamored the entire country, with many shouting "Roy's Our Boy" every day. And every night, he would be showered with the love (and pleasure) given to him by his six wives. Apparently a large sentient white glove has appeared to invite him to a tournament with other heroes, and he was all too eager to accept.

 **Rutger** – He would move to Etruria to be with Clarine, where the high-strung populace was a bit scared by his demeanor and lethal skill with the blade. He has opened a school to teach students about the sword, but many of them just can't seem to pass the "edgy" test. Scholars have said "edginess is born, not raised".

 **Saul** – Surprisingly enough, he kept his position on St. Elimine Church, although the church had to make sure he never did a congregation with female choir girls. Despite that, his love for Dorothy is large, albeit his love for sexual activities is even larger. How he became a priest in the first place, no one really knew…

 **Shanna** – Her support and love for Roy was strong and worthy, and her positive attitude helped the more downtrodden citizens of Lycia. The nobles did have to object when she wanted squires to grown neckbeards and walk with "swag", but that didn't keep her down. She would have one girl, and she decided to name her after the pegasus knight she admired the most – Farina. People are still arguing if Yuno was telling the truth when she said she wasn't adopted.

 **Shin** – He would live out the rest of his days supporting the Kutolah clan and faithfully serving the Silver Wolf. His skill on horseback and archery was the stuff of legends, and so was his fascination with futanaris. Rumors say one was born in Sacae, but others insist it was a drunken tall tale. Either way, he and his sexually aggressive horse were feared by bandits far and wide.

 **Sophia** \- Her love for Roy never faded across the years, and despite being quiet and soft-spoken to the rest of the Lycian officials, her words gave sage advice. She would have one girl, and she opted to name her after the late wife to Lord Eliwood – Ninian, a half-dragon like herself. She still makes predictions about doomsday events, but they range from the literal end to the world to someone getting a papercut, so people have stopped paying attention at this point. Still, her gentle spirit charmed the masses.

 **Sue** – As the most tomboy-like and not traditionally feminine of Roy's wives, the nobles were taken aback by her. But that changed when they saw her love and devotion to Roy, as well as her skill with the bow and blade. She would have one boy and one girl, opting to name them after her late parents – Lyndis and Rath. She has penned a successful series of picture books about a group of ponies – two pegasi, two unicorns, and two "earth ponies" – living in a town called Ponyville.

 **Tate** – She would lead many squads to victory in Ilia, but also live a happy life with her husband, Klein. Some say she was a nervous wreck when she got to meet the famed Lord Pent and Lady Louise, but they found her extremely charming. Under her teachings to rookie pegasus knights, they would always know the weapon triangle and never be idiotic and throw javelins at archers.

 **Treck** – Despite his lack of zeal in battle, he would lead a peaceful life and be very successful in his mercenary work. His loyalty to Zealot never faltered, and neither did his (questionable) friendship to Noah. He has been trying to find a girlfriend, but people keep telling him that showing girls his erotic stories is not the way to go about it.

 **Ward** – He would return to the Western Isles with his friend Lot, and help build the village Echidna commissioned. Despite only having one working eye, he lived a happy life with his friends and sister. Some say he has become a groundskeeper of the village, and he knows how to depose of corpses like nobody else. He still misses when occasionally wielding an axe, though.

 **Wendy** – Her reports, while mostly inaccurate, did give the public some information on what happened in the war. She would become Lilina's most trusted vassal, and her love for her queen was only rivaled by her love for Oujay. She would work hard to make sure Lycian knights always had access to chainsaws and nunchuks, but most importantly, to make sure people knew the difference between a tsundere and a yandere.

 **Wolt** – He would continue his service as Roy's loyal butler, although many people have to keep reminding him that there is only one "t" in the word. Despite the oddball profession, his mother Rebecca is very proud of his exploits. Due to an accident during one playtime with Roy's kids, he is officially banned from _ever_ picking up a weapon in his life.

 **Yodel** – He would rise to the Head of the St. Elimine Church, and used his power fairly and kindly. Many followers were charmed by the old man, if not slightly unnerved when he decided to marry his old flame Niime. Who knew that 70+ year old people could still copulate like nobody's business? He would be a great Pop-Pop to Hugh.

 **Yuno** – She would ascend with her husband and become the Queen of Ilia. Her kindness and generosity were only rivaled by the eternal love she had for her husband, Zealot. Their now-two children live happily with them, and she has started a business on the side as a wedding planner. She planned the weddings of Tate and Klein, Garrett, Yodel and Niime, Fir and Noah, as well as plenty of incestual bandits in Nabata….much to everyone's confusion.

 **Zealot** – He would ascend with his wife and become the King of Ilia. Under his firm but fair command and hard work, the country would achieve great harvest and see more spring days. Due to his chronic dry elbows, he has demanded every knight and mercenary in the country carry lotion at all times. Bees are now outlawed, and he discourages everyone to not buy anything Treck or Noah make….in plain sight, that is. His children love him dearly, as do the rest of his family and country.

 **Zeiss** – He would become the greatest knight of Bern (not named Gale, Murdock, Vaida, or Miledy), and his teachings motivated many potential wyvern riders. He serves as the bodyguard to the three Queens of Bern, and he never neglects his training. His sister was surprised when he married Garrett, but things have a funny way of coming together. He still challenges her for the Malte to this day, but he keeps losing.

* * *

Merlinus closed the book and looked up at the crowd before him. Everyone present had fought long and hard against the Black Fang many decades prior.

They were all, of course, dead, with everyone having a halo and a pair of wings.

By far, Merlinus looked to be the oldest, due to having died fairly recently.

"Wow." Hector muttered, impressed. "That sounded like a crazy adventure, Merlinus."

"Glad you stuck by them all to the end." Lyn said, smiling. "Without you….maybe Zephiel would've taken over the world."

"Please!" Merlinus shook his head. "I did have to put up with tons of stupidity, but it wouldn't be possible without the heavy hitters. How on earth did you do this job, Master Mark?"

The famed tactician of Elibe merely chuckled.

"Patience is key, Merlinus. You've picked up quite a lot from my days in the army."

The merchant nodded, and then turned to walk off.

"Wait, Merlinus. Where are you going?" Eliwood asked.

"Simple, milord. I've finally gotten my permanent vacation from the Lycia Alliance Army, and I intend to spend it in glorious solitude."

Merlinus lived a long and rough life, but he always kept at his merchant position and loyalty to the Lycian League. Despite nearly having teared his hair out during the course of war, he kept his guidance to Roy and his army until the very end.

When he fell down some stairs, but hey, not every death is filled with glory.

**FIN**


End file.
